Let’s be real for a second. Talking about what you actually want to do in bed—and what you definitely don't want to do—is awkward. It just is. Even if you've been with someone for years, sitting down to say, "Hey, I've always wanted to try this specific thing," can feel like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. That's exactly why the sexual yes no maybe list became a thing. It’s basically a cheat sheet for consent and desire.
It takes the pressure off.
Instead of stumbling through a weird conversation while the mood is already set, you do the work beforehand. You sit down, usually with a glass of wine or some coffee, and you go through a checklist. It sounds clinical. It sounds like doing your taxes. But honestly? It’s one of the most intimate things you can do with a partner because it removes the guesswork. No more "I think they might like this, but I'm too scared to ask." You just know.
What is a sexual yes no maybe list anyway?
At its core, a sexual yes no maybe list is an inventory. It's a massive list of activities, sensations, roles, and scenarios. You and your partner go through it separately and mark each item.
- Yes: You love it, you want it, let’s do it tonight.
- No: Hard pass. Not now, not ever. Don’t even ask.
- Maybe: You’re curious. Maybe you need more info. Maybe you’d try it if the vibe was right.
The magic happens in the "Maybe" column. That’s where the growth is. But the "No" column is just as important because it sets the boundaries that keep everyone feeling safe.
Psychologically, these lists work because they provide a "third object" in the conversation. Instead of you saying to your partner, "I want you to do X," you are both looking at a piece of paper or a screen. The list is the focus. It acts as a buffer. Research in communication studies often points to how structured tools can reduce "evaluation apprehension"—that's the fancy way of saying you're less worried about being judged when you're just filling out a form.
The history of the checklist
Checklists for sex aren't brand new. They’ve been staples in the BDSM and kink communities for decades. Why? Because when you’re dealing with high-intensity play or power dynamics, "winging it" is dangerous. Groups like the Scarleteen project and various educators like Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, have long championed the idea of explicit communication. Nagoski’s work often emphasizes that "context is everything." A list helps you define that context before the clothes even come off.
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Why people get these lists totally wrong
Most people download a sexual yes no maybe list, hand it to their partner, and expect it to solve every problem in their relationship. It won't. If you have deep-seated resentment or communication breakdowns, a PDF isn't a magic wand.
Another huge mistake? Treating "Maybe" like a "Yes" in waiting.
If your partner marks something as a "Maybe," it doesn't mean you should push them into it. It means they have questions. It means they might be open to it under very specific circumstances. Pushing a "Maybe" into a "Yes" without a real conversation is a fast track to ruining trust. You have to respect the "No"s, too. If your partner says no to something you’ve been dying to try, it can sting. It sucks. But knowing that "No" exists is better than trying it and having them feel violated or uncomfortable.
The "Maybe" Nuance
Let's talk about that middle ground. Sometimes a "Maybe" means "I like the idea, but I'm scared of the execution." Or "I'd do this, but only if we use a specific toy." Or even "I'm only okay with this if I'm the one in control."
When you see a "Maybe" on your partner’s list, your first response shouldn't be "When can we do it?" It should be "Tell me more about what this looks like for you."
How to use a sexual yes no maybe list without it being weird
First, pick a good time. Don't spring this on someone right as they walk through the door after a ten-hour shift. Don't do it right before sex either. You want a neutral, relaxed environment.
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- Print two copies. Or use an app. There are plenty of digital versions, like the Mojo app or various online "kink tests" that compare your answers and only show you the matches.
- Do it separately. This is crucial. If you sit next to each other, you’ll be tempted to peek or change your answers based on what you think they want. Be honest. If you hate something, mark it "No."
- The "Match Only" method. If you're nervous, you can agree to only look at the items where you both said "Yes" or "Maybe." This protects you from the vulnerability of admitting you want something your partner finds repulsive.
- Set a "No-Shame" rule. Agree beforehand that nothing on the list is "gross" or "weird."
The psychological safety factor
A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy highlights that sexual self-disclosure—being open about what you like—is directly linked to higher relationship satisfaction. But you can't have disclosure without safety. The sexual yes no maybe list creates a container for that safety. It’s a contract of sorts. It says, "I care about your boundaries as much as your pleasures."
Where to find a good list
You don’t need to pay for these. There are incredible free resources out there.
- Scarleteen: Their "Yes, No, Maybe" graphic is legendary in the sex-ed world. It’s inclusive and covers a wide range of physical and emotional acts.
- BDSM Checklists: If you’re looking to get into more specific power play, sites like The Dungeons or Kinkly offer lists that go into extreme detail about specific sensations, from temperature play to impact.
- The "3-Minute Game": While not a list per se, Betty Martin’s "Wheel of Consent" is a great companion to these lists. It helps you figure out if you're doing something for your own pleasure or your partner's.
The unexpected benefits of the "No" column
We spend so much time focusing on the "Yes," but the "No" column is where the real intimacy lives. When you tell someone your "No"s, and they accept them without complaining or wheedling, you feel safe. That safety is the foundation of better sex.
Think about it.
If you know for a fact that your partner will never try to surprise you with something you hate, you can relax 100%. You stop "scanning" for potential discomfort and start actually feeling what's happening. For people with a history of trauma or just general anxiety, the "No" column is a sanctuary.
Making your own categories
Sometimes the pre-made lists are a bit... much. Or they’re missing things. Feel free to add your own categories to your sexual yes no maybe list.
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- Atmosphere: Do you like music? Candles? Total silence? High-noon sun?
- Emotional Acts: Is eye contact a "Yes" or a "Maybe"? What about dirty talk?
- Aftercare: This is a huge one. What do you need after sex? To be held? To be left alone for 20 minutes? A glass of water?
Adding these "logistical" items makes the list feel more like a roadmap for your specific relationship rather than a generic porn menu.
Dealing with the "Mismatches"
It’s going to happen. You’ll have a "Yes" for something that is a hard "No" for them.
It’s okay.
It doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. It means you are two different human beings with different bodies and brains. The list helps you identify these gaps early. From there, you can decide if it's a dealbreaker (rarely) or if you can find a "middle ground" activity that hits the same psychological itch for you without crossing their boundary.
For example, if you want "impact" (spanking, etc.) and they say "No," maybe the actual thing you're craving is the intensity or the "sting." You can look for other ways to get that intensity that don't involve the specific act they've vetoed.
Actionable Steps to Take Right Now
- Download a template: Look for the Scarleteen Yes/No/Maybe list as a starting point. It’s balanced and non-intimidating.
- Schedule a "Date Night": Not for sex, but for the "Sex Talk." Order pizza, put the phones away, and go through your lists.
- Start with the "Matches": Focus on the things you both said "Yes" to. It builds positive momentum.
- Pick one "Maybe" to explore: Choose one thing you both marked as "Maybe" and talk about what would make it a "Yes." What are the fears? What are the fantasies?
- Revisit the list every six months: People change. What was a "No" three years ago might be a "Maybe" now. Or a "Yes" might have become a "No" because you tried it and realized it wasn't for you.
The sexual yes no maybe list isn't a one-and-done document. It's a living breathing thing. It evolves as you do. Use it as a conversation starter, not a final verdict. If you approach it with curiosity instead of expectation, it can completely transform how you connect with your partner. It turns "What do you want to do?" into "Look at all these things we could do." And that’s a much more exciting place to be.