If you’ve spent any time scrolling through "BookTok" or looking for advice on modern intimacy, you've likely seen the vibrant cover of the When I Think of You book popping up everywhere. It’s not just another dry self-help manual. Honestly, it feels more like a late-night conversation with that one friend who actually knows what they’re talking about when it comes to sex, dating, and the messy reality of being human. Myisha Battle, a certified sex coach and educator, didn’t just write a guide; she wrote a manifesto for anyone who feels like the standard dating advice is, well, kind of garbage.
It’s personal.
Battle brings her years of professional experience to the table, but she does it with a level of empathy that’s rare in this space. She understands that our desires aren't formed in a vacuum. They’re shaped by where we grew up, what our parents told us (or didn't tell us), and the weird, often toxic scripts we see in movies. The When I Think of You book dives deep into how we can untangle all that internal noise to find what we actually want.
The Core Philosophy of When I Think of You
Most dating books tell you how to "get" a partner. They focus on the chase. They focus on the "rules." Battle flips the script. She’s way more interested in how you feel about yourself when you’re not around someone else. It's about self-exploration.
The book is structured around the idea that our "erotic self" is something that needs nurturing and attention, regardless of our relationship status. It’s a bit of a wake-up call. We often wait for a partner to "unlock" our sexuality or our sense of romance, but Battle argues that the key is already in our pockets. We just forgot we put it there.
There’s this heavy emphasis on "dating yourself" that might sound cliché at first, but Battle backs it up with clinical insights. She talks about the psychological concept of the "internal working model"—the blueprint we carry around that dictates how we expect people to treat us. If your blueprint is messy, your relationships will be too.
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Why This Book Hits Differently for the Modern Reader
We live in a world of endless swiping. It’s exhausting. The When I Think of You book acknowledges this burnout. It doesn't tell you to swipe more or change your bio to something "witty." Instead, it asks you to stop and breathe.
One of the most refreshing things about Battle’s approach is her inclusivity. She doesn't write for a "default" audience. Whether you’re queer, straight, polyamorous, or just totally confused, there’s a seat for you at the table. She specifically addresses how marginalized identities navigate the world of intimacy, which is something a lot of mainstream books just... ignore. It’s a glaring omission in the genre that she finally fixes.
Think about the way we talk about "chemistry." We treat it like magic. Battle breaks it down into something more manageable. She looks at the difference between "anxious chemistry"—that frantic, heart-pounding feeling that usually means your nervous system is triggered—and actual, sustainable connection. It's eye-opening. You realize that some of your "best" sparks were actually just your body screaming "Red flag!"
Navigating the "Digital Erotica" Space
A huge chunk of the book deals with our digital lives. We are the first generations to have our entire romantic histories stored on a cloud. It’s weird, right? Battle explores how texting, sexting, and social media have fundamentally altered the way we "think" of people.
She uses real-life anecdotes (anonymized, of course) from her coaching practice to illustrate how digital communication can create a "false intimacy." You think you know someone because you’ve texted for three weeks, but you’ve actually just built a fantasy version of them in your head. When you finally meet, the "When I Think of You" version of them doesn't match the human sitting across from you. It’s a recipe for disappointment, and Battle provides actual strategies to bridge that gap.
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The Practical Side: It’s Not All Theory
While there is a lot of psychological depth, this isn't a textbook. It’s practical. There are exercises. Not the cringey kind, but the kind that actually make you think.
- Mapping your erotic history: Looking back at your first crushes and seeing the patterns.
- The "No" List: Learning that saying no is actually more intimate than saying yes when you don't mean it.
- The Body Scan: Reconnecting with physical sensations that we usually numb out during a busy workday.
Battle is a big proponent of "sensate focus"—a technique often used in sex therapy to help people move out of their heads and into their bodies. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking about your grocery list during a date or an intimate moment, this part of the When I Think of You book is going to be your best friend.
Addressing the Misconceptions
People hear "sex coach" and they think the book is just a "how-to" for the bedroom. It’s not. In fact, large sections of the book have nothing to do with the physical act of sex. It’s about communication. It’s about boundaries. It’s about the vulnerability of being seen.
There’s also this idea that these kinds of books are only for people who are "struggling." Honestly? That’s nonsense. Even if you’re in a happy, long-term relationship, the insights here are vital. Relationships can get stagnant. We start to think of our partners as fixed objects rather than evolving humans. Battle shows you how to keep that curiosity alive.
The Impact of Myisha Battle’s Voice
Myisha Battle has been a prominent voice in the "sex-positive" movement for years. Her podcast, Down for Whatever, paved the way for this book. She has a way of stripping away the shame that usually surrounds these topics. Shame is a heavy blanket; it keeps us warm but it also smothers us.
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In the When I Think of You book, she effectively takes that blanket off. She talks about taboo subjects—kink, mismatched libidos, the impact of trauma—with a matter-of-factness that makes you wonder why we were ever embarrassed to talk about them in the first place.
She draws on the work of other experts like Emily Nagoski (author of Come As You Are) and Esther Perel, but she adds a layer of modern, digital-first perspective that feels uniquely 2020s. She isn't just reciting research; she's interpreting it for people who are trying to date while a global pandemic aftermath still lingers and the economy feels like a dumpster fire.
Why You Can't Just Skim It
This is one of those books where you find yourself underlining every other sentence. It’s dense, but readable. You might find yourself annoyed at first because she calls out behaviors you’ve definitely done. (I see you, ghosters and "bread-crumbers.") But the "call-out" always comes with a "call-in." She wants you to do better because she knows you’ll be happier for it.
Actionable Steps for Your Own Journey
If you’re ready to actually apply what the When I Think of You book teaches, don't just read it and put it on your shelf.
- Audit your digital boundaries. Look at your phone. Who has access to your energy at 11 PM? If seeing a certain person's name on your screen makes your stomach drop, it’s time to use that block or mute button. It’s not "mean"; it’s self-preservation.
- Start a "Desire Journal." For one week, write down every time you feel a spark of interest—not just romantic, but aesthetic or intellectual. What caught your eye? Why? This helps rebuild that "erotic self" Battle talks about.
- Practice "Radical Honesty" in small doses. The next time someone asks "How are you?" and you’re actually tired, say you’re tired. Building the muscle of honesty in small things makes it easier to be honest in the big, scary romantic things later.
- Redefine "Success." A date isn't a failure if it doesn't lead to a second one. If you learned one thing about what you don't want, it’s a win. Shift the goalposts from "finding the one" to "finding yourself."
The When I Think of You book is essentially a toolkit for building a life that feels authentic. It recognizes that "the one" is a myth, but "the work" is very real. And while the work is hard, Battle makes a compelling case that it’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do.
Start by identifying one area where you’ve been "faking it"—whether that’s in your preferences, your communication, or your boundaries. Acknowledge it without judgment. Then, pick up the book and see how Battle suggests you dismantle that facade. You don't need to change everything overnight; you just need to be willing to look at your reflection with a little more curiosity and a lot more kindness.