It starts as a whisper in a crowded room or a frantic post on a subreddit at 3:00 AM. You’ve seen the phrase before. Maybe you’ve even felt it. That sinking realization that a place—a home, a workplace, a digital community—has become a site of repeated trauma. When someone says, everytime i come here i am abused, they aren't usually talking about a one-off argument or a bad day. They are describing a cycle.
It’s heavy.
We live in an era where "toxic" is a buzzword thrown around as often as "organic" or "synergy," but for those living in the cycle of repetitive mistreatment, the terminology matters less than the weight on their chest. Psychologists often point to something called "re-traumatization." It’s a nasty loop. You go back because you have to—for a paycheck, for family, or because you’re seeking the validation you were denied last time—and the door hits you in the face again. Every. Single. Time.
The Psychology of Returning to the Source of Pain
Why do we do it? Seriously. Why go back?
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Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, a clinical psychologist and author, has written extensively about the "compulsion to repeat." It’s this weird, often unconscious drive to return to the scene of the crime to try and "fix" the outcome. If I can just make them understand me this time, the abuse stops. But it rarely works that way. Instead, the person ends up stuck in a loop of thinking, "everytime i come here i am abused," yet they find themselves standing on the doorstep once more.
It’s often tied to trauma bonding. This isn't just a "bad relationship" thing. It happens in corporate cultures where "high pressure" is a euphemism for bullying. It happens in toxic online forums where the hit of dopamine from a single positive interaction keeps you tethered to a thousand negative ones. The bond is forged in the inconsistency.
Think about the intermittent reinforcement schedule in behavioral psychology. B.F. Skinner proved that rats would press a lever more obsessively if the reward was unpredictable than if it was guaranteed. Human beings are basically just more complex rats with better outfits. If the "abuse" is occasionally punctuated by a "good day," we stay. We hope. We get hurt.
When the Workplace Becomes the "Here"
Let’s talk about the office. Or the Slack channel. Or the "Zoom culture" that never sleeps.
The Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) conducts massive surveys on this, and the numbers are actually pretty terrifying. Their 2021 survey found that 30% of Americans have suffered abusive conduct at work. That is roughly 48.6 million people. When these employees say everytime i come here i am abused, they are usually referring to "workplace gaslighting" or "mobbing."
Mobbing is particularly cruel. It’s a form of collective bullying where a group gags up on one individual through rumor-mongering, isolation, and professional sabotage. It’s not just one mean boss. It’s a culture.
I remember a specific case—illustrative of thousands—where an analyst at a top-tier firm felt physically ill every time her train pulled into the station. She wasn't being hit. She was being erased. Her emails went unanswered. She was left off meeting invites. When she did speak, she was mocked. For her, the "here" was the 42nd floor. And everytime she went there, she was abused by a thousand paper cuts to her dignity.
The Digital Front Line: Online Communities and Harassment
The internet was supposed to be a playground. Now, for many, it’s a minefield.
Social media platforms are designed to keep us engaged, and unfortunately, anger is the most engaging emotion. When a user feels like "everytime i come here i am abused" on a platform like X (formerly Twitter) or in a specific gaming lobby, it’s often due to algorithmic amplification. The system notices that conflict generates clicks.
Cyberbullying isn't just for middle schoolers anymore. It’s adult-on-adult, and it’s relentless.
- Doxing: Sharing private info to invite real-world harm.
- Dogpiling: When hundreds of strangers attack one person for a perceived slight.
- Stalking: Following a user across different platforms to ensure they never feel safe.
There is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from digital abuse. You can close the laptop, sure. But the "here" follows you in your pocket. It’s on your phone. It’s in your notifications. The psychological barrier between "online" and "real life" has basically dissolved.
The Physical Toll of Constant Mistreatment
Your body keeps the score. Bessel van der Kolk literally wrote the book on it.
When you are in an environment where you feel abused every time you show up, your nervous system stays in a state of hyper-arousal. Your cortisol levels spike. Your heart rate variability drops. Over time, this isn't just "stress." It’s a systemic breakdown.
Long-term exposure to this kind of environment leads to:
- Chronic Fatigue: Because your brain is constantly scanning for threats, it never truly rests.
- Digestive Issues: The gut-brain axis is real. Stress shuts down non-essential systems like digestion.
- Weakened Immune System: You get sick more often. You stay sick longer.
- Cognitive Fog: It becomes harder to make simple decisions because your prefrontal cortex is being hijacked by your amygdala.
If you’re thinking "everytime i come here i am abused," your body is likely already screaming it at you through headaches or a tight chest. Ignoring the mental aspect is one thing, but ignoring the physical decay is much harder.
Identifying the "Why" Behind the Abuse
People don't just abuse for no reason. That’s not to excuse it—not even a little bit—but understanding the mechanics can help you detach.
Often, the abuser is operating from a place of deep insecurity or a need for control. In a family setting, this might be "projective identification." They feel bad about themselves, so they project that "badness" onto you. By making you the victim, they get to feel like the powerful one.
In organizations, it’s often structural. If a company rewards results at any cost, it incentivizes sociopathic behavior. The "jerk" gets promoted because they hit their targets, while the people they crushed along the way are seen as collateral damage.
Breaking the Cycle: What Can You Actually Do?
Stopping the "everytime i come here i am abused" cycle is incredibly difficult because it usually requires leaving. And leaving is expensive. Leaving is scary. Leaving feels like losing.
But staying is a slow death.
First, you have to document everything. If it’s at work, keep a "FU folder." Save emails. Note dates and times. If it’s personal, keep a journal. Abusers rely on your confusion. They want you to doubt your own memory. Documentation is your tether to reality.
Second, find your "Out-Group." These are the people who are not part of the toxic environment. You need a baseline for what "normal" looks like. If everyone you talk to is part of the "here" where you are abused, you’ll start to think the abuse is normal. It’s not.
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Third, set a Hard Boundary. A boundary isn't a suggestion; it’s a line with a consequence. "If you raise your voice at me, I am leaving the room." Then—and this is the hard part—you actually have to leave the room.
The Role of Systemic Change
We can't just tell victims to "be more resilient." That’s victim-blaming with a fancy hat on.
Society needs better protections. This means stronger labor laws that define and punish psychological harassment. It means social media companies being held accountable for the algorithms that promote hate. It means a cultural shift where we stop glorifying "hustle culture" that ignores human dignity.
We need to stop asking "Why didn't they just leave?" and start asking "Why was the environment allowed to become so toxic in the first place?"
Practical Next Steps for Reclaiming Your Space
If you are currently in a situation where you feel that everytime i come here i am abused, the path out isn't a straight line. It's more of a jagged crawl.
- Conduct a "Safety Audit": Identify the specific triggers and people. Is it the whole place, or just one person? Is it a certain time of day?
- Build an "Exit Fund": If the "here" is a job or a home, financial independence is your greatest weapon. Even saving fifty dollars a week can start to build a "freedom" mindset.
- Seek Trauma-Informed Support: Not all therapists are created equal. Look for someone who understands C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
- Practice Selective Disengagement: If you can't leave yet, learn the "Grey Rock" method. Become as boring as a grey rock. Give short, non-committal answers. Don't share personal news. Give the abuser nothing to latch onto.
- Validate Your Own Experience: Stop waiting for them to apologize. They probably won't. You have to be the one to say, "This is happening, and it is wrong."
The goal is to eventually reach a point where "here" is somewhere you only go if you want to, and where your peace is no longer up for debate. It takes time. It takes support. But the cycle can be broken.
Stay focused on the exit, even if you can't see the door yet. The first step is admitting that the mistreatment isn't a fluke—it's a pattern. And once you see the pattern, you can start to draw your way out of it.
Actionable Insights for Immediate Relief
- Identify the Pattern: Write down the last three times you felt abused in this specific environment. Look for common threads—specific words, people, or power dynamics.
- Limit Exposure: If possible, reduce the time spent "here" by 10% this week. Small increments matter.
- Secure Your Records: Ensure all evidence of abuse (emails, texts, recordings where legal) is stored in a location the abuser cannot access, such as a private cloud drive.
- Consult a Professional: Reach out to a legal advisor or a specialized counselor to understand your rights and options for a safe exit strategy.