Small talk is a slow death. You're standing in a kitchen at a house party, or maybe sitting in a sterile Zoom breakout room, and someone drops the inevitable: "So, what do you do for fun?" It’s the standard get to know you icebreaker. It’s also completely useless. Most people treat these interactions like a job interview or a background check. We ask the same five questions—where are you from, what’s your job, how do you like the weather—and then we wonder why we feel lonelier than ever. Honestly, it’s because we’re not actually connecting; we’re just exchanging data points.
Connection isn't a spreadsheet.
To truly understand someone, you have to move past the resume. You need to find the "glimmer." According to researchers like Arthur Aron, who famously developed the "36 Questions to Fall in Love," intimacy is built on sustained, escalating, reciprocal self-disclosure. It sounds technical, but it basically means you show a little bit of your "real" self, and they show a little of theirs. If you stay on the surface, you’re just two ships passing in the night, blinking your lights but never docking.
The Psychology of Why We Suck at Connecting
We’re wired for safety. Evolutionarily speaking, walking up to a stranger and asking about their deepest fears was a great way to get kicked out of the tribe. So, we stick to the script. We use get to know you prompts that are safe, boring, and forgettable. But here’s the thing: people are actually dying to talk about something real.
Think about the last time you had a "good" conversation. It probably wasn't about the commute. It was probably about a shared frustration, a weird hobby, or a specific memory that made you both laugh until your ribs hurt. Psychologists call this "the fast-friends procedure." It turns out that skipping the small talk can actually make people like you more, not less. We worry about being intrusive, but most people are just waiting for permission to be interesting.
The Mirroring Trap
When we meet someone new, we tend to mirror their energy. If they are stiff and formal, we become stiff and formal. If they give one-word answers, we stop trying. This is a death spiral for any get to know you effort. Someone has to be the one to break the pattern. You have to be the one to offer a "hook."
A hook is a piece of information that isn't required but adds flavor.
- "I'm a lawyer" is a dead end.
- "I'm a lawyer, but I spend most of my weekends trying to bake the perfect sourdough because I'm obsessed with fermentation" is a doorway.
See the difference? One is a label. The other is a personality.
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Better Questions for Humans (Not Robots)
If you want to actually get to know you and your peers, you have to throw out the standard list. Forget "What's your favorite color?" Unless you are five years old, that information provides zero insight into a person's soul. Instead, try moving toward "high-agency" questions. These are questions that ask people to explain their choices, not just their circumstances.
- "What is a hill you are willing to die on?" This is great because it’s low-stakes but high-personality. Whether it’s that pineapple belongs on pizza or that a specific movie is overrated, it reveals how they argue and what they value.
- "What’s the most 'you' thing about your house?" This is a specific window into their private world. It’s better than "where do you live."
- "What’s a hobby you started but were absolutely terrible at?" This tests humility and a sense of humor. Vulnerability is the fastest way to build trust.
Social psychologist Dan Ariely once conducted an informal experiment where he told people at a dinner party they weren't allowed to engage in small talk. They could only ask "big" questions. The result? People were significantly happier with their evening. They felt energized rather than drained.
The Three Layers of a Person
To navigate the get to know you process like an expert, you should visualize people in layers. Most of us live in Layer 1.
Layer 1: The Persona. This is the LinkedIn version of a human. It’s the job title, the hometown, the marital status. It’s the mask we wear to survive the grocery store line.
Layer 2: The Preferences. This is where things get interesting. What do they read? What’s their "comfort" show? Do they prefer mountains or beaches? This is where you find common ground. If you both love The Bear or both hate cilantro, you’ve found a bridge.
Layer 3: The Core. This is the "why." Why did they choose that career? What are they afraid of failing at? What does "success" actually look like to them? You can’t jump here in the first five minutes—that’s "trauma dumping"—but you should be aiming for the borders of this layer by the end of a good lunch.
When to Pivot
You have to read the room. If you ask a "Layer 2" question and they give you a "Layer 1" answer, they might not be ready to open up. Or, honestly, they might just be tired. That’s okay. Connection isn't something you can force with a crowbar. It’s more like a dance. You take a step forward; they take a step forward. If they stay still, you wait.
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The "F-Form" Strategy for Groups
If you’re leading a team or a classroom and need a get to know you activity that doesn't make everyone roll their eyes, use the F-Form. This stands for Facts, Feelings, and Future.
Most icebreakers stay on Facts. "Tell us your name and your department." Boring. Instead, try a prompt that touches all three. "Tell us your name, one thing you're feeling about this week, and one thing you're looking forward to in the future."
It’s subtle, but it adds a human element. It allows someone to say, "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed because my kid is sick," which immediately builds more empathy than "I'm in Accounting."
The Science of Active Listening
You can have the best get to know you questions in the world, but if you're just waiting for your turn to speak, you’re failing. High-quality connection requires what's known as "Active-Constructive Responding."
When someone shares something positive, don't just say "Cool." Celebrate it. Ask a follow-up. Research from Shelly Gable shows that how we respond to good news is actually a better predictor of relationship health than how we respond to bad news. If someone says they finally finished a 5k, don't talk about your marathon. Ask them what the hardest mile was.
Why "Tell Me Your Story" Is a Bad Prompt
It’s too big. It’s overwhelming. Most people don't know where their story starts. They’ll just give you a chronological list of schools they attended. If you want to get to know you better, ask for a "snapshot."
"Tell me about a moment this month where you felt really proud."
"Tell me about a time you felt like a fish out of water."
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Snapshots are manageable. They are vivid. They are stories, not reports.
Breaking the Digital Barrier
In 2026, so much of our "getting to know" happens through a screen. Slack, Discord, Zoom—they are all designed for efficiency, not intimacy. To fix this, you have to be intentional about "digital friction."
In a physical office, you'd see a picture on someone's desk or a sticker on their water bottle. Those are "passive" get to know you cues. In a remote world, you have to create them. Set aside the first five minutes of a meeting for "The Random Share." One person shows one item from their room and explains why they have it. It sounds cheesy, but it replaces the "water cooler" talk we lost.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Conversation
Stop overthinking it. Connection is a skill, and like any skill, you get better with reps. If you want to actually get to know you—meaning the person sitting across from you—start with these shifts:
- Ditch the "What." Focus on the "How" and "Why." Instead of "What do you do?", try "How did you end up in that line of work?" The "How" usually involves a story.
- Share first. If you want someone to be vulnerable, you have to lead the way. Mention a small mistake you made or a weird niche interest you have. It signals that the "mask" can come off.
- The 80/20 Rule. Listen 80% of the time. Speak 20%. When you do speak, it should mostly be to ask a question based on what they just said.
- Remember the "Small" Things. If they mention their dog's name is Barnaby, write it down later. Using that name in your next conversation is a "pro-level" move that shows you actually care.
- Stop the Interview. If it feels like a ping-pong match of Q&A, you’re doing it wrong. Let the conversation breathe. Silence is okay. It gives people space to think.
True connection happens in the gaps between the questions. It’s found in the way someone’s eyes light up when they talk about their vintage record collection or the way their voice softens when they mention their grandmother. You don't get there by following a script. You get there by being curious. Next time you're in a get to know you situation, try to find the one thing about that person that isn't on their resume. That's where the real human is hiding.
Find the sourdough. Find the "hill to die on." Find the thing that makes them move their hands when they talk. Everything else is just noise.