Ever walked into a room and felt like the energy changed because of who was standing there? That’s the core of the question. People often trip over the phrasing—asking what are the family instead of "who is the family"—but honestly, the shift from "who" to "what" or "is" to "are" reveals a lot about how we view our closest tribes. Language is messy. It’s a living thing that changes based on where you live and how you value the people you share a dinner table with.
Sometimes, when people search for "what are the family," they aren't looking for a grammar lesson. They’re looking for a definition of an evolving social structure. Families aren't just a mom, a dad, and 2.5 kids anymore. They are networks of support, some biological, some "chosen."
The Collective Soul: Why We Use "Are" Instead of "Is"
In American English, we usually say "the family is." It treats the group like a single, solid block. One unit. But in British English, it’s much more common to hear "the family are." Why? Because it acknowledges the individuals inside. It’s the difference between seeing a forest and seeing the specific oaks, maples, and pines that make it up. When you ask what are the family doing for the holidays, you’re subconsciously recognizing that every member has their own schedule, their own feelings, and their own life.
It's about the collective versus the individual.
If you look at the work of sociologists like Dr. Bella DePaulo, who has spent years researching "singlehood" and unconventional family structures, you start to see that the "what" of a family is often defined by function rather than just blood. A family is a group that provides "full-time" care. It’s the person you call at 3:00 AM when your car breaks down. It’s the friend who knows your medical history. In the 2020s, the definition has expanded so far that the old "nuclear" model is actually in the minority in many urban centers.
Beyond Blood: The Rise of Chosen Families
The concept of a "chosen family" grew significantly out of the LGBTQ+ community, where biological ties were sometimes severed. But now? It’s everywhere. You see it in "micro-communities" and co-housing arrangements.
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Honestly, it makes sense. People are moving for work more than ever. If your parents live in Maine and you live in Los Angeles, your neighbors often become the "what" of your family. They are the ones who show up for the flu or the housewarming party. This isn't just a feel-good sentiment; it’s a survival mechanism. Humans are hardwired for tribal connection. When the traditional tribe isn't there, we build a new one out of the pieces we have.
Types of Modern Structures
- The Multi-Generational Household: This is actually the fastest-growing household type in the U.S. according to Pew Research. We’re talking three or more generations under one roof. It’s partly economic, sure, but it’s also about childcare and eldercare. It’s a return to how humans lived for thousands of years before the 1950s suburbia experiment.
- The Blended Family: Divorce and remarriage have made "step" and "half" relations the norm. This is where the "are" in what are the family becomes really important. You have multiple sets of parents and siblings navigating a complex web of loyalty and schedules.
- The Co-Parenting Model: You don't even have to be in a romantic relationship to start a family anymore. Platonic co-parenting—where two friends decide to raise a child together without being "together"—is a real thing. It’s a deliberate, legal, and emotional commitment that redefines the "what."
The Legal and Economic "What"
Let's get practical for a second. The IRS and your health insurance provider have a very specific, often rigid, idea of what a family is. This creates a massive gap between lived reality and legal recognition.
For example, if you live with a partner for twenty years but never marry, many states don't recognize you as "family" for hospital visitation or inheritance unless you have a stack of legal paperwork. This is why understanding the "what" matters. It’s about protection. It’s about who gets the life insurance policy and who decides what happens in an emergency.
We’re seeing a shift, though. Some municipalities in Massachusetts, like Somerville and Cambridge, have passed domestic partnership ordinances that recognize multi-partner relationships or "polyamorous" families. It’s a radical departure from the norm, but it reflects the actual diversity of how people live. Whether you agree with it or not, the legal definition is slowly trying to catch up to the social reality.
The Psychology of Belonging
Why do we care so much about defining this? Because belonging is a biological imperative.
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When you feel like you belong to a family—whatever that "what" looks like—your cortisol levels drop. Your brain produces more oxytocin. You live longer. Literally. The famous Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been running for over 80 years, found that the single most important predictor of health and happiness wasn't money or fame. It was the quality of your relationships.
It’s the people who show up.
If your "family" is a group of gaming friends you’ve known for a decade online, or a group of coworkers who have seen you through three promotions and a breakup, that’s your "what." It’s the group that validates your existence.
The Cultural Divide
Depending on where you go, the answer to what are the family changes completely.
In many collectivist cultures, like in parts of South Asia or West Africa, the family is an expansive network that includes distant cousins and even deceased ancestors. The "individual" barely exists outside the context of the family. In contrast, Western individualism tends to shrink the family down to the smallest possible unit.
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But even in the West, we’re seeing a "re-communalization." People are tired of being lonely. They’re tired of the "loneliness epidemic" that the Surgeon General keeps warning us about. So, they are reinventing the family. They are turning "what are the family" into a question about quality of connection rather than quantity of shared DNA.
How to Strengthen Your Own "What"
If you’re looking at your own life and wondering if your "family" is working for you, it’s worth taking a step back. Families aren't static. They require maintenance. Like a car or a garden.
- Audit your inner circle. Who actually shows up for you? Who do you show up for? These are your "are."
- Define your traditions. Families are built on shared rituals. It doesn't have to be Thanksgiving. It could be Sunday night pizza or a specific group chat that never dies. These rituals create the "what."
- Handle the legalities. If your family is non-traditional, don't wait for a crisis. Get the power of attorney. Update the beneficiaries. Make the "what" official so the system can't ignore you.
- Communicate the "we." Start using language that reinforces the bond. Use "we" and "ours." It sounds small, but it changes the psychological landscape of the group.
The reality is that what are the family isn't a static definition. It’s a moving target. It’s a collection of souls trying to navigate a chaotic world by sticking together. Whether that's through blood, marriage, or just a shared history of surviving the hard stuff, it’s the most important thing we have.
Identify your people. Protect them. Because at the end of the day, the "what" of your family is exactly what you decide to build.
To move forward with your own family structure, start by scheduling a "state of the union" conversation with your core people—biological or chosen—to discuss shared goals for the coming year. This simple act of intentionality transforms a group of individuals into a cohesive unit with a shared purpose.