You’ve probably seen the reality TV shows. The giant houses in Utah, the long braids, and the complicated schedules involving color-coded calendars. It makes for great television, but it usually leaves people asking the same basic question: what is a polygamist, really?
At its simplest, a polygamist is someone who practices polygamy—the act of having more than one spouse at the same time. But "simple" isn't a word that fits here. In the United States, and much of the Western world, it’s a lifestyle shrouded in legal red tape, religious fervor, and a whole lot of social stigma. People often confuse it with "polyamory" or "swinging," but those are different beasts entirely. Polygamy is almost always rooted in a structural, often religious, marriage framework. It’s about family units, not just dating multiple people.
It’s messy. It’s controversial. And honestly, it’s more common than most people realize.
The Difference Between Polygyny and Polyandry
We use "polygamy" as a catch-all term, but it actually splits into two very different directions. Most of what you see in the news or on Sister Wives is technically polygyny. That’s when one man has multiple wives. It’s the most prevalent form globally and historically.
Then there’s polyandry.
This is when one woman has multiple husbands. It’s incredibly rare. You’ll find historical or cultural pockets of it in places like parts of Tibet or among the Nayar people of India, often driven by the need to keep land within a single family line. But if you’re asking about a polygamist in a modern Western context, 99% of the time, you’re talking about a man with several wives.
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Why the lopsidedness? Most sociologists, like those cited in the Evolutionary Anthropology journals, point to historical resource control. In many ancient societies, a man’s status was tied to his ability to provide for a massive household. More wives meant more children, which meant more labor and a larger footprint for his lineage. It was a power move as much as a domestic choice.
Is it Legal? The Big "No" (Sort Of)
Let’s be clear: bigamy is illegal in all 50 U.S. states. You cannot walk into a courthouse in Vegas or Vermont and get a second marriage license while you’re still legally hitched to someone else. The system will flag it.
So, how do they do it?
Basically, they use "spiritual marriages." A polygamist usually has one legal wife—the one who signed the papers with the state. Every other wife is a spiritual spouse. They have a religious ceremony, they consider themselves married before God, and they share a last name, but the government just sees them as roommates or "unmarried" partners.
In Utah, the legal landscape shifted big time in 2020. They passed Senate Bill 102, which effectively decriminalized polygamy among consenting adults. It’s still not "legal" like a standard marriage, but it was moved from a third-degree felony to a simple infraction—kinda like a traffic ticket. The goal was to help people in these communities come forward to report abuse or fraud without fearing they’d be thrown in jail just for their family structure.
The Religious Connection: FLDS and Beyond
When people ask "what is a polygamist," they’re usually thinking of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS). This is a breakaway group that split from the main LDS Church (Mormons) back in the late 1800s and early 1900s.
The main LDS Church actually banned polygamy in 1890. If a member tries to take a second wife today, they get excommunicated. Period.
But the fundamentalist groups believe that "plural marriage" is a divine requirement to reach the highest level of heaven. It’s a concept called "Celestial Marriage." For them, it’s not a choice; it’s a ticket to the afterlife. This creates a high-pressure environment. You’ve got leaders like Warren Jeffs—who is currently serving a life sentence—who used this religious leverage to commit horrific crimes. It’s the dark side of the lifestyle that often overshadows the "independent" polygamists who aren't part of a cult-like structure.
What Most People Get Wrong About the Motivation
It’s not just about sex. Honestly, if it were just about sex, there are way easier ways to go about it than supporting fifteen children and managing the schedules of four different women who all live under one roof.
For many women in these communities, they argue that it offers a built-in support system. They call it "sisterhood." Imagine having three other women to help with childcare, cooking, and emotional labor. That’s the "pro" side they often pitch.
Of course, the "con" side is glaring. Jealousy is a massive factor. How do you split a husband’s time fairly? How do you handle the financial strain? In many polygamist families, the poverty rate is high because one income (or even two or three) struggles to support 20+ people. This often leads to "bleeding the beast," a term used in some extremist groups for overusing government welfare programs.
The Psychological Toll and the "Lost Boys"
We can’t talk about what a polygamist is without talking about the kids.
In rigid polygynous societies, math is a problem. If every man takes four wives, three men are left with zero. This creates a surplus of young men. In groups like the FLDS, these teenagers are often kicked out of their communities for tiny infractions—like wearing a short-sleeved shirt or listening to rock music. They’re called "Lost Boys."
By booting the competition, the older men at the top of the hierarchy ensure they have plenty of young women to marry. It’s a self-preserving cycle that leaves a trail of traumatized young men in cities like St. George, Utah, or Las Vegas, trying to figure out a world they were never prepared for.
Is Polyamory the Same Thing?
No. Not even close.
If you call a polyamorist a polygamist, they’ll probably spend an hour explaining why you’re wrong.
- Polyamory is about "ethical non-monogamy." It’s usually secular. It’s about dating multiple people with everyone’s consent. It’s fluid.
- Polygamy is about marriage and patriarchy. It’s rigid. It’s almost always religious.
Polyamory happens in the city; polygamy happens on the ranch (mostly).
The Global Perspective
While we focus on the U.S. because of the media, polygamy is actually legal in many parts of the world. Across much of the Middle East and parts of Africa, Islamic law allows a man to have up to four wives, provided he can treat them all equally.
"Equally" is the keyword there. It means he has to provide the same level of housing, food, and attention to each. In modern places like the UAE or Qatar, this is becoming less common simply because it's too expensive. It’s a rich man’s game now.
Surprising Realities of the Lifestyle
- The Architecture: In places like Colorado City, you’ll see "polygamist houses." They look like normal houses that just kept growing. Additions are tacked on every time a new wife joins or more kids are born. They often have multiple kitchens.
- The Legal Maneuvering: Sometimes, a man will legally marry one wife, then divorce her (on paper) to legally marry the second wife so she can get citizenship or health insurance, while still living with both.
- Internal Hierarchy: There is almost always a "first wife." She often holds the most social power in the house, even if the husband is the technical head of the family.
Understanding the "Independent" Polygamist
Not every polygamist is in a cult. There’s a growing movement of "Independents"—people who believe in the religious principle but hate the organized church structures. They live in suburban neighborhoods. They work regular jobs in tech or construction. They don't wear the 19th-century prairie dresses.
These families are the ones fighting for total decriminalization. They argue that if two women want to share a husband and they’re all consenting adults, it’s a matter of religious freedom and privacy.
Actionable Insights for Research and Support
If you’re trying to understand this world better or if you’re looking for ways to help people leaving these environments, here’s how to actually engage:
- Distinguish the Group: If you’re researching, find out if the person is FLDS (Warren Jeffs' group), AUB (Apostolic United Brethren), or Independent. The experiences vary wildly between them.
- Support the Exiters: Organizations like Holding Out HELP or Cherish Families provide actual resources—housing, therapy, and legal aid—for people who want to leave polygamous groups.
- Read Primary Sources: Instead of just watching TV, read books like The Witness Wore Red by Rebecca Musser or Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. They provide the grit that reality TV polishes away.
- Check Local Laws: If you are looking into the legality for any reason, remember that "consenting" is the pivot point. Any marriage involving minors is prosecuted aggressively as sexual assault or child abuse, regardless of religious claims.
The world of a polygamist is a paradox. It’s a mix of deep-seated religious devotion and incredibly complex social engineering. Whether you view it as a valid lifestyle choice or an inherently oppressive system, it remains a persistent, if hidden, part of the global cultural fabric.
Next Steps for Deepening Your Knowledge
To truly grasp the impact of this lifestyle, look into the 2020 Utah Senate Bill 102. Understanding how the law shifted from punishment to harm reduction offers a masterclass in how modern governments handle "alternative" family structures. Additionally, exploring the Child Protector Guide resources can help identify the signs of spiritual abuse versus consenting plural marriage. Finally, look at the historical 1890 Manifesto by Wilford Woodruff to see the exact moment the mainstream LDS church broke ties with the practice, creating the factions we see today.