Pregnancy is weirdly public. People see a bump and suddenly feel like they have a backstage pass to someone’s life, their medical history, and their future parenting choices. Honestly, it’s a lot. Most of us mean well, but we end up saying things that are accidentally nosy, mildly terrifying, or just plain rude. Knowing what to say to a pregnant woman isn't about following a script. It’s about reading the room and remembering that there is a whole person behind that belly.
I’ve seen this go sideways so many times. A friend of mine was once told she looked "ready to pop" when she was only six months along. She cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes. People forget that hormones are real, but even without the hormones, nobody wants to be compared to a ticking time bomb.
The stuff that actually lands well
Focus on her, not just the baby. It sounds simple, but it’s rarely done. Everyone asks about the nursery colors or the name, but few people ask, "How are you holding up today?"
Try saying something like, "You look like you're handling this so well." It’s a classic for a reason. It acknowledges the work she’s putting in. Pregnancy is basically running a marathon for nine months while sitting still. According to a 2019 study by Duke University researchers published in Science Advances, the metabolic limit of human endurance is actually reached during pregnancy. Think about that. She’s literally pushing the limits of what a human body can do. Tell her she's doing a great job.
If you want to be a hero, offer specific help. Don't say, "Let me know if you need anything." That’s just another task on her to-do list. Instead, try "I’m going to the store, can I drop off some seltzer or snacks?" Or even better: "I’d love to bring you dinner on Tuesday. Does tacos or pasta sound better?" Taking the cognitive load off her shoulders is the best gift you can give.
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Why "You look great" is a gamble
You’d think "You look so tiny!" is a compliment. It isn't. For a woman worried about fetal growth or struggling with morning sickness, being told she looks small can trigger a spiral of anxiety. On the flip side, telling someone they look "huge" or "healthy" (which everyone knows is code for big) is a one-way ticket to making her feel like a literal house.
Keep it simple. "It’s so good to see you" works every time. "You have such a beautiful glow" is a bit of a cliché, but it’s safe. It’s hard to be offended by being told you’re glowing, even if you secretly feel like you’re melting.
The "Danger Zone": What to avoid at all costs
We need to talk about horror stories. For some reason, as soon as someone sees a pregnant person, they feel the need to recount every traumatic birth story they’ve ever heard. Stop doing that. Seriously. She’s already aware of the risks. She has a doctor. She has Google. She does not need to hear about your cousin’s 72-hour labor that ended in an emergency situation.
- Don't ask if it was planned. It’s none of your business.
- Don't comment on her food or caffeine. She knows the rules.
- Don't touch the belly. Just don't. Unless she literally grabs your hand and puts it there, keep your hands to yourself. Personal space doesn't disappear just because there's a baby in the mix.
Mayo Clinic experts often point out that the stress of unsolicited advice can actually be more taxing than the physical symptoms of pregnancy. When you're wondering what to say to a pregnant woman, keep your "advice" in your pocket unless she asks for it. Even if you’ve had five kids, her experience is unique to her body and her baby.
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The "Just Wait" trap
"Just wait until you never sleep again!"
"Just wait until the "terrible twos!"
This is the absolute worst thing you can say. It’s negative, it’s unhelpful, and it robs her of the excitement she’s trying to feel. She knows she’s going to be tired. She’s probably tired right now. Instead of "just wait," try "I can't wait to see you as a mom." It shifts the focus from the struggle to the relationship.
Dealing with the workplace dynamic
If you're a colleague, the rules change slightly. You want to be supportive without making her feel like she’s suddenly incompetent. Don’t start taking projects off her plate without asking. It can feel like she’s being sidelined.
Instead, say: "We're so excited for you. We’ve got your back on the transition plan whenever you’re ready to talk about it." This shows support without making her feel like she’s already gone. It respects her professional identity.
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When things are complicated
Not every pregnancy is a happy-go-lucky journey. Many women are "pregnant after loss" or dealing with high-risk complications. If you know she’s had a hard road to get here, your words carry more weight.
"I’m so happy for you" might feel too heavy if she’s still scared of something going wrong. Try: "I'm thinking of you and the baby today." It acknowledges the situation without forcing her to perform "happiness" if she’s actually feeling anxious. Acknowledging the bravery it takes to be pregnant after a loss is a powerful way to show you care.
Practical ways to be a better friend
The best things to say are often followed by the best things to do. If you're close to her, your conversation should be a bridge to support.
- Ask about the non-baby stuff. Talk about the movie you saw, the work drama, or the news. She’s still the same person she was before she got pregnant. She probably misses being talked to like a normal human being.
- Validate the struggle. If she says she’s tired, don't say "me too." Say, "I can only imagine. Do you want to sit down or grab a seat over here?"
- Keep it positive. If you don't have something encouraging to say, just stick to "I'm so glad I ran into you."
Ultimately, she’s navigating a massive life transition. The physical changes are just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a psychological shift happening too—something psychologists call "matrescence." It’s as big a deal as adolescence, but we don't talk about it nearly as much.
Summary of actionable steps
If you're feeling unsure, stick to these three pillars:
- Acknowledge her as an individual. Ask how she is feeling, what she is reading, or how her work is going. Don't let the baby eclipse her entire personality.
- Offer specific, low-pressure help. "I'm bringing over soup" is better than "Let me know what you need."
- Filter your stories. If a story ends with a medical emergency or a "just you wait" warning, keep it to yourself.
The next time you see a pregnant friend or colleague, take a breath. Avoid the temptation to comment on her size or share a scary anecdote. Simply telling her she’s doing a great job is often the exact thing she needs to hear. Focus on being a calm, supportive presence in what can often feel like a very loud and opinionated world. This approach builds stronger friendships and ensures she feels seen for who she is, not just for the life she's carrying.