We’ve all been there. It is 2:00 AM, you are sitting on a curb outside a closed diner, and you are laughing so hard your ribs actually ache. You aren't laughing at anything particularly funny—maybe just the way a streetlamp flickered or a mispronounced word—but in that fleeting second, the world feels completely aligned. These are the best of friends moments that we usually dismiss as "just hanging out," yet science is increasingly finding that these specific interactions are the literal building blocks of our physical health.
Friendship isn't just a social luxury. It’s a biological imperative.
Most people think of friendship as a series of big events. Weddings. Birthdays. Road trips. But researchers like Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at Oxford, argue that the "high-density" moments—the small, repetitive, often ridiculous interactions—matter way more for our brain chemistry. It’s the inside joke that doesn't need a punchline. It’s the silent car ride where nobody feels the need to fill the space with small talk.
The Science Behind Why We Need These Best of Friends Moments
It sounds kinda clinical to break down a "bestie" moment into dopamine and oxytocin, but that’s exactly what’s happening in your skull. When you share a deep, belly-aching laugh with a close friend, your brain releases endorphins. These are the body's natural painkillers.
The "Dunbar Number" is a famous concept suggesting humans can only maintain about 150 stable relationships. However, within that 150, there is a "support clique" of about five people. These are the folks who provide the best of friends moments that keep us from literally dying early. A landmark meta-analysis by Julianne Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University found that a lack of strong social ties is as risky to your lifespan as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Think about that. Not having someone to grab a taco with at midnight is statistically as dangerous as a pack-a-day habit.
It’s not just about feeling "happy." It’s about stress regulation.
When you’re going through a crisis, your cortisol levels spike. If you're alone, that cortisol stays high, damaging your arteries and weakening your immune system. But when a friend shows up—even if they don't say the "right" thing—the mere presence of a trusted person triggers a physiological downshift. Your heart rate slows. Your blood pressure drops. It’s a physical reset.
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Not All Moments Are Created Equal
Social media has sort of ruined our perception of what a "moment" is. We see the filtered vacation photos and think that is the peak of friendship. Honestly? It usually isn't. The best moments are often the ones that would look terrible on Instagram.
They are the "low-stakes" interactions.
- Helping someone move a heavy couch up three flights of stairs while swearing at the narrow corners.
- Staying on the phone for four hours while one person does their taxes and the other plays video games.
- The immediate, unspoken agreement to leave a boring party three minutes after arriving.
These moments work because they require "mutual vulnerability." You aren't performing. You’re just being.
The "Shared Reality" Theory
Psychologists at Columbia University have studied something called "Shared Reality." This is the feeling that your internal world matches someone else's. When you have one of those best of friends moments where you both realize you’re thinking the exact same weird thought, your brain gets a massive hit of validation. It tells you that you aren't crazy. It tells you that you belong.
Evolutionarily, being "out" of the group meant you were probably going to be eaten by a predator. We haven't outgrown that fear. That’s why "ghosting" or being left out of a group chat feels physically painful; the brain processes social rejection in the same centers it processes physical pain. Conversely, being "in" on the joke is the ultimate safety signal.
Why Adult Friendships Feel So Hard
Let’s be real. Maintaining these moments as an adult is a nightmare. In college, you lived ten feet away from your friends. Now? You have to schedule a "catch-up" three weeks in advance, and someone usually cancels because their kid has a fever or they're just burnt out from work.
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Sociologists call this "the friendship recession." We are lonelier than ever despite being more "connected."
The fix isn't more parties. The fix is "propinquity"—the physical proximity that allows for spontaneous, unplanned interactions. If you have to schedule every single interaction, you lose the magic of the unplanned. This is why the best of friends moments often happen in mundane places: the grocery store, the gym, or during a commute.
The Nuance of "Platonic Intimacy"
There is a specific type of intimacy that exists only between best friends. It’s different from romantic love. It’s less possessive. It’s a "witnessing." A best friend is someone who has seen the different versions of you—the "depressed you," the "ambitious you," the "embarrassing phase you"—and stayed.
That history creates a shorthand. You don't have to explain the context of your family drama. They already know the players. You don't have to explain why you’re annoyed at your boss. They were there for the last three jobs.
This shared history is why "new" friends, while great, can't always provide the same level of emotional regulation as a long-term best friend. There is a "cost of entry" to deep friendship that only time can pay.
Real Talk: Friendship "Maintenance"
If you want more of these best of friends moments, you have to be the one to initiate. It feels vulnerable to be the person who reaches out first. We all have that "if they wanted to talk to me, they would" mentality. It's toxic. Everyone is tired. Everyone feels awkward.
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Be the person who sends the stupid meme. Be the person who asks the "boring" questions about how their Tuesday went.
- The 10-Minute Rule: If you think of a friend, text them immediately. Don't wait for a "good time." There is no good time. Just say "Hey, saw this and thought of you."
- Lower the Bar: Stop trying to plan "events." Invite them to do the things you were already going to do. Going to Target? Ask if they want to come along.
- The "Check-In" Ritual: Have a standing date. Even if it’s just a 15-minute call every Sunday morning while you fold laundry. Consistency beats intensity every single time.
The Dark Side of Close Bonds
It’s worth noting that friendship isn't always sunshine. High-stakes friendships can lead to "co-rumination." This is when friends spend all their time talking about their problems without ever looking for solutions. It feels like bonding, but it actually increases anxiety and depression.
The best of friends moments should leave you feeling lighter, not heavier. If you find that every time you hang out with someone, you leave feeling drained or "slimed" by their negativity, that’s a red flag. True friendship requires a balance of support and shared joy.
Moving Toward More Meaningful Connections
We live in a world that prioritizes productivity over connection. We are told to "network" for our careers and "date" for our future families, but where is the pressure to "befriend" for our souls?
The most vibrant best of friends moments are the ones where time disappears. You look at your watch and four hours have vanished. This is "flow state," but for social interaction. It’s rare, it’s precious, and it’s the only thing that really makes the grind of modern life bearable.
Stop waiting for the "perfect" time to reconnect. The perfect time passed three months ago. The next best time is right now.
Actionable Next Steps to Build Better Moments:
- Audit your "inner circle": Identify the 3-5 people who actually make you feel energized. These are the people you should prioritize over "acquaintances."
- Create "Low-Stakes" Invitations: Instead of a dinner reservation, ask a friend to join you for a walk or a mundane errand. This removes the "performance" aspect of socializing.
- Practice "Active-Constructive Responding": When a friend shares a small win, celebrate it intensely. Research shows that how you respond to good news is actually more predictive of a long-term bond than how you respond to bad news.
- Eliminate "Catch-Up" Guilt: If you haven't spoken in months, don't start the text with an apology for being a "bad friend." It creates a debt. Just start with "I miss you, let's talk."
- Value the Silence: Next time you’re with a best friend, resist the urge to fill every gap with noise. The ability to be silent together is the ultimate sign of a secure attachment.