The image of the American cowboy is basically a block of granite. You know the one: the lone rider, squinting into the sun, saying maybe three words a day, mostly to his horse. He’s the ultimate symbol of rugged, straight-as-an-arrow masculinity. But if you actually look at the journals, the court records, and the old grainy photos from the late 1800s, the reality is way more complicated and, honestly, a lot more human. The truth is that cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other, and this isn't some modern "woke" reinterpretation of the West. It was a practical, emotional, and sometimes romantic reality of life on the trail.
Cowboys lived in a world without women. That's not an exaggeration. On a long cattle drive from Texas to Montana, a crew of a dozen men might not see a settlement for months. When they did, it was often a rough-and-tumble camp or a tiny trail town. This isolation created a unique social vacuum. In that space, men developed bonds that were incredibly intense. They slept side-by-side for warmth—a practice known as "blanket-sharing"—and relied on each other for literal survival against stampedes, river crossings, and freezing nights. When you spend 24 hours a day with the same five guys, the lines between "best friend" and "life partner" get real blurry, real fast.
The Bachelor Society and the Myth of the Lone Rider
We’ve been fed a diet of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood for so long that we forget the frontier was a "bachelor society." Statistics from the late 19th century suggest that in some Western territories, men outnumbered women by a ratio of 10 to 1 or even 20 to 1. In places like mining camps or remote ranches, those numbers were even more skewed. Because of this, the rigid social rules of the Victorian East Coast didn't really apply.
Out there, masculinity was defined by work, not necessarily by who you loved or how you expressed affection. You see it in the old photos—men sitting on each other's laps, holding hands, or leaning into each other with a physical familiarity that would make a modern "alpha male" sweat. To them, it was just life. They were "partners." That word carries a lot of weight in Western history. Often, two men would homestead together, pool their money, and live their entire lives as a unit. They were "cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other" in the most literal sense, forming domestic bonds because, well, who else was there?
Historian Peter Boag, who wrote Re-dressing America’s Frontier Past, points out that we’ve actually scrubbed a lot of this from our history books. We wanted the West to be a place of "civilization" and traditional family values to justify expansion. So, the stories of men who loved men, or even men who lived as women, were tucked away in dusty archives or labeled as "just good friends."
Bachelor Marriages on the Range
There was even a term for it: "Boston Marriages," though that was usually for women. Among men, it was often just called "palling up."
Think about the environment. You’re 20 years old. You’re a thousand miles from home. You’re exhausted, dirty, and scared. Your "cellie" or your trail partner is the only person who knows your stories. It’s natural that deep, romantic feelings would sprout in that soil.
👉 See also: Why the Man Black Hair Blue Eyes Combo is So Rare (and the Genetics Behind It)
Take the case of Teddy Blue Abbott, a real-deal cowboy who wrote We Pointed Them North. He talked openly about the "sentimental" side of cowboys. He described men who were inseparable, who mourned each other with a ferocity that went beyond casual friendship. While Abbott himself married, his accounts are a goldmine for understanding the emotional landscape of the time. He didn't see these deep bonds as "weird." They were the glue that kept the cattle drives from falling apart.
Why We Misunderstand Cowboy Intimacy
Most people assume that if someone was "fond" of another man back then, they’d be lynched. While "sodomy" laws existed, they were rarely enforced on the frontier unless there was a victim involved or it was used as a political weapon. On a ranch, if you did your work and watched your partner's back, people generally minded their own business. The "Code of the West" was more about loyalty than policing what happened in a shared bunkhouse.
The shift toward the hyper-masculine, strictly heterosexual cowboy really happened in the early 20th century. Writers like Owen Wister (who wrote The Virginian) and early Hollywood filmmakers needed a hero. They needed a guy who represented "American Purity." So, they stripped away the "soft" parts of the cowboy life. They took out the poetry writing, the singing to cattle, and the intense male-to-male intimacy, replacing it with a stoic loner who only cared about his horse and a distant schoolmarm.
- The Physical Reality: Sharing a bedroll wasn't just common; it was a necessity for body heat.
- The Emotional Outlet: Cowboys were known for being incredibly "mushy" in their letters and journals.
- The Social Structure: "Partnering up" was an economic strategy that often turned into a lifelong commitment.
Famous Examples and Hidden Letters
You can’t talk about this without mentioning the letters. We have archives full of correspondence between men in the West that read like modern love letters. They talk about "longing to be in your arms again" or how the "bunk feels empty without you."
Critics often say, "Oh, that’s just how people talked back then!" Sure, Victorian language was more flowery. But there’s a difference between "I value your friendship" and "I can’t wait to press my face against yours." We have to stop being so afraid of the fact that cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other. It doesn't make them less "tough." It makes them more real.
Consider the relationship between Walt Whitman (who spent time out West) and the various working-class men he championed. Or look at the legendary figures who stayed "bachelors" their entire lives, always living with a male "companion." We see it in the mining records of California and the ranching logs of Montana. These weren't isolated incidents. They were a pattern.
✨ Don't miss: Chuck E. Cheese in Boca Raton: Why This Location Still Wins Over Parents
The Brokeback Myth vs. Reality
Brokeback Mountain did a lot to bring this into the mainstream, but it also painted a picture of extreme tragedy and fear. While that was certainly true for many, especially as the 20th century progressed and society became more rigid, the 1870s-1880s were arguably more "open" in a strange way. If there weren't enough women to go around, nobody was particularly surprised when two guys became a permanent pair. It was a functional solution to a lonely existence.
The Actionable Truth of the Frontier
If you’re researching this or just curious about how the West actually functioned, you have to look past the movies. The "rugged individualist" is largely a myth. The West was won by pairs and groups.
Here is how to actually engage with this history:
1. Check the primary sources. Don't just take a historian's word for it. Look at the digital archives of the Library of Congress or state historical societies in Wyoming and Texas. Look for diaries of ordinary cowhands. The language they use for their "partners" is eye-opening.
2. Visit the right museums. The Autry Museum of the American West in Los Angeles has done some incredible work on the "Queer West." They actually showcase the diversity of the frontier, including the roles of "two-spirit" Indigenous people and the fluid nature of gender and sexuality on the range.
3. Read the "Dime Novels" with a critical eye. Even in the cheap fiction of the time, the "partner" relationship was central. The sidekick wasn't just a comedic foil; he was the emotional center of the hero's life.
🔗 Read more: The Betta Fish in Vase with Plant Setup: Why Your Fish Is Probably Miserable
4. Understand the "Stag Dance" culture. In many Western towns, men would hold dances where half the men would tie a handkerchief around their arm to play the "woman's" part. They’d dance all night together. It wasn't a joke; it was how they blew off steam and enjoyed social intimacy in the absence of women.
Moving Beyond the Stereotype
We owe it to the real people of the 19th century to see them as they were, not as we want them to be. Life was hard. It was dusty, violent, and often short. Finding someone to love, someone to be "fond" of, was a survival mechanism. Whether that fondness was a deep platonic brotherhood or a full-blown romantic relationship, it was the heartbeat of the frontier.
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other because humans are wired for connection. When you strip away the tall buildings, the church pews, and the polite society of the East, you’re left with two people around a campfire. It shouldn't surprise us that they found comfort in each other.
To get a true sense of this, start by looking into the "Diary of a Gay Cowboy" (a collection of various historical entries) or the works of Will Fellow, who wrote Farm Boys: Lives of Gay Men from the Rural Midwest. Even though it's a bit later than the peak trail-drive era, the cultural DNA is the same. The silence of the plains didn't mean there wasn't a lot being said—or felt—between the men who worked them.
Stop looking for the "macho" caricature. Start looking for the men who wrote poems to their partners and shared their blankets against the Montana frost. That's where the real West is buried.
Next Steps for the History Buff:
- Search the Digital Public Library of America (DPLA) for "frontier journals" or "men's correspondence 1880s."
- Look up the term "Two-Spirit" to understand how Indigenous cultures influenced Western views on gender before European rigidity took over.
- Read Same-Sex Affairs: A Gay Catholic Priest Hikes the Catholic Church or similar scholarly texts that analyze the bachelor cultures of the 19th-century American West.
The history isn't hidden; it's just waiting for us to be honest enough to read it.