You're mid-dinner, maybe halfway through a decent pasta, and someone drops a heavy question about your career or that one ex you’re trying to forget. Your stomach tightens. The vibe shifts. You say it: can we not talk about that right now? It feels awkward. Maybe even rude. But honestly, it’s one of the most underrated tools in your emotional survival kit.
Modern culture demands transparency. We’re told to "speak our truth" and "lean into the discomfort" 24/7. That’s exhausting. Sometimes, your brain just needs a break from the heavy lifting of processing life’s messes.
The Psychology of Delaying the Conversation
When you use the phrase can we not talk about that right now, you aren't necessarily avoiding the problem forever. You're triaging. In clinical psychology, this is often linked to "emotional regulation." If you’re already stressed from a ten-hour workday, diving into a complex interpersonal conflict is a recipe for a meltdown.
Research by Dr. Gottman and the Gottman Institute often touches on "flooding." This is that physical sensation where your heart rate spikes over 100 beats per minute and you literally can't process logic anymore. When you're flooded, you aren't "communicating." You're just reacting. Shutting it down temporarily isn't weakness; it's a tactical retreat to save the relationship.
Stop. Breathe.
If you force a conversation when one person is clearly saying can we not talk about that right now, you are basically guaranteed to have a bad time. The "right now" is the most important part of that sentence. It implies a "later."
Why It Feels So Wrong to Say
We’ve been conditioned to think that "bottling things up" is the ultimate sin. We see it in movies—the dramatic confrontation in the rain where everyone screams their secrets. Real life isn't a Netflix original. In real life, saying "not now" prevents you from saying something you’ll regret for the next three years.
People often feel guilty because they think they’re being "avoidant." There is a massive difference between chronic avoidance and situational timing. Chronic avoidance is never bringing it up. Situational timing is recognizing that 11:30 PM on a Tuesday is a terrible time to discuss your shared financial future.
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Expert negotiators know this. They call it "the cooling-off period." If the stakes are high, you don't rush. You wait for the cortisol levels to drop.
When "Not Now" Becomes a Problem
Look, we have to be honest here. If you’ve been saying can we not talk about that right now for six months straight regarding the same topic, you’re not regulating; you’re stonewalling.
Stonewalling is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship failure, according to decades of longitudinal studies. It’s when you build a wall and refuse to let the other person in, indefinitely. The difference lies in the follow-up.
A healthy "not now" sounds like: "I’m really overwhelmed, and I can’t give this the attention it deserves. Can we talk about it on Saturday morning over coffee?"
An unhealthy "not now" is just a door slammed in someone’s face.
Setting the Boundary Without Being a Jerk
It’s all in the delivery. Tone matters more than the words themselves. If you bark the phrase at someone, they’re going to get defensive. If you say it with a bit of vulnerability, they’ll usually back off.
Think about these scenarios:
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You’re at a party and someone asks about your recent layoff. You can say, "I’m actually just trying to enjoy the night and clear my head, can we not talk about that right now?" Most people with a shred of social awareness will get the hint.
Or maybe it’s your partner. They want to talk about chores. You just walked in the door. "Hey, I need thirty minutes to decompress from the commute. Can we talk about this after dinner?" That’s a pro move. It’s specific. It’s kind. It’s firm.
The Science of "Right Now"
Our brains have a limited amount of cognitive "bandwidth." When you're tired, your prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and complex thought—is basically running on low battery.
Trying to have a "deep" conversation when your battery is at 2% is like trying to run Photoshop on a 2005 laptop. It’s going to crash. By saying can we not talk about that right now, you’re essentially saying, "I want to have this conversation when I can actually be a good listener."
Shifting the Narrative on Avoidance
We need to stop pathologizing the need for space. In a world that is always "on," the ability to hit the pause button is a superpower. It’s about consent. You are allowed to choose when you engage in emotional labor.
It’s also worth noting that different cultures have different "wait times" for conflict. Some cultures value immediate resolution. Others value a period of silence and reflection. Neither is inherently "correct," but problems arise when two people have different styles. If you're the "let's talk now" person, hearing can we not talk about that right now feels like rejection. It’s not. It’s just a different processing speed.
Concrete Steps for Using This Phrase Effectively
To make this work in your life, you need a strategy. You can't just drop the line and vanish into the shadows like a Batman villain.
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First, acknowledge the other person's need. A quick "I know this is important to you" goes a long way. It validates them without forcing you into the conversation immediately.
Second, give a reason that isn't an attack. Instead of "You're stressing me out," try "I'm feeling really drained and I want to be in the right headspace for this."
Third—and this is the big one—you have to be the one to bring it back up. If you're the one who asked for the delay, the burden is on you to restart the conversation. This builds trust. It shows that can we not talk about that right now wasn't a lie to get out of a hard talk.
Practical Framework for Reclaiming Your Peace
- Step 1: The Internal Check. Before you snap, ask yourself: Is it the topic I hate, or just the timing?
- Step 2: The Soft Close. Use the phrase naturally. "Honestly, I'm kinda wiped. Can we not talk about that right now? I promise we'll get to it tomorrow."
- Step 3: The Time-Stamp. Always offer a specific alternative time. This kills the anxiety for the other person.
- Step 4: The Follow-Through. Actually show up at the time you promised.
Don't let people pressure you into performing "emotional availability" when you're empty. It’s okay to wait. It’s okay to protect your peace. Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do for a relationship is to stop talking for a while and just exist in the same room without an agenda.
Next time you feel that familiar rise of panic when a heavy topic drops, remember that you have the right to pause. Say the words. Take the breath. The conversation will still be there when you're ready for it.
Actionable Insight: The next time you feel overwhelmed by a conversation, use a "When/Then" statement. "When I've had some sleep/food/quiet time, then I'll be able to talk about this properly." This transforms a hard "no" into a collaborative "later."