It’s a weird ritual if you really think about it. You meet a stranger, or maybe a friend of a friend, and you agree to sit across from each other at a dimly lit table to eat expensive food while auditioning for a role in each other's lives. We call it "going out." But for most of human history, this didn't exist. If you asked someone in 1850 where did dating come from, they’d look at you like you had two heads. Back then, you didn't "date." You courted. Or more accurately, your parents hovered over you while you sat in a parlor and talked about the weather.
The transition from the stiff, supervised "calling" system to the chaotic world of modern dating wasn't some romantic evolution. It was an accidental byproduct of the Industrial Revolution, the invention of the automobile, and a massive shift in who held the checkbook.
💡 You might also like: Finding the CVS at Kings Highway and Utica: What You Need to Know Before You Go
The Era of the Parlor: When Love Was a Home Game
Before the 1900s, the "calling" system ruled the roost. If a man wanted to see a woman, he didn't text her. He went to her house. He literally dropped a physical calling card into a silver tray at the front door. If the woman (or her mother) liked him, he was invited into the parlor.
This is the crucial part: the woman held all the power. The parlor was her domain. She provided the tea, she set the time, and her parents were often in the next room listening to every single word. It was safe. It was domestic. It was also incredibly boring.
Social historian Beth Bailey, in her seminal work From Front Porch to Back Seat, points out that this system was entirely about social class. You only "called" on people within your own circle. There was no "meeting someone new" at a bar because nice girls didn't go to bars. The idea of where did dating come from starts with the death of this parlor culture. As cities grew and the working class moved into cramped urban apartments, there was no parlor. There was nowhere to go.
Why the City Changed Everything
Imagine living in a 1910 tenement house with six siblings and two parents in two rooms. You aren't bringing a suitor home for tea. You’re going out.
Lower-class youth in cities like New York and Chicago were the true pioneers of dating. They took their romance to the streets. They went to dance halls, nickelodeons, and public parks. This was scandalous at the time. To the upper classes, a woman "going out" with a man and letting him pay for her entertainment looked uncomfortably like "charity girls" or even prostitution.
👉 See also: What Does Pluma Mean in Spanish? It’s Way More Than Just a Feather
The terminology actually reflects this. In the early 20th century, "dating" was slang used by the urban poor. It meant a specific "date" or appointment on a calendar. It was transactional. Because women in these urban environments earned significantly less than men, they couldn't afford the dance hall tickets or the treats. The man paid. This shifted the power dynamic entirely. Suddenly, the man was the host, and the date was on his turf.
The Car: A Bedroom on Wheels
If the city provided the venue, the Ford Model T provided the privacy. It's impossible to overstate how much the car changed everything. Before the car, if you were "out," you were in public. You were at a theater or a restaurant.
Then came the "closed" car.
By the 1920s, the automobile became a mobile parlor—one that could be driven miles away from the prying eyes of parents. This is where the concept of the "back seat" entered the American lexicon. Authorities were terrified. Juvenile court judges in the 1920s labeled the car a "house of prostitution on wheels."
But the kids loved it.
The car allowed for "rating and dating." This was a specific social phenomenon on college campuses in the 1920s and 30s. It wasn't about finding "The One." It was a competition. You wanted to be seen with the most popular person at the best dance club. Success was measured by how many dates you could rack up. It was the original version of a high follower count on Instagram.
The Post-War Pivot and "Going Steady"
Everything changed again after World War II. The 1940s and 50s introduced a concept that would have baffled the "rating and dating" crowd: going steady.
Why the shift?
War creates a desire for security. When the GIs came home, they didn't want the frenetic competition of the 20s. They wanted stability. "Going steady" meant you wore a guy's letterman jacket or a ring on a chain. It was a pre-engagement. It was a way to opt-out of the exhausting dating market.
This era also solidified the "Dating Rules" we still struggle with today. The man calls. The man drives. The man pays. The woman decides how much physical intimacy is "appropriate." It was a rigid script. It was also the first time dating became a billion-dollar industry. Flowers, movie tickets, diners, and soda shops all flourished because "the date" had become the standard unit of American social life.
The Sexual Revolution and the Death of the Script
By the 1960s and 70s, the script started to tear. The birth control pill changed the stakes. If the risk of pregnancy was lower, the need for the protective "dating" ritual felt less urgent.
We moved into the era of "hooking up" and "hanging out."
The 1980s and 90s saw the rise of the "dinner date" as a formal, almost retro event, while most people were actually meeting at work or through friends at bars. Then, the internet arrived.
The Digital Shift
Match.com launched in 1995. It was for "lonely hearts" and tech geeks. It had a massive stigma. People lied about meeting online. They’d make up stories about meeting at the grocery store.
Then Tinder launched in 2012.
The "swipe" turned dating back into the 1920s "rating" game, but on steroids. It removed the barrier of social circles. You no longer needed a "parlor" or a mutual friend. You just needed a smartphone.
What We Get Wrong About the History of Dating
Most people think dating is a natural, ancient human behavior. It isn't. It’s a very recent invention, barely 120 years old.
- It was never about love. Originally, it was about economics and social status.
- The "Man Pays" rule isn't chivalry. It started because women were barred from high-paying jobs and literally couldn't afford to go to the places where dating happened.
- Privacy is new. For 99% of human history, someone was always watching. The idea of two people being alone together before marriage is a modern luxury (or curse).
Where We Are Now: The Paradox of Choice
Today, we are living in the fallout of the dating evolution. We have more access to potential partners than any human in history, yet survey data from the Pew Research Center suggests that nearly half of single Americans find dating has become harder in the last decade.
We’ve moved from "calling" (zero choice) to "rating and dating" (some choice) to "Tinder" (infinite choice). Psychologists call this the "Paradox of Choice." When you have 500 options in your pocket, you’re less likely to be satisfied with the one sitting across from you at dinner.
Making Sense of Your Own Dating Life
If you’re frustrated with the current state of things, it helps to realize that the system you’re using wasn't designed for your happiness. It was designed by a mix of urban sprawl, car manufacturers, and app developers.
How to navigate it better:
- Acknowledge the script. If you're stressed about who pays or who texts first, remember these "rules" were made up by 1920s teenagers and 1950s marketers. You can discard them.
- Limit the "Search." Historical data shows that people were often happier with "limited" pools. Try focusing on one person at a time rather than keeping your apps active while on a date.
- Move offline quickly. The "parlor" era had one thing right: face-to-face interaction is the only way to judge chemistry. Long periods of texting create a "false" intimacy that usually crashes upon meeting.
- Understand the "Why." Are you dating for status (like the 1920s), security (like the 1950s), or genuine connection? Being honest about your era-driven impulses can clear up a lot of confusion.
Dating isn't a permanent fixture of human life. It’s an evolving experiment. We’re still figuring out how to handle the freedom that the death of the parlor gave us. Honestly, we’re all just winging it, just like the kids in the back of those Model Ts a century ago.