It’s a wall. Honestly, that’s the best way to describe the phrase "believe me ive tried." It isn't just a sentence; it’s a white flag of surrender wrapped in a plea for validation. You’ve probably said it while staring at a mounting pile of debt, a relationship that’s curdling like old milk, or a fitness goal that feels more like a pipe dream than a plan.
When someone says those four words, they are usually exhausted.
Psychologically, we hit this point called "learned helplessness." Martin Seligman, a pioneer in positive psychology, spent years researching this back in the late 1960s at the University of Pennsylvania. He found that when people (or animals) feel like they have no control over an outcome, they eventually stop trying—even when a solution is staring them right in the face. It's a survival mechanism gone wrong. You aren't being lazy. Your brain is literally trying to save energy because it thinks the "fight" is a waste of time.
The psychology of the "believe me ive tried" plateau
We love a good grit story. We celebrate the "never give up" mantra until it becomes a toxic weight. But there is a real, measurable phenomenon where effort yields diminishing returns. In economics, they call it the law of diminishing marginal utility, but in our personal lives, it feels more like banging your head against a brick wall.
Sometimes, you really have tried everything you know how to do.
But here is the nuance. "Everything you know how to do" is not the same as "everything that can be done." There’s a massive gap between those two things. Most people operate within a small circle of familiar strategies. If you’re trying to lose weight and you’ve tried every low-carb diet on the planet but never looked at your cortisol levels or sleep hygiene, have you really tried everything? Technically, no. But to your exhausted brain, it feels like a resounding yes.
I’ve seen this in career coaching all the time. A client will say, "believe me ive tried networking," but what they actually mean is they sent ten LinkedIn messages to strangers and got ghosted. That’s a specific type of effort, but it’s not an exhaustive one. The frustration is real, though. The cortisol spike is real.
The ego's role in failure
Our egos are fragile. Admitting that we’ve tried and failed hurts less than admitting we might be doing the wrong thing entirely. By saying "believe me ive tried," we are protecting our identity. We are telling the world, "I am a capable person, but this problem is unsolvable." It shifts the blame from our strategy to the universe.
It’s a comfort blanket.
If the problem is unsolvable, you don’t have to feel guilty about stopping. This is what researchers call "self-handicapping." We create obstacles or narratives that allow us to save face. If I tell you I’ve tried everything, and I still fail, it’s not because I’m incompetent—it’s because the task was impossible. It’s a subtle shift in narrative that keeps our self-esteem intact while our goals wither on the vine.
Why your friends hate hearing it
Let’s be real for a second. When you tell a friend "believe me ive tried," you are effectively shutting down the conversation. You are telling them, "Don't offer advice. Don't help. Just pity me."
It’s exhausting for the listener.
They want to help. They see a solution. But you’ve put up a "No Entry" sign. This creates a friction point in relationships. The speaker feels unheard; the listener feels useless. Eventually, the listener stops offering help altogether, which reinforces the speaker's belief that they are truly alone in their struggle. It’s a nasty, self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead of a dialogue, it becomes a dead end.
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Clinical psychologists often suggest replacing this phrase with something more vulnerable. Instead of "believe me ive tried," try saying, "I feel like I've exhausted my current resources and I'm feeling overwhelmed." It’s a small shift, but it opens the door for a different kind of support. It moves the conversation from a factual claim (which might be false) to an emotional truth (which is always valid).
The biological burnout factor
Sometimes the phrase is a literal cry for help from your nervous system. Chronic stress does things to the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for problem-solving and executive function. When you are burnt out, your "cognitive flexibility" tanks. You literally cannot see new solutions.
You aren't lying when you say you've tried.
You are just looking at the world through a very narrow straw. Research published in Nature Communications has shown that prolonged stress actually re-wires the brain to favor habit over goal-directed behavior. You keep doing the same thing that doesn't work because your brain is too tired to map out a new path. It’s easier to stay in the rut than to climb out of it.
- Decision Fatigue: Making choices takes energy. If you've spent months trying to fix a problem, your "choice battery" is at zero.
- Physical Exhaustion: High cortisol levels lead to poor sleep, which leads to lower willpower.
- Social Isolation: We tend to pull away right when we need a fresh perspective the most.
When to actually stop trying
Is there a time when you should actually listen to yourself? Yes.
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Persistence is a virtue, but "sunk cost fallacy" is a trap. This is the tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made, even if the current costs outweigh the benefits. If you’ve spent five years trying to make a failing business work, and you’re saying "believe me ive tried," maybe it’s time to stop trying to fix that business and start trying something else entirely.
Quitting is not always failure. Sometimes it’s a strategic pivot.
The most successful people aren't the ones who never give up; they are the ones who know exactly when to cut their losses. They realize that "trying" has become a form of procrastination. They are so busy "trying" to fix the unfixable that they don't have to face the scary reality of starting over.
Real-world examples of the "Try-Hard" trap
Take the classic "Fix-it" relationship. One partner spends years in therapy, reading books, and initiating "talks." They say "believe me ive tried" to their friends while crying over a glass of wine. The truth? They have tried to change their partner. They haven't tried leaving.
Or look at the job seeker who applies to 500 roles using the same outdated resume. They’ve "tried," but they haven't evolved. They are repeating a failed experiment 500 times and expecting a different result. That isn't effort; that's insanity.
How to move past the "tried it" wall
If you find yourself uttering these words, you need a pattern interrupt. You need to stop the engine and get out of the car.
First, define "everything." Write it down. Literally. Make a list of every specific action you have taken. Usually, when people do this, they realize they’ve done three things very intensely, but they haven't actually touched the other fifty possibilities. It’s a reality check.
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Second, change the variable. If you’ve been trying to solve a problem with logic, try using intuition. If you’ve been trying to do it alone, hire a professional. If you’ve been trying to do it fast, try doing it agonizingly slow.
Third, check your "Why." Often, we "try" things we don't actually want because we think we should want them. You might be failing to get that promotion because, subconsciously, you hate the management culture at your company. Your lack of success isn't a lack of effort; it's an internal protest.
Actionable insights for the exhausted
- The 20% Shift: Instead of trying harder, try 20% differently. Change one major factor—your environment, your timing, or your primary tool.
- External Audits: Ask someone you trust (and who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings) to look at your process. Ask them: "What am I missing?"
- The "So What?" Method: Imagine the thing you're trying to do never happens. What's the worst-case scenario? Often, the pressure to succeed is what's causing the "believe me ive tried" paralysis. Lower the stakes to regain your clarity.
- Timed Surrender: Give yourself a "quit date." Say, "I will try X, Y, and Z for 30 more days. If nothing shifts, I am walking away with zero guilt." This removes the "infinite loop" of effort that leads to burnout.
Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is admit that your current version of "trying" is broken. It’s not an indictment of your character. It’s just data. Use it. Walk away from the wall and look for a door. It’s usually a few feet to the left, hidden behind the ego you were trying so hard to protect. Stop trying to move the wall. Start looking for the exit. That’s where the real progress begins. No more excuses, no more "believe me ive tried" defense mechanisms—just a cold, hard look at the map and a decision to walk a different path. It's quieter there. And usually, much more effective.