The question of whether Lyle and Erik Menendez were gay isn't just a bit of tabloid gossip from the nineties. It’s actually a massive part of why their trials became such a cultural lightning rod in the first place. You’ve probably seen the Netflix shows or watched the old courtroom footage on YouTube, and if you have, you know that the "gay" narrative was used like a weapon back then. Honestly, the way people talked about sexuality in 1993 was a total mess compared to how we see things now.
People are still asking were the Menendez brothers gay because the prosecution and the media spent years trying to paint them that way to prove they were "deviant." It was a classic character assassination tactic. But if you look at the actual testimony and the letters Erik wrote, the truth is way more complicated than a simple label. It’s a story about trauma, survival, and a legal system that didn't know how to handle male sexual abuse.
The "Gay" Narrative as a Prosecution Tool
Back in the first trial, the prosecution—led by David Conn and Joan Vandervort—didn't just suggest the brothers might be gay; they practically shouted it. They wanted the jury to believe that Lyle and Erik were cold-blooded killers who spent their parents’ money on a "lavish, playboy lifestyle." To the D.A., the idea that Erik might be gay was proof of a "secret life" that supposedly made him more likely to lie or manipulate.
It's pretty gross looking back on it.
During the trial, they brought up Erik’s screenplay Friends, which he wrote with a high school buddy. The script featured a character who kills his parents. The prosecution tried to link the fictional themes of the play to Erik’s real life, suggesting his "sensitivity" was a mask. They were basically using 1990s homophobia to tell the jury, "Look, these guys aren't like you."
Erik’s sexuality and the letters to Craig Cignarelli
A huge chunk of the speculation centers on Erik’s relationship with his best friend, Craig Cignarelli. They were inseparable. In court, the prosecution leaned hard into the idea that their bond was more than just a friendship. They pointed to letters Erik wrote that were deeply emotional. Erik was a teenager dealing with what we now know was horrific ongoing abuse at the hands of his father, Jose Menendez.
When you’re a kid being traumatized like that, you cling to anyone who makes you feel safe. Erik’s defense attorney, Leslie Abramson, argued that his closeness with Craig wasn't about being gay; it was about seeking the affection he never got at home.
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- Erik wrote about feeling "different" and "alone."
- He expressed an intense, almost desperate need for Craig’s approval.
- The prosecution called this "evidence of a homosexual relationship."
- The defense called it "the behavior of a victim."
The Shadow of Jose Menendez
You can't talk about whether the Menendez brothers were gay without talking about Jose. The defense’s entire case rested on "imperfect self-defense." They claimed Jose had been sexually and physically abusing the brothers since they were toddlers.
This is where it gets dark.
Jose was obsessed with his sons being "alpha males." He was a high-powered executive who demanded perfection. According to testimony from the brothers and several cousins—like Andy Cano and Diane Vander Molen—Jose was a monster behind closed doors. If Erik or Lyle showed any "feminine" traits or "weakness," Jose would escalate the abuse.
In that environment, sexuality isn't a choice or even an identity. It’s a minefield.
What the cousins knew
Diane Vander Molen has been one of the most consistent voices over the decades. She testified that she saw the effects of the abuse firsthand. She saw the brothers' fear. For her, the question of were the Menendez brothers gay is a distraction from the reality of the sexual violence they suffered. When a father is molesting his sons, the sons' sexual orientation becomes a secondary issue to the survival of the trauma itself.
The jury in the first trial actually deadlocked because some members believed the brothers were telling the truth about the abuse. But by the second trial, Judge Stanley Weisberg stripped most of the abuse testimony out. He wouldn't let the "gay" or "victim" narrative play out fairly. He treated it like it was irrelevant.
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Marriage and life behind bars
If you’re looking for "proof" of their orientation, their lives in prison tell a different story than the 1990s tabloids did. Both brothers have been married to women for decades.
- Lyle married Anna Eriksson in 1996, and later Rebecca Sneed in 2003.
- Erik married Tammi Ruth Saccoman in 1999.
Tammi Menendez even wrote a book, They Said We’d Never Make It, about her relationship with Erik. She’s been his biggest advocate for over 25 years. These aren't just "prison pen pal" flings. They are long-term, committed relationships that have survived the brothers being moved between different facilities.
Does being married to a woman mean someone isn't gay? Not necessarily. But in the context of the Menendez case, these relationships suggest that the prosecution’s "secret gay life" theory was mostly a fabrication designed to prejudice a 1990s jury.
Why this matters in 2026
We’re in a different era now. With the recent push for a new hearing based on the Roy Rossello (of Menudo fame) allegations, people are finally taking the sexual abuse claims seriously. Roy Rossello came forward alleging that Jose Menendez also drugged and raped him when he was a teenager.
This corroborates everything Lyle and Erik said thirty years ago.
When we ask were the Menendez brothers gay, we have to acknowledge that the question itself was often used to shame them. In the 90s, the "gay panic" defense was a real thing. If the prosecution could make a jury think the brothers were gay, they could make them seem "other" or "lesser." It was a way to dehumanize them so the jury wouldn't feel sympathy for the abuse they endured.
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The impact of the "Gay" Label on the trial
- It made the abuse claims harder for the public to swallow.
- It played into stereotypes about "decadent" Beverly Hills lifestyles.
- It distracted from the physical evidence of Jose’s violence.
- It allowed the media to turn a tragedy into a circus.
Honestly, the brothers have never self-identified as gay. Erik has spoken extensively about how his father’s sexual abuse confused his sense of self and his sexuality, which is a common experience for survivors. But that’s a conversation about trauma, not a coming-out story.
Actionable insights for following the case
The Menendez case is currently under review by the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office. If you're following the updates, keep these things in mind to avoid the misinformation trap:
Look at the New Evidence Search for the "Roy Rossello affidavit." This is the most significant piece of evidence to emerge in decades. It moves the conversation away from speculation about the brothers' personal lives and back toward the alleged crimes of Jose Menendez.
Understand the "Habeas Corpus" Petition The brothers’ lawyers have filed a petition based on "newly discovered evidence." This is their best shot at a resentencing or a new trial.
Filter Out the 90s Bias When you read old articles from the trial era, remember that the journalists back then were operating in a very different social climate. They often used words like "sensitive" or "theatrical" as code for "gay," trying to discredit the brothers' emotions.
Follow the Family The Menendez family (the extended family on Kitty’s side) has largely reunited in support of the brothers. Their perspective is usually more grounded in reality than the true-crime documentaries.
The truth is, whether the brothers were gay or not shouldn't have mattered for the verdict, but it mattered immensely for the narrative. Today, we can see that for what it was: a distraction from a much more horrific reality of systemic abuse within one of America's most prominent families.
To stay updated on the legal proceedings, you should monitor the Los Angeles County Superior Court filings. The case is currently navigating a complex "habeas corpus" process that could lead to their release if the court finds that the original trial was fundamentally unfair due to the exclusion of abuse evidence.