It is a heavy, gut-wrenching question that usually hits in the middle of the night. You’re sitting there, maybe after a blowout fight or during a period of eerie silence, wondering why you aren't leaving. Or worse, why you actually feel a "pull" back toward the very person who hurts you. You ask yourself, why do I want to be abused, even though every logical part of your brain says this is dangerous.
It feels like a character flaw. It feels like you’re broken.
But honestly? It’s rarely about wanting pain. It’s about how your brain has been wired to process survival, love, and dopamine under extreme stress. We need to talk about what’s actually happening in your nervous system because "wanting" is a very complicated word when trauma is involved.
The Dopamine Trap and the Intermittent Reinforcement Loop
If an abuser was mean 100% of the time, you’d leave. You would. Most people would. The reason you feel like you "want" to stay is because of the 10% or 20% of the time when they are amazing. This is what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement.
Think of a slot machine. If it never paid out, you’d walk away. But because it pays out just enough to keep you hopeful, you keep pulling the lever. In a toxic relationship, that "payout" is a moment of tenderness, an apology, or a week of "the old them" coming back.
When things are bad, your cortisol—the stress hormone—is spiking. You are in fight-or-flight mode. Then, when the abuser suddenly becomes kind, your brain gets a massive flood of dopamine and oxytocin. It’s a physical high. Your brain starts to associate the abuser not just with the pain, but as the only source of relief from that pain. You aren't seeking the abuse; you are seeking the "hit" of the reconciliation that follows it.
Why Do I Want To Be Abused? The Role of Trauma Bonding
There is a specific phenomenon called trauma bonding, first extensively studied in the context of hostages and cult survivors (often associated with Stockholm Syndrome). It happens when strong emotional ties develop between two people where one intermittently abuses the other.
It's a survival mechanism. Truly.
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When you are a child, you depend on your caregivers for life. If a caregiver is also a source of fear, your brain has to perform a wild trick to survive: it suppresses the fear so you can remain attached to the person you need for food and shelter. If you grew up in a household where love and pain were served on the same plate, your adult brain might struggle to recognize "boring" healthy love as safe.
Familiarity vs. Safety
Sometimes, we confuse "familiar" with "right." If your earliest experiences with love involved being dismissed, yelled at, or controlled, then a partner who treats you well might actually feel unsettling. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In a weird, twisted way, the chaos of an abusive situation can feel like "home." It's a known quantity. You know how to survive a scream; you might not know how to handle a partner who actually listens and respects your boundaries. That lack of drama can feel like a lack of passion. It isn't, but your nervous system is tuned to a different frequency.
The "Repetition Compulsion" Factor
Sigmund Freud talked about something called repetition compulsion. It sounds fancy, but it’s basically the human tendency to recreate traumatic situations from our past in an attempt to "fix" them this time.
If you felt unlovable or rejected by a parent, you might subconsciously seek out a partner who is also rejecting or abusive. Why? Because if you can finally get this person to love you, you’ve retroactively "won." You've proven that you are worthy.
It’s a race with no finish line.
You aren't asking why do I want to be abused because you enjoy the suffering. You are asking because you are trying to solve a puzzle that started decades ago. You’re trying to master the pain by putting yourself back in the driver’s seat of a crash you didn't cause.
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Fawning: The Fourth Stress Response
Everyone knows fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth one: fawn.
Coined by therapist Pete Walker, fawning is a response where you try to please the abuser to avoid the abuse. If you find yourself "wanting" to go back or stay, it might be your fawning response in overdrive. You feel like if you just stay close enough, if you are "good" enough, if you anticipate their every move, you can control the environment.
This creates a sense of "wanting" the connection because, in your lizard brain, connection equals safety. Disconnection—leaving—feels like certain death to your nervous system.
The Physiological Addiction
Let’s get real about the body. When you are in an abusive cycle, your body is a chemistry lab.
- Adrenaline: Keeps you on edge, hyper-aware.
- Cortisol: Floods your system during the "walking on eggshells" phase.
- Endorphins: Released during physical or emotional pain to help you cope.
Over time, your body can actually become addicted to this cycle of stress and release. When you leave, you go into literal withdrawal. You might feel shaky, nauseous, or intensely depressed. This isn't "missing" the person; it's your body demanding the chemical cocktail it's used to.
People often mistake this withdrawal for "true love" or "soulmate energy." It's not. It's a detox.
Breaking the Cycle: Practical Next Steps
If you are currently feeling this pull, stop beating yourself up. Your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do—help you survive a high-stress environment. But you can rewire it.
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1. Go "Low Contact" or "No Contact" to Reset Chemistry
You cannot heal in the environment that made you sick. You need time away from the person to let your dopamine levels stabilize. It usually takes at least 30 to 90 days for the "brain fog" of a trauma bond to start lifting. During this time, you will feel like you're dying. You aren't. You're just sobering up.
2. Name the Pattern
When you feel the urge to go back, stop saying "I miss them." Start saying "My dopamine is low and I am looking for a hit." Shifting the language from emotion to biology helps take the power away from the abuser.
3. Somatic Therapy
Since trauma bonds are stored in the body and the nervous system, talk therapy sometimes isn't enough. Look into Somatic Experiencing or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). These therapies help process the "stuck" survival energy in your body so you don't feel that physical "pull" toward chaos.
4. Build a "Truth Log"
Trauma makes you forget the bad times (this is called "euphoric recall"). Write down every terrible thing they did. Every mean word. Every time they made you cry. When you feel the urge to reach out because you "want" that connection, read the list. It’s a reality check for your brain.
5. Find Your "Boring" People
Start hanging out with people who are stable, even if they feel "boring" at first. You need to recalibrate what safe social interaction feels like. It will feel quiet. It might feel slow. That’s because safety is rarely loud.
You aren't a masochist. You are a human being whose survival instincts have been hijacked by a toxic dynamic. Understanding that why do I want to be abused is a question of biology, not character, is the first step toward actually getting out for good.