You’re standing at the top of the stairs holding the baby. Suddenly, a flash of an image hits you—dropping them. Or maybe you're cutting vegetables for dinner and your brain whispers, What if I stabbed someone? It’s visceral. It’s nauseating. Your heart hammers against your ribs because you’re a "good mom," right? And good moms don't think like this.
Except they do.
The reality is that good moms have scary thoughts all the time, but we’ve done a collective, cultural job of making women feel like monsters for having a standard biological glitch. These aren't desires. They aren't "repressed urges" surfacing from some dark corner of your soul. They are intrusive thoughts. And if you’re freaking out about having them, that’s actually the strongest evidence that you’re a safe, loving parent.
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The Biology of the "Scary Thought"
Postpartum intrusive thoughts are basically the brain’s "alarm system" overshooting the mark. Karen Kleiman, the founder of the Postpartum Stress Center and author of Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts, has spent decades researching this. She points out that for many women, these thoughts are actually linked to hyper-vigilance.
Your brain is so focused on keeping this tiny, fragile human alive that it starts simulating every possible way they could be harmed. It’s a "what-if" machine gone rogue. You aren't thinking these things because you want them to happen; you’re thinking them because you are terrified they might happen.
The clinical term for this is ego-dystonic.
That’s just a fancy way of saying the thoughts are the opposite of your actual values. If you were a dangerous person, these thoughts wouldn't bother you. You’d be indifferent. The fact that you feel like throwing up or that you can’t stop shaking after a "scary thought" is proof that your moral compass is pointing exactly where it should be.
Why We Keep Quiet (and Why That’s Dangerous)
Shame is a hell of a silencer.
Most moms are terrified that if they tell a pediatrician or a partner about the "baby dropping" thought, someone will call Child Protective Services. This fear isn't totally unfounded, unfortunately. There is a massive lack of education among some frontline healthcare workers regarding the difference between Postpartum OCD (PPOCD) and Postpartum Psychosis.
Let’s be extremely clear here: they are not the same.
Postpartum psychosis is a rare medical emergency (affecting about 1 to 2 in 1,000 births) where the mother loses touch with reality. In those cases, the thoughts aren't scary to the mom—they often feel like instructions or logical ideas. But with intrusive thoughts, the mother is very much in reality. She is horrified.
When we don't talk about the fact that good moms have scary thoughts, we leave women isolated in a mental prison. They start "avoiding." They stop giving the baby baths because they’re scared of drowning. They won’t hold the baby near a window. This avoidance actually fuels the anxiety, making the brain think the "threat" is even more real than it is.
The Statistics Nobody Mentions
If you’re sitting there thinking you’re the only one, you’re statistically wrong.
A landmark study by Dr. Jonathan Abramowitz and colleagues found that about 91% of new mothers and 88% of new fathers experience intrusive thoughts about their infants. Read those numbers again. That is almost everyone.
The thoughts vary:
- Accidental harm (falling, choking, SIDS).
- Intentional harm (hitting, shaking, burning).
- Sexual intrusive thoughts (which are often the most shameful and least discussed).
- Germs or contamination.
It’s just noise. Truly. It is the brain's equivalent of a pop-up ad for a website you never wanted to visit.
When Does It Become Postpartum OCD?
While most parents get these thoughts, for some, they get "stuck."
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This is where we move into the territory of Postpartum OCD. If you are spending hours a day neutralizing the thoughts—maybe you’re praying excessively, checking the baby's breathing every five minutes, or asking your partner for reassurance over and over—you might be dealing with more than just "standard" intrusive thoughts.
The loop looks like this: Trigger -> Scary Thought -> Intense Anxiety -> Compulsion (Checking/Avoiding) -> Temporary Relief -> Repeat.
Breaking that loop usually requires professional help, specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. This is the gold standard. It involves gradually leaning into the discomfort without doing the "safety behavior" (the compulsion). It sounds terrifying, but it works because it teaches your brain that the "scary thought" isn't a signal of actual danger. It’s just a thought.
How to Handle the "Spike" in Real Time
So, a thought hits. You’re holding a knife to cut an apple, and your brain shows you something horrific. What do you do?
First, don't try to "push it away." If I tell you right now, Do not think about a pink elephant, what are you thinking about? Exactly. The more you fight the thought, the more importance your brain gives it.
Instead, try to label it. "Oh, there’s that intrusive thought again. My brain is being a glitchy jerk today."
Acknowledge its presence and then go back to the apple. Don't put the knife down (unless you truly feel unsafe, which is different from being scared). By staying in the moment and continuing your task, you are sending a signal to your nervous system: "I heard you, but there is no actual threat here."
The Role of Sleep Deprivation
We cannot talk about maternal mental health without talking about the absolute torture that is sleep deprivation.
The prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that handles logic and "filtering"—is the first thing to go offline when you’re exhausted. When you haven't slept more than three hours in a stretch for weeks, your "filter" is broken. Your brain is going to produce weird, dark, and nonsensical stuff.
In many cases, the "scary thoughts" settle down significantly once a mother gets a consolidated four-to-six-hour block of sleep. It’s not just "self-care"; it’s neurological maintenance. If you are struggling with these thoughts, sleep isn't a luxury—it’s your primary medicine.
Real Stories, Real Moms
I remember a client who was terrified to drive with her toddler because she kept imagining the car veering off a bridge. She wasn't suicidal. She didn't want to die. She loved her daughter more than anything. But the image was so vivid she could smell the river water.
She started taking the bus, which added two hours to her day. She was miserable.
When we broke it down, we realized the thought actually started when she saw a news report about a bridge collapse. Her "good mom" brain took that tiny piece of data and turned it into a 4D horror movie to "protect" her. Once she realized the thought was a byproduct of her love and desire to protect, the "power" of the image faded. She’s driving again now. The thoughts still pop up sometimes, but she just says, "Nice try, brain," and keeps her hands on the wheel.
Actionable Steps for Today
If you are currently in the thick of it, feeling like you’re losing your mind, here is the immediate protocol.
1. Say it out loud to a safe person.
Find a friend who won't judge, or a therapist who specializes in maternal mental health. Use the phrase: "I'm having intrusive thoughts." Most pros will know exactly what that means. If they look at you like you're a criminal, find a different pro. They aren't trained for this.
2. Stop the "Reassurance Seeking."
Google is not your friend here. Searching "can a mom snap and hurt her baby?" will only bring up the 0.001% of horror stories that don't apply to you. It will feed your anxiety. Close the tabs.
3. Check your basics.
Have you eaten protein in the last four hours? Have you had water? Can someone watch the baby so you can sleep for four hours? Physical depletion magnifies mental distress by 10x.
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4. Externalize the "Monster."
Give the voice a name. Call it "Glitchy Gary" or "Anxious Annie." When a scary thought happens, attribute it to the name. "Gary is really loud today, isn't he?" This creates "cognitive distance"—a space between you and the thought.
5. Visit Postpartum Support International (PSI).
They have local coordinators in almost every area who can point you toward providers who actually understand that good moms have scary thoughts. They also have free online support groups where you will hear dozens of other women saying, "Me too."
The bottom line is this: You are not your thoughts. You are the person observing the thoughts. The fact that you find them scary is the ultimate proof that you are exactly the mom your baby needs. You’re protective, you’re present, and you’re sane. Your brain is just trying a little too hard to keep everyone safe.
Give yourself some grace. Breathe. You’re doing a good job.