It starts with a text. Maybe a coffee. Usually, it's just a feeling of being seen for the first time in years. You didn’t go looking for it, but now you’re here, staring at your ceiling at 2:00 AM, realizing you are deeply in love with the other man. It’s messy. It’s terrifying. Honestly, it’s a lot more common than people like to admit in polite conversation.
The weight of this is heavy. You feel like a "bad" person, or maybe you feel like you've finally woken up from a long sleep. Both can be true at the same time. This isn't just a plot point in a Netflix drama; it’s a psychological crossroads that thousands of people navigate every single day.
The Biology of the "New" Connection
Why does it feel so much more intense than what you have at home? Science has a pretty blunt answer for that. When you're falling for someone new while in a long-term relationship, your brain is basically a pharmacy running a clearance sale.
Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades studying the brain in love, points out that "romantic love" is actually a drive. It's like hunger or thirst. When you're in love with the other man, your brain is flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals create that focused attention and "shaking in your boots" energy.
Your long-term partner? They represent oxytocin—the "cuddle hormone." It’s stable. It’s calm. But it doesn't stand a chance against a fresh dopamine spike in a head-to-head fight.
It isn't always about the sex
People think affairs are about physical cravings. Sometimes, sure. But more often, it’s about "emotional mirroring." You find someone who reflects a version of yourself that you actually like. If your spouse sees you as the person who forgets to take out the trash, but the other man sees you as a brilliant, funny, and spontaneous adventurer, who are you going to want to spend your time with?
The "Liminal Space" of an Affair
There’s a term in psychology called limerence. Coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, it describes that state of total obsession. If you’re in this right now, you aren't thinking clearly. You can’t. Your prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that handles logic and consequences—has basically gone on vacation.
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You’re living in a bubble.
This bubble is artificial. You aren't arguing about the mortgage with the other man. He hasn't seen you with the flu. You haven't had to negotiate whose parents you’re visiting for Christmas. It’s easy to be in love with a version of a person that exists outside of the "real world" grind.
Breaking the "Soulmate" Myth
One of the biggest traps is thinking this new person is your "one true soulmate" simply because it feels so easy. It feels easy because there are no stakes yet. In a study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, researchers found that relationships that start as affairs often struggle with trust issues later on. Why? Because both people know the other is capable of stepping outside a commitment. It’s a hard shadow to outrun.
Why Does This Happen in "Good" Marriages?
This is the part that confuses everyone. You’ll hear people say, "If you were happy, you wouldn't have looked elsewhere."
That’s a lie.
Esther Perel, arguably the most famous relationship therapist working today, argues in her book The State of Affairs that even happy people stray. Sometimes, an affair isn't a turning away from a partner, but a turning away from the person you have become within that partnership. You aren't looking for another person; you’re looking for a new version of yourself.
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- You might miss your youth.
- You might miss feeling desired.
- You might miss having a life that isn't defined by caretaking.
The Reality Check: What Happens Next?
Being in love with the other man usually leads to a three-way fork in the road. None of them are easy.
- The Exit: You leave your current relationship to pursue the new one. Statistics from the American Psychological Association suggest these "transitional" relationships have a high failure rate, but for some, it really is the catalyst they needed to leave a dead marriage.
- The Recommitment: You cut ties with the other man and try to fix your original relationship. This requires "radical honesty" and usually a very good therapist. It's grueling.
- The Limbo: You stay in both. This is where the most psychological damage happens. The stress of leading a double life spikes cortisol levels, which can lead to actual physical health problems like insomnia, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system.
The Problem with Comparisons
It’s unfair to compare a 10-year marriage to a 3-month affair. It’s like comparing a sturdy minivan to a shiny jet ski. One gets you where you need to go and keeps you safe; the other is a thrill ride. You can't live on a jet ski.
How to Get Your Head Above Water
If you feel like you're drowning in these emotions, you need to ground yourself in reality.
First, look at the "other man" without the lens of romance. If he is also in a relationship, he is currently lying to someone he once promised to love. That’s a data point. If he’s single, he’s accepting a secondary role in your life. That’s another data point.
Second, acknowledge the "Idealization Phase." You are currently seeing his highlights reel. You haven't seen his "deleted scenes"—his bad habits, his temper, or his financial messy spots.
Questions You Have to Ask Yourself
Don't just feel. Think.
Is it him? Or is it the way he makes you feel?
If you weren't with your current partner, would you still want this man, or would you just want to be free?
Are you prepared for the "fallout" period? This includes family, friends, and potentially your living situation.
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Moving Toward Clarity
The fog eventually lifts. It always does. Whether it's in three months or three years, the dopamine will eventually level off. When that happens, you’ll be left with the choices you made while you were "high" on the new connection.
Actionable Steps for the "Right Now"
Go "Dark" for 48 Hours
Stop the texting. Stop the "checking in." You need to see if you can breathe without the constant hit of validation. It’s like a detox. You’ll feel anxious. That’s the withdrawal. Observe it.
Write the "Ugly" List
We always write about the "Pros" of a new lover. Write the "Cons" of the situation. Not of him, but of the situation. List the lies you’ve told. List the moments of guilt. Look at the paper. It makes the abstract reality concrete.
Consult a Professional (Individually)
Do not go to marriage counseling yet if you are still deep in the affair. You need individual therapy to figure out your own "why." You need a space where you won't be judged but will be challenged. Look for therapists who specialize in "Discernment Counseling."
Evaluate Your Primary Relationship Separately
Try to look at your partner or spouse as if the other man didn't exist. If the other man disappeared tomorrow, would you still want to leave? If the answer is yes, then your problem isn't "the other man"—it’s the marriage. If the answer is no, then the other man is a distraction from issues you haven't faced at home.
Deciding what to do when you’re in love with the other man is one of the most taxing emotional experiences a person can go through. There is no "win-win" here. There is only truth and the consequences that follow it. Whatever you choose, ensure it's based on who you want to be in five years, not just who you want to be with tonight.