Finding the right words when a friend’s marriage collapses is a special kind of torture. You want to be supportive, but you’re terrified of saying the thing that makes them burst into tears in the middle of a crowded Starbucks. Or worse, you say something that sounds like a Hallmark card written by a robot. Knowing what to say to someone getting a divorce isn't about having a script; it’s about navigating a landmine of ego, grief, and legal stress without accidentally stepping on a detonator.
Divorce is rarely just one thing. It's a death of a future. It’s a logistics nightmare involving spreadsheets and lawyers. Sometimes it’s a massive relief.
The biggest mistake people make? Assuming they know how the person feels. You don't. Even if you’ve been divorced twice, their experience is a unique brand of chaos. Your job isn't to fix it or offer a "everything happens for a reason" platitude that makes them want to throw a heavy object at your head. It's about being a steady presence while their world is shaking.
Stop Trying to Be a Cheerleader
Most people default to "You're better off!" or "I never liked them anyway!"
Stop. Just stop.
Even if their ex was a total nightmare, your friend once loved that person. They shared a bed, a bank account, and maybe kids with them. When you trash the ex, you’re indirectly criticizing your friend’s judgment for staying as long as they did. It creates a weird tension. Instead of feeling supported, they feel defensive.
Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that the "social erosion" that happens during a split—where friends take sides or offer unsolicited advice—can actually worsen the psychological toll of the divorce. You want to be the person who offers a safe harbor, not a courtroom testimony.
Try something like, "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for whatever you need, whether that's venting or just sitting in silence." It’s simple. It’s honest. It doesn't require them to put on a brave face.
The "I'm Sorry" Debate
Is it okay to say "I'm sorry"?
Usually, yes. But pay attention to the vibe. If they’re popping champagne and throwing a "Divorce Party," an "I'm sorry" feels out of sync. In those cases, "I’m glad you’re doing what’s right for you" works better. But for the vast majority of people, divorce is a loss. Even a necessary divorce is a loss of the life they thought they were building.
The Logistics of Listening
Sometimes the best thing you can say isn't a sentence—it's a question. A specific one.
"How can I help?" is a garbage question. It puts the burden on the grieving person to come up with a task for you. They’re already overwhelmed by decisions. Don't give them one more.
Instead, try these:
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- "I'm going to the grocery store, what can I drop off on your porch?"
- "Do you want me to take the kids to the park on Saturday so you can have the house to yourself?"
- "I’ve got an extra seat at dinner tonight, no pressure to talk, but you’re welcome."
Specific offers of help take the mental load off. They don't have to "manage" your kindness. They just have to say yes or no.
When They Start Ranting
You’re going to hear the same stories. Over and over. The one about the hidden credit card. The one about the mother-in-law. The one about the "final straw" at the grocery store.
Listening is an endurance sport here. They are processing the narrative. They are trying to make sense of a story that no longer has a happy ending. You don't need to provide a solution. You just need to validate that what they’re feeling is real.
"That sounds incredibly draining" is a powerhouse phrase.
It acknowledges the struggle without trying to fix it. Because you can't fix a legal proceeding. You can't fix a broken heart. You can only acknowledge that the situation sucks.
Navigating the "What to Say to Someone Getting a Divorce" Minefield
There are some phrases that should be banned from the English language during a legal separation.
"At least you don't have kids."
This is meant to be a silver lining. To the person getting divorced, it sounds like you’re saying their pain isn't "real" enough because it’s not complicated by custody battles. Pain isn't a competition.
"Did you try marriage counseling?"
Yes. They probably did. Or they didn't, and they feel guilty about it. Either way, asking this after the decision has been made is just rubbing salt in the wound. It implies there was a "cure" they missed.
"I saw your ex on Instagram..."
No. Just no. Unless the ex is currently committing a crime that requires immediate police intervention, keep your social media sleuthing to yourself. Information is a weapon during a divorce, and your friend probably doesn't need any more ammunition to hurt themselves with.
The Power of "I Don't Know What to Say"
If you’re really stuck, just say that.
"I honestly don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care about you."
That is infinitely more human than a rehearsed line. It shows you’re present and that you recognize the gravity of the situation. It’s vulnerable. It gives them permission to be messy and unsure too.
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Understanding the Stages of Legal Grief
Divorce isn't an event; it's a season. A long, annoying, expensive season.
Early on, they might be in shock. Later, they might be furious. Then comes the "legal fatigue" where they just want it all to be over and might be tempted to sign away everything just to stop the emails from the lawyers.
Your support needs to shift.
In the beginning, they need meals and distractions.
In the middle, they need someone to remind them of who they are outside of "the person getting divorced."
Toward the end, they need someone to help them envision a future that doesn't look like a total disaster.
Keep the Invitations Coming
The biggest fear people have during a divorce—aside from the financial stuff—is social isolation. They’re "the single one" now. They worry they’re a "downer." They worry that their couple-friends will choose the ex in the "divorce playoffs."
Keep inviting them. Even if they say no ten times in a row. The invitation itself is a message: You still belong here. ## Real Examples of Phrases That Actually Help
Let's look at some specific scenarios. Divorce isn't a monolith.
If it was an unwanted split:
"I’m so incredibly sorry. This is so much to handle at once. I’m in your corner."
If they initiated it and feel guilty:
"It takes a lot of courage to make a change like this. I’m here to support you through the transition."
If there are kids involved:
"I know you’re focused on the kids right now, but how are you doing? Truly?"
When they’re overwhelmed by the process:
"The paperwork part is a nightmare. Do you want to come over and just watch a movie so you don't have to think about it for two hours?"
The Long Game
People are great at showing up in the first two weeks. They send flowers. They send texts.
Then life goes on for everyone else.
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But for the person getting divorced, the process might take a year. Or two. The six-month mark is often when the "real" loneliness sets in. The novelty of the change has worn off, and the reality of the empty house becomes the new normal.
Be the person who checks in at month seven.
"Hey, thinking of you. No need to reply, just wanted to send some love."
That "no need to reply" is a gift. It removes the social obligation while providing the emotional hit of being seen.
Actionable Steps for the Supportive Friend
If you want to be the person they actually want to call at 2:00 AM, follow these ground rules.
First, check your own curiosity. Don't ask for "the tea." If they want to tell you why it ended, they will. If you start digging for details, you’re treating their tragedy like entertainment. That’s a fast way to lose a friend.
Second, handle the "Ex factor" with grace. If you run into the ex, you don't have to be a jerk, but you don't have to be best friends either. A polite nod is fine. Your loyalty should be clear without being performative.
Third, be the "Normalcy" anchor. Talk about other things. Talk about the new show you’re watching, or the weird thing that happened at work. Give them a break from being "The Divorced Person." They need to remember that the rest of the world is still turning and that they will eventually be a part of it again.
Fourth, watch for the "Comparison Trap."
Avoid saying, "I know how you feel because when I broke up with my boyfriend in college..."
A divorce involving a mortgage and a decade of shared history is not the same as a six-month dating relationship ending. Even if you mean well, the comparison can feel minimizing.
Fifth, offer to be the "Safe Secretary."
If there’s a group of mutual friends, offer to be the one who shares the basic news (with your friend’s permission) so they don't have to explain the situation twenty times. "Hey, just so you know, Sarah and Mike are splitting up. She’s not really up for talking about details yet, but keep her in your thoughts."
This protects your friend from the repetitive trauma of "announcing" their failure over and over.
Divorce is a marathon of paperwork and emotional exhaustion. Knowing what to say to someone getting a divorce ultimately boils down to one thing: being the person who doesn't leave when things get messy. You don't need a degree in psychology. You just need to be able to sit in the discomfort with them and wait for the sun to come back out.
Immediate Next Steps for Support
- Send a "Low-Pressure" Text: Reach out today with a message that doesn't require an answer. Something like, "No need to reply, but I'm thinking of you and I've got your back."
- Identify a Concrete Task: Look at your calendar and find a specific window where you can offer a specific service—babysitting, bringing dinner, or helping with a mundane chore like yard work.
- Audit Your Language: Check yourself before your next hang-out. Remove any "At least..." phrases or "Why didn't you..." questions from your vocabulary.
- Set a "Check-In" Reminder: Put a recurring alert on your phone for three months from now. That is when the initial support usually fades and they will need you the most.