You’ve been there. Sitting across from someone—maybe a date, a potential business partner, or a boss—and the vibe is just... off. You’re trying to read the room, but the room is encrypted. Eventually, the thought pops up: what are your intentions? It’s a heavy question. People usually treat it like a "gotcha" moment, but in reality, understanding intent is the backbone of every functional relationship on the planet.
Most people suck at identifying intent. Honestly. We project our own insecurities onto other people’s actions and call it intuition. If someone doesn't text back for six hours, we decide their intention is to ghost us, when really, they just dropped their phone in a toilet or got stuck in a budget meeting that should have been an email. Intent isn't about what people do; it's about the "why" behind the "what." Without knowing the "why," we’re just guessing.
The Psychology of Why We Guess Wrong
Psychologists call this the Fundamental Attribution Error. It’s a fancy way of saying we judge ourselves by our circumstances but judge others by their character. If I’m late to a meeting, it’s because traffic was a nightmare. If you’re late, it’s because you’re disrespectful and have bad intentions. See the gap?
Harvard researcher Amy Cuddy has spent years looking at how we evaluate people. According to her research, the human brain asks two specific questions when meeting someone new: "Can I trust this person?" and "Can I respect this person?" Trust is basically a proxy for intent. We want to know if someone is a friend or a foe before we care if they're actually competent. You can be the smartest person in the room, but if your intentions feel murky, people will keep their guard up.
I remember talking to a mediator who handled high-stakes corporate divorces. He told me that 90% of the vitriol didn't come from the money. It came from the perceived betrayal of intent. One partner thought the other was trying to sink the company, while the other was just trying to save for retirement. They stopped asking what are your intentions and started assuming them. That’s where the rot starts.
Intentions vs. Impact: The Great Divide
Here is a hard truth that most people hate: your intentions do not exempt you from the consequences of your impact.
You might have the "best intentions" in the world when you give a friend "constructive" criticism. But if that friend leaves the conversation feeling like garbage, your intent doesn't magically fix their feelings. Intent is the internal spark; impact is the external fire. You’re responsible for both.
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In the workplace, this plays out in "managerial blind spots." A boss might intend to challenge an employee to help them grow. However, the employee perceives the intention as micromanagement or a lack of trust. This misalignment is why employee engagement scores are perpetually in the basement.
- Intent: "I want to make sure this project is perfect so they get promoted."
- Perceived Intent: "They don't think I can do my job."
If you find yourself constantly saying "That’s not what I meant," you have an intent-impact gap. It's not their fault for "taking it the wrong way." It’s your fault for not aligning your delivery with your goal.
The "Dating" Elephant in the Room
Let's be real. Most people searching for what are your intentions are probably dealing with a confusing romantic situation. Modern dating is a wasteland of ambiguity. We’ve replaced clear communication with "breadcrumbing" and "situationships."
Asking "what are your intentions" in a dating context feels terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. You're putting your cards on the table. But here’s the thing: people with good intentions aren’t scared of that question. They might be surprised, sure, but they won't run for the hills. Only people who are intentionally staying vague to keep their options open find that question "smothering."
Setting "intentions" isn't just for the other person, though. It’s for you. Why are you on that app? Are you looking for a soulmate, or are you just bored on a Tuesday night? If you aren't honest with yourself about your own intentions, you can't be surprised when you end up in a mess.
Business and the "Hidden Agenda"
In business, we call intentions "aligning interests." It sounds more professional, but it’s the same thing. When a venture capitalist looks at a startup, they aren't just looking at the EBITDA or the burn rate. They are looking at the founder's intentions. Is this person trying to build something that lasts, or are they looking for a quick "pump and dump" exit?
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I once worked with a consultant who refused to sign a contract until we had a "values dinner." He wanted to see how we treated the waitstaff. He wanted to hear us talk about our long-term goals when we weren't in "pitch mode." He was hunting for our true intentions.
Transparency is the ultimate competitive advantage. When a company is transparent about its intentions—even if those intentions are just "we want to make a lot of money"—it builds a weird kind of trust. We know where they stand. It’s the companies that pretend to "change the world" while cutting corners on safety that we eventually turn on.
How to Actually Figure Out Someone's Intentions
You can't read minds. Stop trying. It’s exhausting and you’re probably wrong anyway. Instead of playing mental gymnastics, try these tactical approaches to suss out what are your intentions in any scenario:
- Watch the patterns, not the peaks. Anyone can have "good intentions" for an hour. Look at how they behave when they’re tired, stressed, or when they don't want something from you. Consistency is the only real evidence of intent.
- Ask "What does success look like for you in this?" This is a killer question for business and personal life. If their version of success involves you losing or being diminished, their intentions are clear.
- The "Third Party" Test. How do they talk about people who aren't in the room? If they have bad intentions toward others, they eventually will have them toward you. It’s a personality trait, not a situational choice.
- Believe the first red flag. People usually show you their intentions early on. We just choose to ignore it because we like the version of them we’ve built in our heads.
Setting Your Own Intentions (The "Internal" Work)
Most of us move through life on autopilot. We react. We don't act.
Living with intention means you decide the "why" before you start the "what." Before you go into a difficult conversation, ask yourself: Is my intention to be right, or is my intention to resolve the conflict? You can’t usually do both. If your intention is to be right, you’ll "win" the argument but lose the relationship.
Setting a daily intention is a cliché in the wellness world, but it’s actually grounded in cognitive priming. If you decide your intention for the day is "patience," your brain literally looks for opportunities to practice it. It changes your filter.
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The Nuance of "Changing Your Mind"
Intentions aren't contracts. They can change.
Someone might enter a job with the intention of staying for ten years, then realize the culture is toxic and leave after six months. That doesn't mean they lied. It means the situation evolved. We have to allow for the fact that people are dynamic.
The problem arises when there is a deliberate deception—where the stated intention and the actual intention are miles apart from day one. That’s manipulation. Understanding the difference between a "change of heart" and a "bait and switch" is the key to emotional maturity.
Moving Toward Radical Clarity
Stop guessing. If you are confused about where you stand with someone, ask.
"Hey, I’m really enjoying our time, but I’m curious—what are your intentions with this?"
It might feel awkward. Your heart might race. But the thirty seconds of awkwardness is worth the months of saved time you’d otherwise spend over-analyzing text messages or business emails.
Actionable Steps for Clearer Intentions
- Conduct an "Intent Audit": Look at your three most stressful relationships. Write down what you think their intentions are, then write down what they’ve actually done. If there’s a massive gap, it’s time for a conversation.
- Practice "The Pivot": When you feel yourself getting angry at someone, stop and ask: "Is it possible their intention wasn't to hurt me?" Usually, the answer is yes.
- State your "Why" upfront: In meetings or hard talks, start with: "My intention for this talk is X." It lowers everyone's cortisol levels immediately because they don't have to guess your agenda.
- Define your "Non-Negotiables": Know what intentions you won't tolerate. If someone's intention is purely transactional and you want something relational, walk away early.
Understanding what are your intentions isn't about being a cynic or a detective. It’s about being a better communicator. It's about closing the gap between what we feel and what we do. When you start living and interacting with clear intent, the world stops being a series of confusing signals and starts being a place where you can actually build something real.