You know the feeling. You’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, or maybe months, and things are finally clicking. You share a great dinner, have a deep conversation about your childhoods, and leave feeling like you’ve really "arrived." Then? Total radio silence. Or maybe they just start acting weirdly busy. Suddenly, they’re working late every night, or they’re "just not really a big texter," even though they were blowing up your phone five days ago. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. It’s the classic hallmark of what’s an avoidant person.
Attachment theory isn't just some buzzword found on TikTok; it’s a framework originally developed by British psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. At its core, being avoidant isn't about being "mean" or "cold." It’s a defense mechanism. It's a way the brain protects itself from the perceived danger of intimacy. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, getting close to you feels like losing themselves.
The Biology of the "I Don't Need Anyone" Mindset
If you look at the research, particularly the work of Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book Attached, you’ll find that humans have a biological need for connection. But for an avoidant person, that "attachment system" is essentially malfunctioning. They have what experts call "deactivating strategies."
Think of it like a thermostat. When things get too "warm" (too intimate), the avoidant person’s internal cooling system kicks in to bring the temperature back down to a safe, isolated level.
They might focus on your flaws. Suddenly, the way you chew or your choice of shoes becomes a dealbreaker. They might pine for an "ex" who is conveniently unavailable, or fantasize about a "perfect partner" who doesn't exist. These aren't just quirks; they are tools used to create distance. They are subconsciously making sure you stay at arm's length so they don't get hurt.
It’s actually kinda tragic. Underneath that "I'm fiercely independent" exterior is usually a person who was taught, likely in infancy or early childhood, that their needs wouldn't be met by their caregivers. If crying doesn't get you comfort, you stop crying. You learn to do it all yourself. You become a self-contained island.
Identifying the Signs: What’s an Avoidant Person Really Like?
It isn't always obvious at first. In fact, many avoidant people are incredibly charming and "high value" early on. They’re independent, successful, and seem to have it all figured out. But as soon as the relationship moves from "casual fun" to "emotional commitment," the vibe shifts.
📖 Related: Kiko Japanese Restaurant Plantation: Why This Local Spot Still Wins the Sushi Game
- The "Need for Space" is Non-Negotiable. While everyone needs alone time, for an avoidant person, it's a frantic necessity. They might disappear for days after a particularly vulnerable moment.
- They Keep Secrets (Small Ones). They might not tell you they're going out with friends or that they got a promotion. Not to be malicious, but because sharing information feels like giving up power.
- Vague Future Plans. Try asking where this is going. You’ll probably get a response like, "I'm just living in the moment" or "Let's not ruin what we have by overthinking it."
- Physical Pull-Back. They might stop holding your hand in public or roll over immediately after sex. Physical intimacy without emotional intimacy is their "safe zone."
Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinician who specializes in a psychobiological approach to couple therapy (PACT), often refers to these individuals as "islands." They are self-soothing. They don't look to their partners to help them regulate their emotions because they don't trust that their partner is capable or willing to do so. It’s a lonely way to live, honestly.
The Dismissive vs. Fearful Distinction
We should get specific here. Not all avoidants are created equal.
Most people talking about what’s an avoidant person are referring to the Dismissive-Avoidant. These are the folks who truly believe they don't need anyone. They pride themselves on their independence and see others as "clingy" or "needy." If you cry, they might get annoyed rather than sympathetic. They see emotions as a weakness to be managed.
Then there’s the Fearful-Avoidant (also known as Disorganized). This is a tougher spot to be in. These people actually want closeness, but they are absolutely terrified of it. They tend to have a history of trauma. They go through cycles of being very "anxious" and chasing you, then suddenly becoming "avoidant" and running away when you actually respond. It’s a "come here, now go away" dynamic that can leave a partner feeling completely dizzy.
Why Do They Do It? (It’s Not About You)
If you're dating someone like this, you've probably spent hours wondering what you did wrong. Did you talk too much? Were you too available?
Stop.
👉 See also: Green Emerald Day Massage: Why Your Body Actually Needs This Specific Therapy
It’s almost never about the partner. An avoidant person’s reaction is a response to the closeness, not the person. In fact, the better the partner is, the more likely the avoidant person is to freak out. If you’re a "great catch" who is kind, stable, and loving, you are a "threat" to their independence. You’re someone they could actually get attached to, which—to their subconscious—is the most dangerous thing in the world.
There's a concept called the "Insecure Attachment Loop." An anxious person (who craves closeness) and an avoidant person (who fears it) often find each other. It’s a magnetic, toxic attraction. The anxious person chases, which makes the avoidant person run. The more the avoidant runs, the more the anxious person panics and chases harder. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy of misery.
Can an Avoidant Person Change?
Yes. But it’s hard.
It requires a massive amount of self-awareness. Most avoidant people don't think they have a problem; they think everyone else is just too sensitive. Change usually only happens when they hit "rock bottom"—maybe they lose a partner they actually cared about, or they realize they’re 40 and have never had a relationship last longer than six months.
Therapy is usually the only way out. Specifically, therapies that focus on the body and the nervous system, like Somatic Experiencing or even traditional CBT, can help them recognize when their "threat response" is being triggered by intimacy. They have to learn to "lean in" when every fiber of their being is telling them to bolt for the exit.
Navigating a Relationship with Someone Avoidant
If you’re currently in the thick of it, you have to be realistic. You cannot "love" someone out of an attachment style. You can’t be so perfect that they finally feel safe.
✨ Don't miss: The Recipe Marble Pound Cake Secrets Professional Bakers Don't Usually Share
If you want to make it work, you have to be the most secure version of yourself. This means:
- Setting Firm Boundaries. Don't chase. If they pull away, let them. Go live your life. If they see that you aren't going to fall apart without them, they might feel safe enough to come back.
- Direct Communication. Instead of saying "You always ignore me," try "I feel disconnected when we don't talk for a few days. I'd love to check in tonight."
- Recognizing the "Deactivating" Signs. When they start picking fights over nothing, realize it’s their brain trying to create space. Don't take the bait.
- Knowing When to Walk. If you need emotional depth and they are unwilling to even acknowledge the word "feelings," you might be fundamentally incompatible.
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If you suspect you are the avoidant one, or you're tired of the cycle, here is how to actually start shifting the needle.
If you are the avoidant person:
- Stop labeling people as "needy." Realize that having emotional needs is a standard human trait, not a flaw.
- Identify your deactivating strategies. Make a list of things you do to distance yourself (ghosting, focusing on flaws, staying late at work). When you catch yourself doing them, stop. Just for ten minutes. Sit with the discomfort.
- Try "Micro-Sharing." You don't have to pour your heart out. Start by sharing one small thing that happened today that made you feel frustrated or happy. Practice being "known."
If you are dating an avoidant person:
- Read Attached by Levine and Heller. It is the gold standard for understanding this dynamic.
- Stop the "Pursuit-Withdrawal" dance. The moment you feel the urge to text five times because they haven't replied, put your phone in a drawer and go for a walk.
- Evaluate your own attachment style. Often, people who are drawn to avoidants have an anxious attachment style. Fixing your own "hunger" for validation can often change the dynamic of the relationship more than trying to fix them.
Understanding what’s an avoidant person isn't about finding an excuse for bad behavior. It’s about understanding the "why" so you can make informed decisions about your own heart. Some people are just "islands," and unless they decide to build a bridge, you’re going to spend a lot of time drowning in the harbor trying to reach them.
Focus on building your own security. Whether that's with them or someone who is ready to meet you halfway, you deserve a connection that doesn't feel like a constant game of hide-and-seek.