Martha Washington. That’s the answer. But if you think she walked into the President’s House—which wasn't even the White House yet—knowing she was the "First Lady," you’re mistaken.
The title didn’t even exist.
Back in 1789, nobody knew what to call her. "Lady Washington" was the go-to for most people, borrowed from British titles because, honestly, Americans were still figuring out how to act in a republic without sounding too much like the monarchy they just ditched. Martha was a pioneer in a role that had no job description, no predecessor, and absolutely no salary. She was the original influencer, but with much higher stakes and a lot more gunpowder in her past than we usually give her credit for.
Who was the first first lady of the United States and why the title is a lie
The term "First Lady" wasn't used during Martha’s lifetime. It didn't gain real traction until much later, possibly around the time of Dolley Madison or even later in the 19th century when journalists needed a shorthand for "the President’s wife." When people ask who was the first first lady of the United States, they are looking for Martha Washington, but Martha would have found the label baffling.
She was a 58-year-old woman when George took the oath. She had already survived a first husband, two of her four children (the other two would die young as well), and a literal revolution. She wasn't some porcelain doll.
Martha spent about half of the Revolutionary War at the front lines with George. Think about that. While other wealthy women stayed in their comfortable estates, she was at Valley Forge. She was organizing sewing circles for soldiers, visiting hospitals, and keeping the General’s head on straight while the Continental Army was starving.
By the time she became the inaugural "First Lady," she was tired. She actually called herself a "state prisoner" in letters to her niece, Fanny Bassett. It sounds dramatic, but she hated the rigid formality of New York and Philadelphia. She missed Mount Vernon. She missed her privacy. Yet, she showed up every Friday for her "drawing rooms," which were these semi-public receptions where she managed the delicate social politics of a brand-new nation.
The Wealth and the Widowhood
Martha Dandridge was born in 1731. She married Daniel Parke Custis when she was 18. He was significantly older and incredibly rich. When he died, she became one of the wealthiest widows in Virginia.
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She was a boss. She managed five plantations. She negotiated with London merchants. She wasn't some damsel waiting for a hero. When she married George Washington in 1759, she brought a massive amount of "dower land" and enslaved people into the marriage. This is a gritty part of the history we have to acknowledge: the Washingtons' lifestyle was entirely dependent on the labor of hundreds of enslaved individuals, including those Martha brought from the Custis estate.
One of those people was Oney Judge.
Oney was Martha’s personal maid. When the Washingtons moved to Philadelphia—a city with gradual abolition laws—they had to rotate the people they enslaved back to Virginia every six months so they wouldn't legally become free. Eventually, Oney Judge escaped. Martha was furious. She felt "betrayed." It shows the massive disconnect between the "liberty" the Washingtons fought for and the reality of the people they owned. Martha spent years trying to hunt Oney down, but Oney never came back.
Establishing the Role from Scratch
The social calendar of the first presidency was a minefield. George was obsessed with dignity. He didn't want the presidency to look weak. Martha was the secret weapon.
She hosted those Friday night parties. They were crucial. If George hosted, it was a "levee"—stiff, formal, only men. But Martha’s parties were "drawing rooms" where men and women mingled. It was the only place where political rivals could actually talk without it being an official state event. She was the original diplomat.
She set the precedent for:
- Managing the executive household budget (which was a mess).
- Handling public correspondence and "fan mail."
- Balancing private family life with public scrutiny.
- Supporting veteran affairs (she was huge on helping Revolutionary War vets).
The Lady Washington "Uniform"
Martha was shorter than George. Way shorter. He was 6'2"; she was barely five feet. But she carried herself with a presence that people noted in their diaries.
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She made a point to wear "American-made" clothing. This was a massive political statement. At a time when everyone who was "anybody" wanted silk from London or lace from Paris, the Washingtons pushed "homespun" cloth. It was a way to support American industry.
She wasn't a fashion icon in the sense of being trendy. She was a fashion icon in the sense of being purposeful.
The Misconceptions About the "First" First Lady
A lot of people think Martha lived in the White House. She didn't.
The White House wasn't finished until John Adams moved in. Martha lived in two different houses in New York City (the first capital) and then a house in Philadelphia. She was essentially a high-end nomad for eight years.
Another myth? That she was just a quiet, domestic shadow.
In reality, she was George’s most trusted advisor. Not on policy, maybe, but on people. George had a bit of a temper and could be incredibly cold. Martha softened him. She was the one who kept the "republican court" from feeling like a frozen iceberg.
And let’s talk about her hair. Those portraits of her in the "mob cap"—that ruffled lace hat? That was just the style for older women of the era. It makes her look like a grandmotherly figure, but in her younger years, she was known for being lively and a great dancer. She didn't lose that spark; she just covered it with the dignity the country demanded.
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Life After the Presidency
When George’s second term ended in 1797, Martha was arguably the happiest person in America. They went back to Mount Vernon.
But it wasn't quiet. They were basically the first American celebrities. People would just show up at their house. Total strangers. They had to feed them, house them, and entertain them. Martha complained that Mount Vernon had become a "well-resorted tavern."
When George died in 1799, she was devastated. She closed up their shared bedroom and moved to a small, cramped room on the third floor because it was the only place she could be alone. She burned almost all of their private letters.
That’s why we don't know the "real" intimate Martha as well as we know Abigail Adams. Abigail left a paper trail a mile long. Martha wanted her privacy back. She took her secrets to the grave in 1802.
Why She Still Matters Today
Martha Washington defined the "First Lady" paradox: you have to be powerful but appear humble. You have to be public but protect your family’s privacy.
Every woman who has held the title since—from Eleanor Roosevelt to modern day—has walked in the footsteps of the precedents she set in those drafty houses in New York and Philly.
She wasn't just "the wife." She was the partner who made the presidency palatable to a public that was terrified of kings.
Actionable Insights for History Buffs and Researchers
If you're digging deeper into the life of the first First Lady, don't just look at the formal portraits. Here is how to get the real story:
- Read the Oney Judge narrative. To understand the complexities of the Washington household, read Never Caught by Erica Armstrong Dunbar. It provides the essential, often-omitted perspective of the people the Washingtons enslaved.
- Visit the Virtual Mount Vernon. The archives have digitized Martha’s few remaining letters. You can see her actual handwriting and her (sometimes creative) spelling.
- Analyze the "Friday Drawing Rooms." Look at the guest lists from the 1790s. It’s a "who’s who" of the Federalist era and shows how Martha used social soft power to bridge political divides.
- Compare the "First Ladies." Look at how Martha Washington and Abigail Adams handled the transition of power. It’s the first time the role was "handed off," and it set the tone for every peaceful transition since.
Martha Washington was the first, but she was also a one-of-a-kind. She didn't have a map. She just had her own sense of duty and a very long, very complicated history with a man who would become a monument. To know her is to know the messy, human side of the American founding.