It’s a phrase that feels like a weight in your stomach. I became friends with school shooter. People usually react with immediate horror or intense curiosity when they hear a story like that. They want to know if there were signs. They want to know if the person was "evil" from the start. But the reality is rarely a movie script. It’s usually a series of quiet, awkward, and deeply uncomfortable moments in a high school hallway that nobody else noticed.
Most people think of school shooters as monsters who appear out of thin air. They aren't. They are classmates. They sit in the back of biology. They eat lunch alone near the vending machines. When someone says, "I became friends with school shooter," they are often describing a complex relationship that existed long before a tragedy—or, in many hopeful cases, a relationship that actually prevented one.
We need to talk about the radical empathy required to look at a social outcast and see a human being. It’s not about excusing violence. Never. It’s about the terrifyingly thin line between a kid who feels invisible and a kid who decides to make sure everyone finally sees them, no matter the cost.
The Psychology of the Outsider
Why does someone even enter that orbit? Honestly, it’s usually accidental. You’re the new kid. Or maybe you’re just someone who doesn't subscribe to the rigid social hierarchy of a typical American high school.
Research from the United States Secret Service National Threat Assessment Center (NTAC) shows that most students who plan school attacks feel bullied, persecuted, or injured by others prior to the incident. They aren't just "snapping." It’s a slow burn. When you become friends with someone in that headspace, you aren't seeing a killer. You're seeing a teenager who is drowning.
Take the case of Aaron Stark. He is one of the most prominent voices on this topic today. He famously gave a TED talk titled "I was almost a school shooter." He describes himself as a "dark, destructive kid" who was planning an attack in the 1990s. What stopped him? A friend. A single friend who didn't judge him, who brought him a blueberry peach pie, and who treated him like a person when he felt like a monster.
That’s the nuance people miss. Friendship isn't a magic wand, but for someone on the edge, it’s often the only anchor to reality.
Recognizing the Behavioral Leakage
In the world of threat assessment, experts talk about "leakage." This is when a person communicates their intent to harm others, either intentionally or unintentionally.
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If you've found yourself in a position where you can say, "I became friends with school shooter," you likely saw this leakage firsthand. It might have been a joke that felt too sharp. Maybe it was a drawing in a notebook. Or perhaps it was a sudden obsession with past tragedies like Columbine or Sandy Hook.
The FBI and Department of Homeland Security emphasize that peer reporting is the number one way these events are stopped. But here’s the rub: if you’re their only friend, you feel a crushing sense of loyalty. You don't want to be a "snitch." You think you can handle it. You think you can talk them out of it.
That is a dangerous burden for a teenager to carry.
The Myth of the "Loner"
We love the "lone wolf" narrative. It makes it easier to blame the individual rather than the environment. But if you look at the 2002 Safe School Initiative report, you’ll find that many of these individuals actually had social circles. They weren't always isolated in a basement.
The friendship often starts because of shared interests. Gaming. Music. A shared hatred for the school’s "popular" crowd.
When people recount how I became friends with school shooter, they often mention a specific turning point where the friendship started to feel... heavy. The conversations moved from "this school sucks" to "everyone here deserves to die." That shift is where the danger lies. It’s where the "friend" has to make a choice between maintaining the bond and saving lives.
What Radical Empathy Looks Like
Is it possible to be friends with someone who has dark thoughts without becoming "like" them? Yes. But it’s exhausting.
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- Active Listening without Validation: You can hear someone’s pain without agreeing with their solution. If a friend says, "I want to hurt people," a real friend says, "I hear that you're hurting, but that's not the answer."
- Boundary Setting: This is the hardest part. You have to be able to walk away if the person refuses to get help.
- The Pivot to Intervention: True friendship in this context means getting that person the professional help they need, even if they hate you for it in the moment.
Real Stories of Prevention Through Connection
There is a story often told in prevention circles about a student in Oregon. He was planning an attack. He had the gear. He had the timeline. But a girl in his class started talking to him. Just talking. About movies. About life.
She didn't know his plan. She just saw someone who looked like they needed a seat at the table.
Months later, he turned himself in. He handed over his weapons. He told the police that her kindness made it impossible for him to go through with it. He couldn't kill a world that had her in it.
This isn't to say that "being nice" is a substitute for mental health services or common-sense gun laws. It isn't. But we cannot ignore the social component of these tragedies. Isolation is a fuel. Friendship is a fire retardant.
The Aftermath of the Realization
What happens if you didn't know? What if the tragedy happened, and then you realized you were friends with the perpetrator?
The guilt is paralyzing. "How did I miss it?" "Why didn't I say something?" These questions haunt people for decades. You see this in the accounts of survivors from schools across the country. They look back at photos and see themselves laughing with someone who would later commit an unspeakable act.
It’s vital to understand that perpetrators of mass violence are often master manipulators of their own public image. They hide their "true" selves even from those closest to them. If you were in a situation where I became friends with school shooter, and you didn't see it coming, you are not responsible for their choices.
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Moving Forward: Actionable Insights for Students and Parents
If you are a student right now, or a parent watching your child navigate these social waters, there are concrete things you can do. This isn't just about "being kind." It’s about being aware.
Pay attention to the 'Baseline': People change. If a friend who was usually just "grumpy" suddenly becomes hyper-focused on weapons, tactical gear, or revenge fantasies, that is a change in their baseline. It’s a red flag.
Understand the 'Path to Violence': Violence is a process, not an event. It starts with a grievance. Then it moves to ideation (thinking about it). Then research and planning. Then preparation. If you catch someone in the ideation or research phase, you can move them off that path.
Anonymous Reporting is Your Best Friend: Most schools now have "Say Something" apps or anonymous tip lines. Use them. It is better to have a friend mad at you because they got a home visit from a social worker than to attend their funeral—or the funerals of your classmates.
Don't Try to be a Hero Alone: If you suspect a friend is heading down a dark path, talk to a trusted adult. A teacher. A coach. A counselor. You don't have the tools to fix a potential mass shooter. You just don't.
Look for 'Crisis Signs':
- Sudden withdrawal from all social activities.
- Giving away prized possessions.
- Explicit threats (never treat these as jokes).
- A sudden "calmness" after a period of intense agitation (this can indicate they’ve made a final decision).
The phrase I became friends with school shooter shouldn't be a badge of shame or a ghost story. It should be a wake-up call. We live in a world where disconnection is the default. We spend more time on screens than looking each other in the eye.
Breaking that cycle of isolation might not save the world every time. But for one person, it might be the only thing that keeps them in it.
If you are worried about a friend, or if you feel yourself slipping into those dark thoughts, reach out. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is for everyone, including those who feel like they are becoming a danger to others. There is a way back from the edge. You just have to be willing to take the hand that’s reaching out.