You’ve seen the TikToks. A girl leans into the camera, brushes a stray hair behind her ear, and says something like, "I just don't get along with girls, they're too much drama. I'm basically one of the boys." She might be holding a controller she doesn't know how to use or bragging about how she only eats pizza while other girls eat salads. This is the pick me girl in her natural habitat. Or, more accurately, it’s the internet's favorite caricature of a woman who tries a little too hard to be "not like other girls" to win male approval.
It's a weirdly specific phenomenon.
Honestly, the term has morphed into something way bigger than a simple meme. It’s a cultural lightning rod. At its core, the pick me girl is a woman who supposedly devalues her own gender to stand out to men. But like anything that goes viral, the definition has started to bleed into everything else, turning a specific critique of internalized misogyny into a weapon used to bully girls for just... having hobbies.
Where did the pick me girl actually come from?
The term didn't just appear out of thin air on TikTok in 2021. If you’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy, you probably remember Meredith Grey’s iconic, somewhat desperate "Pick me, choose me, love me" speech to Derek Shepherd. That was 2005. Back then, it was just a raw expression of wanting to be wanted. But the internet takes everything and gives it a jagged edge. By the time it hit Black Twitter roughly a decade ago, it had evolved into a way to describe women who threw other women under the bus for a crumb of male attention.
It’s about the performative nature of it all.
Social psychologists often point to this as a survival mechanism. It’s called "internalized misogyny." When you grow up in a world that tells you "feminine" things are weak, shallow, or annoying, you try to distance yourself from them. You want to be the exception. You want to be the cool girl.
Amy Dunne’s famous "Cool Girl" monologue from Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl is basically the blueprint for the pick me girl trope. She’s the girl who likes beer, sports, and burgers, but somehow stays a size two and never complains. It’s a persona built for the male gaze. The problem is that once the internet got a hold of the label, we started seeing it everywhere, even where it didn't exist.
The psychology of being "not like other girls"
Why do people do this? Most of the time, it’s not a conscious plan to be a villain. It’s usually about insecurity.
Psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo has spoken about how this behavior often stems from a desire for "narcissistic supply." If a woman feels she can't compete with other women on their terms, she creates a new game where she’s the only player. By saying "other girls are dramatic," she’s positioning herself as the "logical" or "chill" alternative. It’s a way to feel superior.
But there’s a flip side.
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Sometimes, a girl just likes video games. Or she genuinely prefers hanging out with guys because that’s who she grew up with. When we label every woman who doesn't fit a hyper-feminine mold as a pick me girl, we’re just creating a new way to police women’s behavior. It becomes a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If you’re too feminine, you’re "basic." If you’re not feminine enough, you’re a "pick me."
Signs that people usually point to:
- Constantly putting down "feminine" interests like makeup, fashion, or pop music.
- Claiming to be "one of the boys" specifically to highlight how different they are from other women.
- Bragging about being "low maintenance" or "no drama."
- Siding with men in almost any conflict, even when the behavior is objectively bad.
- Making a point to mention they don't have female friends.
It’s the "making a point" part that matters. If you don't like makeup, cool. No one cares. But if you have to tell everyone you don't like makeup because you think it makes you better than the girl who does? That’s when the pick me girl label starts sticking.
The TikTok effect and the "Pick Me" POV trend
TikTok changed the game. It turned a personality trait into a costume. The "Pick Me Girl POV" videos are a genre of their own. Creators like @uxmre and @rebeccaratliff (among many others) became famous for parodied skits where they’d wear oversized hoodies, use high-pitched voices, and say things like, "Oh my god, is this a football? I'm so random!"
These videos are funny because they're relatable. We’ve all met that person. But they also created a weird feedback loop.
Because the meme became so popular, the "anti-pick me" sentiment became just as performative. Now, you have girls who are terrified of being called a pick me girl, so they overcompensate by being performatively "girly." It’s a mess. Honestly, it’s exhausting to watch the internet eat itself like this.
We’ve moved from "don't put other women down" to "don't do anything that might be perceived as seeking male attention." The latter is an impossible standard. Humans, by nature, want to be liked. We all perform to some degree.
Is the term actually sexist?
This is where things get spicy. A lot of critics argue that the pick me girl label is just a new way to hate women.
In a 2022 piece for The Crimson, writers pointed out that the term often targets young girls who are just trying to find their identity. When you're 14, you're trying on different personalities like clothes. If you go through a phase where you think being "one of the boys" is cool, is that a moral failing? Probably not. It’s just puberty and a lack of self-awareness.
The irony is that by calling women "pick mes," people are often doing exactly what they accuse the "pick me" of doing: putting a woman down to feel more enlightened or superior. It’s a circle of judgment that doesn't really have an exit.
The "Pick Me Boy" has entered the chat
We can't talk about one without the other. The "pick me boy" is the male equivalent, and arguably, he’s much more annoying.
The pick me boy uses self-deprecation as a weapon. He’ll say things like, "I'm just a nice guy, I guess girls only like jerks," or "I know I'm ugly, you don't have to lie to me." He’s fishing for compliments and trying to guilt-trip women into giving him attention. While the pick me girl tries to be the "cool friend," the pick me boy plays the "victim."
Both behaviors come from the same place: a desperate need for external validation because the internal tank is empty.
How to actually handle this in real life
If you find yourself constantly worrying if you're a pick me girl, you probably aren't one. The actual ones usually don't have that much self-reflection going on.
But if you’re noticing these patterns in yourself—like feeling a rush of pride when a guy says you’re "not like other girls"—it’s worth looking at why. Why is "other girls" a bad thing to be? There are billions of women on earth. They aren't a monolith. They’re doctors, astronauts, gamers, hikers, and everything in between.
When you realize that being "like other girls" actually means being like some of the coolest, most diverse people on the planet, the need to distance yourself from them usually disappears.
Actionable ways to move past the "Pick Me" mindset:
- Audit your "not like other girls" thoughts. Next time you feel superior for not liking something popular (like Starbucks or Taylor Swift), ask yourself if you actually dislike the thing or if you just like the feeling of being "different."
- Diversify your feed. Follow women who have "masculine" hobbies but also support other women. Seeing women excel in male-dominated spaces without putting other women down is a great way to reframe your brain.
- Call out the "not like other girls" compliment. If a guy tells you you’re "not like other girls," try saying, "That’s weird, I know tons of great girls." It kills the vibe in a funny way and sets a boundary.
- Focus on genuine interests. Do things because you like them, not because of how they make you look to the opposite sex. If you love working on cars, do it. If you love knitting, do it. The motive matters more than the hobby.
- Stop the cycle. If you see a girl being a bit of a "pick me," instead of making a TikTok mocking her, just move on. Most people grow out of it when they realize it doesn't actually bring them the happiness or connection they’re looking for.
At the end of the day, the pick me girl is just a symptom of a culture that still struggles to value women as individuals rather than tropes. The best way to "win" isn't to be the "cool girl" or the "anti-pick me"—it's to just be a person who doesn't feel the need to use other people as a footstool.