You’re sitting there. The coffee is getting cold, and the person across from you is staring at their napkin like it contains the secrets of the universe. We’ve all been in that social purgatory. Small talk is often a slow death by a thousand "how's work?" inquiries. This is exactly where good this or that questions come in to save your soul, or at least your afternoon. They’re binary. They’re quick. Most importantly, they force a choice that actually reveals a sliver of personality without requiring a therapy session.
Honestly, it’s about the stakes. If you ask someone about their five-year plan, they’ll probably lie or panic. But ask them "pancakes or waffles?" and you’ll get a passionate, three-minute defense of syrup distribution. It’s weird how that works.
The Psychology of the Binary Choice
Why do these work? It’s basically decision fatigue in reverse. Our brains are fried from choosing between sixteen different types of almond milk at the grocery store. When you present a "this or that" scenario, you’re stripping away the noise. Researchers like Barry Schwartz, who wrote The Paradox of Choice, have spent years explaining how too many options actually make us miserable. By offering just two paths, you’re giving the other person’s brain a gift. It’s a cognitive break.
They don't have to scan their entire life history for an answer. They just have to pick a side. It’s polarizing in a fun way. You aren't arguing about politics; you're arguing about whether a hot dog is a sandwich. (It isn't, by the way, but that’s a different article).
Good This or That Questions for Early Dates
First dates are basically job interviews where you hope to get kissed at the end. They're high-pressure. If you want to break the ice without sounding like a human resources manual, you need to pivot.
Try asking "Big party or small gathering?" It tells you if they’re an introvert who will want to leave the wedding early or an extrovert who will be the last one on the dance floor. It's a vibe check. Or go with "Early bird or night owl?" If you’re a 5:00 AM runner and they don't wake up until noon, you should probably know that before you start planning a life together.
Specifics matter. "Camping or Glamping?" is a classic for a reason. It determines if your future vacations involve a Temper-Pedic mattress or digging a hole in the woods.
Some people think these are shallow. They’re wrong. You’re building a map of someone’s preferences, one "Netflix or Cinema" at a time. It’s the groundwork.
The Workplace and Team Building That Doesn't Suck
We’ve all sat through those corporate retreats. The ones where a guy in a polo shirt makes you fall backward and hope your coworkers catch you. It's awful. Instead of forced physical trust, smart managers are using good this or that questions to actually get people talking during Slack huddles or Zoom icebreakers.
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"Email or Instant Message?"
"Work from home or Office?"
"Coffee or Tea?"
These aren't just fillers. They actually highlight workflow preferences. If half your team prefers deep work (this) and the other half prefers constant collaboration (that), you’ve just identified why your projects are stalling. It’s data disguised as a game. Honestly, it’s much more effective than "Two Truths and a Lie," which just rewards the best liars in the accounting department.
Getting Creative with the Absurd
Once the basics are out of the way, you have to get weird. The best conversations happen in the fringes of logic.
"Invisibility or Flight?"
"Talk to animals or Speak every human language?"
"Teleportation or Time Travel?"
These are the heavy hitters. If someone chooses time travel, they’re likely nostalgic or deeply curious about history. If they choose teleportation, they probably just hate their commute. It’s a window into their frustrations. You learn more from a debate about "Ninjas vs. Pirates" than you do from asking someone where they went to college.
The Social Media Factor
If you look at Instagram Stories or TikTok polls, these questions are the engine of engagement. The "This or That" template is a staple for influencers because it requires almost zero effort from the follower. Tap a side. See the results. It’s a dopamine hit.
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But there’s a dark side to the simplicity. Sometimes, we oversimplify. Life isn't always A or B. However, for the sake of a viral poll or a dinner party game, the nuance doesn't matter. The conflict does. People love to be right. When you post "Creamy or Crunchy peanut butter?", you aren't asking for a nutritional breakdown. You're starting a war. And wars get comments.
Why Some Questions Fail
Not every pairing works. "Water or Air?" is stupid. There's no choice there. You need friction.
A "good" question needs two options that are equally weighted but cater to different temperaments. "Beach or Mountains?" works because both are great, but they offer entirely different sensory experiences. "Movie at home or Movie in the theater?" works because it's a debate about comfort versus immersion.
If one option is clearly "better" to 99% of people, the conversation dies. You need that 50/50 split to keep the energy up.
Beyond the Surface
Think about the "Passenger or Driver" question. On the surface, it’s about who holds the steering wheel. Subconsciously, it’s about control. Does this person trust others to lead, or do they need to be in charge of the GPS? You can learn a lot about a potential business partner or a roommate by how they answer that.
Then there’s the "Book or Audiobook" debate. It’s a classic gatekeeping trap. Some people think audiobooks "don't count." Others realize that 12 hours of narration is the only way they’ll ever finish a biography. The ensuing argument tells you if the person you’re talking to is a traditionalist or a pragmatist.
High-Stakes Scenarios
Sometimes, good this or that questions can be used for actual decision-making when a group is stuck. If a group can't decide on dinner, don't ask "What do you want?" Ask "Tacos or Sushi?" Then, whatever they pick, follow up with another binary choice. It’s called the "Double Bind" technique in sales, but in real life, it’s just a way to stop your friends from starving while they stare at Yelp.
Actionable Strategy for Better Conversations
If you want to master this, stop overthinking. Keep a few mental categories ready. Use them as transitions when the conversation hits a lull.
- Food: Sweet vs. Savory, Spicy vs. Mild, Cook at home vs. Takeout.
- Travel: City break vs. Nature retreat, Solo vs. Group, Planned vs. Spontaneous.
- Tech: Mac vs. PC, Android vs. iPhone, Physical books vs. Kindle.
- Personality: Extrovert vs. Introvert, Messy vs. Clean, Planner vs. Improviser.
The trick is the follow-up. Don't just accept the answer. Ask "Why?" That's where the real story starts. If someone says "crunchy peanut butter," and you ask why, they might tell you about a childhood memory of their grandma making toast. Suddenly, you aren't playing a game; you're actually connecting.
Next Steps for Your Social Toolkit
- Observe the Energy: Notice when a conversation starts to flag. That is your cue.
- Pick a Category: Choose one based on the current setting (Food at dinner, Tech at work).
- The Pivot: Use a phrase like, "Okay, random question: [This] or [That]?"
- Listen to the 'Why': The choice is the hook; the explanation is the fish.
- Be Ready to Answer: Never ask a question you aren't prepared to defend yourself.
Using binary choices isn't about being lazy. It’s about being a better curator of the space between you and someone else. It's about making it easy for people to show you who they are. Stop asking "How are you?" and start asking "Pulp or No Pulp?" You might be surprised at how much louder the room gets.