Panic is usually the first thing that hits. When someone you care about—or even a total stranger—looks you in the eye and admits they don't want to be here anymore, your internal alarm system goes off. It's loud. You want to fix it. You want to give them ten reasons why life is beautiful or tell them about that one time you felt sad but got over it.
Don't.
Honestly, the most important thing to understand about what to say to a person who is suicidal is that your job isn't to be a therapist or a magician. You're a bridge. You are the connection between their current isolation and the professional help that can keep them safe. It’s heavy, but you can do it.
The Myth of the "Perfect" Sentence
We often obsess over finding the magic combination of words that will suddenly make the person realize they want to live. That's not how the human brain works during a crisis. According to Dr. Thomas Joiner, a leading suicidologist and author of Why People Die by Suicide, the state of mind that leads to a transition from ideation to action often involves a sense of "thwarted belongingness" and "perceived burdensomeness." Basically, they feel like they don't fit and that everyone would be better off if they were gone.
Your words need to dismantle those two specific lies.
If you're wondering what to say to a person who is suicidal, start with the truth: "I’m glad you told me. I’m staying right here with you." It’s simple. It's not flashy. But it directly attacks the feeling of being a burden. You’re choosing to stay.
Ask the Question Directly (Yes, Really)
There is a persistent, dangerous myth that if you ask someone "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" you will "put the idea in their head." This is factually incorrect. Research, including studies cited by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), shows that asking directly actually reduces anxiety and can lower the risk of an attempt.
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It provides an opening. It’s like popping a high-pressure valve.
How to phrase it without being weird
You don't have to be clinical. You can say, "You've been going through so much lately, and I’ve noticed you’re talking a lot about things being hopeless. Are you thinking about suicide?"
Avoid euphemisms. Don't ask if they are going to "do something silly" or "hurt themselves." Self-harm and suicide are different things. Be clear. If the answer is yes, the next step isn't to gasp. It’s to ask: "Do you have a plan?" This sounds invasive, but it’s the most critical data point you can get. A person with a plan and access to means is in immediate danger. That’s a 911 or a 988 call (in the US).
Why "Look on the Bright Side" Fails
We’ve all been there. We want to point out the sunset, the kids, the upcoming vacation, or the fact that they have a "great life" on paper. When someone is in a suicidal crisis, their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for logic and long-term planning—is essentially offline. They are operating out of the amygdala. They are in survival mode.
Telling someone in a crisis to "think of their family" often backfires because of that "burdensomeness" factor we talked about. They already think they are failing their family. Reminding them of their responsibilities just adds to the weight.
Instead of trying to pivot to the positive, try validating the pain. "It sounds like you're in an incredible amount of pain, and I can't imagine how exhausting that is."
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Validation isn't agreement. You aren't agreeing that they should die; you're agreeing that it hurts. When people feel heard, the intensity of the emotion often peaks and then starts to slowly ebb. You’re just trying to get them through the next ten minutes. Then the ten minutes after that.
Listening is 90% of the Conversation
Most people talk too much. We talk because we’re uncomfortable. Silence feels like a vacuum that needs to be filled with advice. But when you’re figuring out what to say to a person who is suicidal, the "saying" part is actually the smallest piece of the puzzle.
Sit with them.
Let there be long pauses.
Let them cry.
If they say something terrifying, like "I’ve already bought the pills," stay calm. Your calm is their anchor. You can respond with, "I hear you, and I'm so sorry it's gotten this dark. Let's look at what we can do to keep you safe right now."
The "Safety Planning" Approach
In the world of clinical psychology, experts like Dr. Barbara Stanley and Dr. Gregory Brown developed the "Safety Planning Intervention." It's a brief, evidence-based way to help someone stay safe until the crisis passes. You can do a "lite" version of this in conversation.
- Identify triggers: "What started making things feel this heavy today?"
- Internal coping: "What’s one thing you’ve done before that distracted you for even five minutes? Even if it's just watching a specific YouTube channel?"
- Social distraction: "Is there a place we can go where there are people, like a coffee shop, just so you're not alone in your head?"
- Professional help: "Let's call the lifeline together. I’ll stay on the line with you."
The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline isn't just for the person in crisis. You can call it too. You can tell the operator, "I'm with a friend who is suicidal, and I'm not sure what to do." They will talk you through it. You don't have to be a hero on your own.
Watch Out for These "Red Flag" Phrases
Sometimes our best intentions lead us into phrases that shut down communication.
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- "You have so much to live for." (Translates to: You're being ungrateful.)
- "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." (Translates to: I’m using a cliché because I don't want to hear about your specific pain.)
- "I know exactly how you feel." (No, you don't. Even if you've been suicidal, your experience is yours. Theirs is theirs.)
- "Promise me you won't do anything." (This puts the burden of your anxiety on them. It makes them lie to you so you'll feel better.)
Instead, try: "I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I'm here to listen to whatever you want to share."
What to Do When the Conversation Ends
Once the immediate crisis has been de-escalated—maybe they've agreed to go to the ER, or they've called a doctor, or they've handed over the means of self-harm—the work isn't done. The "aftercare" of a conversation about suicide is vital.
People often feel a "vulnerability hangover." They might feel embarrassed or ashamed for what they shared.
Follow up. Send a text the next morning. "Hey, just thinking about you. No need to reply, just wanted you to know I’m around." This reinforces that belongingness. It proves you didn't run away when things got ugly.
Actionable Steps for the Next 24 Hours
If you are currently with someone or just finished a conversation with someone who is struggling, here is the immediate checklist. No fluff.
- Remove the Means: If they mentioned a specific method (medication, firearms, etc.), ask if you can hold onto them or if a family member can. Reducing access to lethal means is the #1 most effective way to prevent suicide.
- Establish a "Warm Handoff": Don't just give them a phone number. Help them make the call. Or, if they refuse, ask: "Who is one person you feel safe with that we can call right now?"
- Take Care of Your Own Brain: Supporting someone in this state is secondary trauma. You will feel drained, shaky, or even angry. Talk to someone yourself.
- Save the Numbers: Put 988 (in the US/Canada) or your local equivalent in your phone contacts right now. You don’t want to be Googling it in a panic later.
- Keep it Low Pressure: If you're staying with them, don't force them to talk about their feelings for six hours. Watch a movie. Play a card game. Just being physically present is often the loudest thing you can "say."
Real connection isn't about having the right script. It’s about the willingness to sit in the dark with someone until they can find the flashlight. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, and it’s one of the most human things you will ever do. Be patient with them, and be patient with yourself. You're doing enough just by being there.