You’ve probably said it. Your best friend has definitely screamed it into a pillow after a third consecutive "u up?" text at 2 a.m. Maybe you’re sitting at a bar right now, nursing a lukewarm cider, wondering why the guy you’ve been seeing for three weeks suddenly vanished into the digital ether only to "like" an Instagram photo of your cat four days later. The question "why are men arseholes" isn't just a venting mechanism; it’s become a genuine cultural inquiry.
But here’s the thing.
Labeling half the population as inherently villainous is easy, but it’s also a bit of a cop-out. It’s more complicated than "men are just bad." We’re living through a weird, friction-filled era where traditional masculinity is crashing head-first into modern emotional expectations, and the resulting debris looks a lot like, well, arsehole behavior.
The Biology of the "Arsehole" Response
Let’s get nerdy for a second. Is it just testosterone? People love to blame that little hormone for everything from road rage to cheating. While high testosterone is linked to dominance-seeking behavior, it doesn’t actually force someone to be a jerk. Research from the University of Zurich has shown that testosterone can actually increase prosocial behavior in certain social contexts—it makes men want to protect their status.
The problem? In our current world, "status" is often defined by being detached, stoic, or "winning" the interaction.
Evolutionary psychology suggests that men were historically rewarded for being assertive and risk-taking. In 2026, those same traits translate to "ignoring your boundaries" or "refusing to admit they’re wrong." It’s a hardware-software mismatch. The biological drive to compete hasn't been updated for a world that requires high-level emotional intelligence and the ability to discuss feelings without recoiling like a salted slug.
Socialization and the "Man Box"
Ever heard of the "Man Box"? Sociologist Tony Porter talks about this a lot. It’s this rigid set of rules for what "real men" are supposed to be: strong, silent, emotionless, and dominant.
When boys are told from age five that "big boys don't cry," they don't just stop crying. They stop processing. They learn to shove every nuance of sadness, fear, or insecurity into a dark corner of their brain. By the time they hit thirty, those repressed emotions don't come out as a healthy conversation. They come out as passive-aggression. They come out as ghosting because the idea of a "breakup talk" feels like physical torture.
It’s easier to be an arsehole than it is to be vulnerable.
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Honestly, it’s a defense mechanism. If I don't let you in, you can't hurt me. If I act like I don't care, I'm the one in control. This "cool girl/stoic guy" dynamic is a toxic loop that leaves everyone feeling lonely and annoyed. We see this in the "dark triad" of personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—which studies show are slightly more prevalent in men, often because these traits are accidentally incentivized in corporate and social hierarchies.
The Digital Disconnect
Dating apps have made everything worse. Purely.
In the past, if you were a jerk to someone in your village, everyone knew. You had social accountability. Now? You can be an absolute nightmare to someone on a Tuesday and have a fresh slate with a new person by Thursday. This "gamification" of human connection strips away empathy. When people become profiles, we stop treating them like humans with central nervous systems and start treating them like levels in a game.
Why are men arseholes in relationships specifically?
Attachment theory gives us some big clues here. A huge chunk of what we perceive as "arsehole behavior" is actually avoidant attachment.
When things get too close or too real, the avoidant partner panics. They pull away. They pick a fight over something stupid like the way you chew your toast just to create distance. To the person on the receiving end, it feels like cruelty. To the guy doing it, it feels like survival. He’s "protecting" his independence.
Then there’s the "Mental Load" issue.
- He forgets your birthday.
- He "helps out" with the dishes instead of just doing them.
- He asks "what's for dinner" while you're holding a screaming toddler and a work laptop.
This isn't always malice. It’s often weaponized incompetence. If he does it badly enough, or "forgets" often enough, he knows you’ll just do it yourself. It’s a subtle, frustrating way of maintaining power by opting out of responsibility. It makes him an arsehole, but in his mind, he’s just "not good at that stuff."
The Impact of Online Subcultures
We can't talk about this without mentioning the "Manosphere."
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From "Alpha" influencers to "Sigma" grindset TikToks, there is a massive industry built on teaching men that empathy is a weakness. These creators tell young men that women are prizes to be won or puzzles to be solved, not people to be respected. When a guy spends four hours a day listening to a podcast telling him he needs to "frame control" his girlfriend, he’s going to act like an arsehole.
It’s brainwashing with a side of protein powder.
These ideologies prey on lonely men and give them a target for their frustration. Instead of looking inward at their own insecurities, they blame "modernity" or "feminism." It creates a cycle where they act out, get rejected, and then dive deeper into the toxic content because it validates their anger.
Is it Everyone? (The "Not All Men" Trap)
Look, obviously not every man is an arsehole. But the reason the phrase "why are men arseholes" resonates so deeply is because the systemic behavior is so consistent. It’s a collective experience of being let down by a lack of emotional labor.
When people ask this question, they aren't usually talking about a guy who accidentally tripped them on the street. They’re talking about the guy who lied about being married, the boss who takes credit for their work, or the father who was physically present but emotionally a thousand miles away.
The "arsehole" label is a catch-all for a lack of accountability.
Moving Toward Something Better
So, how do we actually fix this? It’s not just about venting. It’s about changing the script.
Men need to realize that emotional literacy is a skill, like lifting weights or coding. You aren't born with it; you have to practice it. And for those dealing with the arseholes? Setting hard boundaries is the only way forward. Stop making excuses for "past trauma" or "work stress."
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Behavior is a language. If he’s acting like an arsehole, he’s telling you exactly how much he values the relationship. Believe him the first time.
Actionable Steps for a Better Dynamic
If you're tired of the "arsehole" cycle, or if you're a guy reading this wondering if you're the problem, here’s the reality check.
Audit the "Bids for Connection"
Gottman Institute research talks about "bids"—small attempts at connection. When your partner says, "Look at that bird," do you look, or do you grunt at your phone? Turning away is the first step toward arsehole territory. Start turning toward.
Kill the "Nice Guy" Narrative
Being a "Nice Guy" (tm) isn't the same as being a good man. If you're only being kind because you expect sex or validation in return, that's just manipulation with a bow on it. True kindness doesn't have a transaction fee.
Call Out Your Friends
The biggest change happens in the locker room or the group chat. When a mate says something derogatory or acts like a jerk to his partner, say something. "Bro, that’s actually a bit shit" is a powerful sentence. Social pressure from other men is ten times more effective than any lecture.
Check Your Attachment Style
Take an actual test. Understand if you're pulling away because of fear. If you know your patterns, you can stop them before they hurt someone else. Awareness is the only bridge between being an arsehole and being a partner.
Stop settling for the bare minimum and stop providing it. The "arsehole" era only ends when we stop rewarding it with our time and attention.