You're at a party. Someone asks, "So, what do you do?" Your heart does a weird little flutter. Not the good kind. It’s that subtle, creeping dread that your answer might not be impressive enough. You're worried they’ll look past your shoulder for someone more "important" the second you finish your sentence. This is exactly what Alain de Botton calls status anxiety, and honestly, it’s probably the most relatable thing he’s ever written about.
It's a weird kind of pain.
It isn't like physical hunger or the grief of losing a loved one. It’s a "quiet" agony. It’s the nagging suspicion that we are "nobodies." De Botton published Status Anxiety back in 2004, but in our hyper-connected, LinkedIn-obsessed world, his observations feel almost uncomfortably prophetic. He defines it as a worry that we are in danger of failing to conform to the ideals of success laid down by our society. If we fail, we lose our dignity. We lose respect. We become invisible.
What exactly is Status Anxiety?
Basically, it's the price we pay for living in a meritocracy.
Think about it. In a traditional feudal society, if you were a peasant, you were just a peasant. It wasn't your fault. You didn't "fail" at being a lord; you just weren't born one. There was a certain peace in that. But today? We're told anyone can be anything. We’re told that if you have talent and energy, you’ll rise to the top.
The flip side is brutal.
If the "winners" deserve their success, then the "losers" must deserve their failure. De Botton points out that in the past, the poor were called "unfortunates." Now, in many circles, they’re implicitly viewed as "failures." That shift in vocabulary is everything. It turns a lack of money into a lack of character. That’s where the anxiety kicks in. We aren't just worried about our bank accounts; we're worried about our souls.
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The Five Causes De Botton Nails
He breaks down why we feel this way into five distinct buckets.
Lovelessness is the big one. We usually think of "love" as romantic, but de Botton argues we crave a broader kind of love: the attention of the world. When we have high status, people smile at us, listen to our jokes, and treat our opinions with weight. When we have low status, we are ignored. To be ignored is, as William James once suggested, a psychological torture. We want to be "somebody" because being "nobody" feels like being dead while you're still breathing.
Then there’s Expectation. We live better than almost any king in the 17th century. We have indoor plumbing, antibiotics, and the entire world's knowledge in our pockets. But we don't compare ourselves to 17th-century kings. We compare ourselves to our neighbors. Or worse, to people on Instagram who have better abs and more successful startups than we do.
"The price we have paid for expecting to be so much more than our ancestors is a perpetual anxiety that we are far from being all we might be." — Alain de Botton
He also talks about Meritocracy. As mentioned before, this is the idea that your position in life reflects your value. It sounds fair until you realize how much luck actually plays a role. If you believe in a perfect meritocracy, you have to believe that the person cleaning the floors is somehow "lesser" than the CEO. It's a cruel way to organize a planet.
Snobbery is the catalyst. A snob is anyone who takes a small part of you—like your job title—and uses it to define your entire value as a human. We hate snobs, but we also fear them. Their judgment is the mirror we look into when we feel like we're failing.
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Finally, there’s Dependence. Our status today is rarely secure. It depends on a volatile economy, the whims of a boss, or the health of a company. We are constantly walking a tightrope. One bad quarter, one AI breakthrough, or one "restructuring" and our status—and the respect that comes with it—could vanish overnight.
The Solutions: How to Stop Caring (Sorta)
De Botton doesn't just leave us in a puddle of despair. He offers "cures," though they’re more like perspectives to help us cope.
Philosophy: This is about using your brain to challenge the world's definitions of success. Just because society says a certain job is "low status" doesn't mean it’s true. Philosophers like Schopenhauer suggested that other people's heads are a "shabby place" for your true self to live. Why care what a crowd of strangers thinks?
Art: High art often challenges the hierarchy. Think about a great novel or a film that makes you sympathize with a "failure" or a social outcast. Art reminds us that the human experience is way more complex than a tax bracket. It humanizes the people society wants us to ignore.
Politics: This is the reminder that what we consider "high status" changes constantly. In the past, it was being a brave warrior. In another era, it was being a holy monk. Today, it’s being a wealthy entrepreneur. Since these definitions are arbitrary, we don't have to take them so seriously. We can fight to change what society values.
Religion (or Secular Transcendence): You don't have to be religious to get this. It’s about the "memento mori" vibe—remembering that we’re all going to die. When you look at the ruins of a great civilization or a vast desert, your career anxieties start to look pretty small. In the face of eternity, the difference between a senior VP and a junior associate is basically zero.
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Bohemia: This is about finding your "tribe." Bohemians are people who consciously choose to value things like creativity, friendship, or travel over traditional career success. If you hang out with people who don't care about fancy cars, you'll stop caring about them too.
Why the 2020s Made Everything Worse
Honestly, de Botton could have written a whole second book just on social media.
In 2004, you only had to worry about the person in the cubicle next to you. Now, you’re competing with the curated highlights of eight billion people. It’s status anxiety on steroids. We are constantly performing. Every post is a bid for status, a "look at me, I'm doing well" signal to the void.
The gig economy has also ramped up the "Dependence" factor. When you're a freelancer or a contract worker, your status is re-evaluated every single day. There’s no tenure. There’s no "I’ve made it." You're only as good as your last gig. This creates a state of permanent, low-grade panic that de Botton described perfectly before it became the global norm.
Practical Steps to Calm the Brain
If you're feeling the weight of status anxiety right now, here are a few ways to actually apply de Botton's insights without moving to a cave in the woods.
- Audit your "Inner Circle." If your friends only talk about money, promotions, and luxury watches, you are going to feel anxious. Period. Find people who value you for your weird jokes or your ability to listen.
- Practice "Reframing." When you feel that sting of envy, ask yourself: "Am I jealous of their life, or just the symbol of their success?" Usually, we don't actually want the 80-hour work weeks that come with the "high status" job; we just want the respect. Remind yourself that you can get respect in other ways.
- Consume "Useless" Art. Spend time with books or movies that have nothing to do with productivity or "winning." Read tragedies. Tragedy is the antidote to the "winner/loser" narrative because it shows how good people can fail through no fault of their own.
- The "Graveyard Test." It’s a bit macabre, but it works. Walk through an old cemetery. Look at the headstones of people who were once "very important" in their town. Their status is gone. Their rivalries are gone. It puts your current "emergency" in perspective.
- Define Success on Your Own Terms. This is the hardest part. You have to sit down and decide what a "good life" looks like to you, not to your parents or your LinkedIn feed. If success means having time to garden and play with your dog, then a high-powered job might actually be a form of failure for you.
At the end of the day, Alain de Botton isn't saying we should stop wanting to be successful. He’s saying we should stop letting a narrow, often cruel definition of success dictate our happiness. Status anxiety is a natural human reaction to a judgmental world, but we don't have to let it run the show. We can choose which games we want to play—and which ones aren't worth the stress.