You've probably been there. You meet someone, and the chemistry is electric, like a live wire hitting a puddle. But then, a few weeks in, something shifts. The texts get shorter. They dodge deep questions like they’re playing a high-stakes game of dodgeball. You start wondering if you’re "too much" or if they’re just busy. Honestly, you're likely dealing with someone who fits the description of what is emotionally unavailable, a term that gets tossed around TikTok and therapist offices constantly, but rarely with the nuance it actually deserves.
It isn't just about being a "cold" person. Some of the most emotionally unavailable people are incredibly charming, gregarious, and fun to be around—until things get real.
Psychologically speaking, emotional unavailability is a defense mechanism. It’s a wall. Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, touches on this heavily in his work on attachment styles. If you've read Attached, you know that people with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with intimacy because they perceive it as a threat to their independence. They aren't necessarily "villains." They’re often just operating from a script that says Closeness = Danger.
The Subtle Art of Distancing
Understanding what is emotionally unavailable requires looking past the obvious stuff like "not calling back." It’s often much more subtle.
Have you ever had a conversation where you felt like you were talking to a polished mirror? They say all the right things, but you leave the interaction feeling empty. That’s a hallmark. They might share "facts" about their life—where they went to school, their job, their favorite band—but they rarely share their internal world. They won't tell you how they felt when they lost that job or why they don't speak to their brother.
They stay in the "shallows." It’s safe there.
Sometimes it manifests as being "perpetually busy." We live in a hustle culture, so "I'm just swamped with work" is the perfect, socially acceptable shield. If someone is always too busy to see you more than once a week, or if they can only hang out on their specific, rigid terms, they’re keeping you at arm's length. They are prioritizing their autonomy over the messy, unpredictable nature of a shared life.
Why Do People Become This Way?
It’s rarely a conscious choice to be difficult. Nobody wakes up and thinks, "I’m going to ruin this person's week by being vague."
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Often, it’s a byproduct of childhood environments where expressing emotions was discouraged or met with ridicule. If a child learns that their needs won't be met—or worse, that their emotions make their parents uncomfortable—they stop expressing them. They become self-reliant to a fault.
This creates a "hyper-independence" that looks like strength but is actually a shell.
Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that emotional connection is built through "bids for connection." If you say, "Look at that beautiful bird," and your partner looks, they’ve accepted the bid. Someone who is emotionally unavailable will consistently miss, ignore, or reject these bids. Not because they hate birds, but because acknowledging the bid requires a micro-moment of shared intimacy they aren't equipped to handle.
The "Hot and Cold" Rollercoaster
This is the part that drives people crazy.
One night, they are vulnerable. Maybe they’ve had a glass of wine and they tell you something deeply personal. You think, Finally! We’re getting somewhere. But the next morning? They’re distant. They might even be irritable or pick a fight.
This is known as a "vulnerability hangover." They let the wall down, felt the "danger" of being seen, and now they have to overcompensate by building the wall back up, higher and thicker than before. It’s exhausting to be on the receiving end of this. It creates an intermittent reinforcement loop—the same psychological trick that makes slot machines so addictive. You keep putting in effort because you’re waiting for that "win" of closeness you experienced once before.
Can They Change?
This is the big question. Everyone wants to be the "exception" who heals the "broken" person.
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The hard truth is that while people can change, they rarely do for someone else. Change requires a massive amount of self-awareness and, ironically, the very thing they are afraid of: being vulnerable with a therapist or a partner.
According to Dr. Nicole LePera, known as "The Holistic Psychologist," healing these patterns involves recognizing the body's physiological response to intimacy. For an emotionally unavailable person, intimacy feels like a "fight or flight" trigger. Until they learn to regulate their nervous system and realize that closeness isn't a threat to their survival, the pattern will likely repeat.
Signs You're Dating the "Unavailable"
It’s easy to get lost in the weeds, so let's look at some concrete behaviors.
- The "Ex" Factor: They either talk about their ex like they were a saint (setting an impossible standard) or a total "crazy" person (avoiding any accountability for the relationship's failure).
- The Future is a Ghost: They won't plan a vacation three months out. They won't even commit to a Saturday night dinner until Friday afternoon. Committing to a timeline feels like losing a limb.
- Intensity Over Intimacy: They might be great at sex or high-adrenaline activities, but they struggle with "the quiet." If you can't just sit on a couch together without a distraction, that's a red flag.
- Label Phobia: They love "situationships." They want the benefits of a relationship without the "obligations."
Protecting Your Own Peace
If you realize you’re pursuing someone who matches the description of what is emotionally unavailable, you have to look inward. Why are you attracted to that?
Oftentimes, we seek out unavailable people because we ourselves are subconsciously afraid of intimacy. If we choose someone who won't commit, we don't have to worry about the relationship actually working out and the real-life vulnerabilities that come with it. It’s a safe way to play at love without ever having to go all-in.
You deserve someone who meets your bids for connection.
You deserve someone who isn't afraid to say "I'm scared" or "I really like you."
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Don't mistake "the chase" for "the spark." They are very different things. A spark leads to a fire; a chase just leads to being tired.
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If you suspect you are dealing with this dynamic, stop waiting for them to "see the light." Instead, try these shifts:
Set a "Hard" Bid
Ask for something specific and vulnerable. "I’d really like to talk about where we are headed, it would make me feel more secure." Their reaction is your answer. If they shut down, mock you, or deflect, they are telling you exactly who they are. Believe them.
Stop the "Over-Functioning"
If you are the one doing all the planning, all the texting, and all the emotional labor, stop. See if they lean in to fill the gap. If the relationship simply withers away when you stop propping it up, you weren't in a partnership; you were a solo act.
Audit Your Attraction
Write down the qualities of the last three people you dated. Is there a pattern? If "elusiveness" is a common thread, you might be addicted to the dopamine hit of "winning over" someone who is distant. Work with a coach or therapist to redefine what "excitement" looks like—moving it away from anxiety and toward safety.
Practice Radical Honesty
Next time you feel that "pull away" from someone, state it plainly without accusation. "I feel a bit of distance between us today, is everything okay?" An emotionally available person will engage. An unavailable person will usually gaslight or retreat further.
Walk Away Early
The biggest mistake people make is staying for the "potential." You cannot date a version of someone that doesn't exist yet. If they aren't available today, assume they won't be available in six months. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave while your self-esteem is still intact.