It’s that weird, heavy silence that drops the second someone mentions a specific cousin at Thanksgiving. Or maybe it’s the way your coworkers suddenly get very interested in their keyboards when the "failed merger" comes up in a meeting. We’ve all been there. Most of us just call it "the elephant in the room," but honestly, the phrase we don't talk about it has become a sort of universal code for the things that define us precisely because we refuse to say them out loud.
Silence isn't just empty space. It’s active.
When a family or a group decides that a topic is off-limits, they aren't just forgetting it; they are building a wall around it. Psychologists like Dr. Evan Imber-Black have spent decades looking at how these "secret" zones function. It turns out that when we say we don't talk about it, we're often trying to protect the group’s identity or prevent a perceived "shame" from leaking out. But here’s the kicker: the stuff we hide usually ends up having more power than the stuff we share.
The Science of Why We Don't Talk About It
Why do we do this to ourselves? Humans are tribal. We survive because we belong.
Back in the day—and I’m talking evolutionary timescales here—being kicked out of the tribe was a death sentence. So, if there was something about you or your family that might get you shunned, you buried it. Deep. Today, we don't worry about sabertooth tigers, but the biological fear of social "death" is still very much alive in our amygdala.
Research into "Selective Silence" suggests that when a group collectively decides to ignore a fact, it creates a shared reality. It’s a bonding mechanism. It sounds counterintuitive, right? You’d think honesty would bond people. But sometimes, the shared lie or the shared silence is what proves you’re "in." You know the rules. You know the boundaries. You know what stays behind the curtain.
The Cost of the "Vow of Silence"
Keeping a secret is physically exhausting. It’s not just a "mental" thing. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the more people ruminated on secrets, the more they felt "weighed down"—literally. Participants in the study actually perceived hills to be steeper and distances to be longer when they were carrying a heavy secret.
Think about that. The phrase we don't talk about it isn't just a social boundary; it’s a physical burden.
When you’re constantly monitoring what you say to make sure you don't trip over a "taboo" topic, you’re using up cognitive resources. You’re less creative. You’re more stressed. Your cortisol levels spike because you’re essentially in a state of low-level "threat detection" at all times. You’re waiting for someone to slip up.
The "Ensemble" Effect and Pop Culture
We see this everywhere in our media because it resonates so deeply. Take the 2021 Disney film Encanto. The song "We Don't Talk About Bruno" didn't just become a chart-topping hit because it was catchy. It went viral because every single person watching it recognized that dynamic.
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Bruno represented the uncomfortable truth.
By making him the guy we don't talk about, the family was trying to maintain a facade of perfection. It’s a classic case of "identified patient" syndrome in family systems theory. Often, the person or topic we refuse to discuss is actually the key to the family's healing. But because the truth is messy, we choose the clean silence instead.
When "We Don't Talk About It" Happens at Work
This isn't just a family thing. Corporate culture is riddled with these silences.
Ever worked somewhere where a major project failed, millions were lost, and then... nothing? No post-mortem. No debrief. Just a memo about "shifting priorities." That’s the professional version of the "Bruno" effect. When a company decides we don't talk about it, they are usually trying to protect the ego of leadership or avoid a drop in morale.
But it backfires. Always.
Employees aren't stupid. They see the empty space where the conversation should be. This creates a "culture of fear." If we can't talk about the $10 million mistake, can I talk about my $5,000 mistake? Probably not. So, everyone hides their errors. Innovation dies because nobody wants to take a risk that might end up in the "shh" pile.
The Health Implications
If you’re the one holding the secret, the one who was told we don't talk about it, the health impacts are real.
Pennebaker’s research on expressive writing showed that people who suppressed traumatic memories had suppressed immune systems. They got sick more often. When they finally started talking—or even just writing—about the "off-limits" topics, their T-cell counts actually improved.
The body wants to tell the truth.
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Breaking the Cycle (Without Blowing Everything Up)
So, how do you deal with it? If you’re stuck in a family or a workplace where we don't talk about it is the law of the land, you can't just walk in and start screaming the truth. That’s a recipe for disaster.
You have to be tactical.
First, acknowledge the silence to yourself. Just labeling it helps. "Okay, we are currently ignoring the fact that the company is broke." Once you see the boundary, it loses some of its power over you. You stop feeling like you’re crazy for noticing the elephant.
Second, find a "safe" outlet. If you can’t talk about it within the system, you talk about it outside the system. Therapy, close friends, or even an anonymous journal. The goal is to move the information from the "threat" part of your brain to the "narrative" part of your brain.
Third, ask small questions. You don't have to tackle the big secret head-on. If the taboo is a family member’s addiction, you don't start by demanding a confession. You might start by asking about a related, smaller truth. You’re testing the waters. You’re seeing if the wall has any cracks.
Why Some Things Should Stay Unsaid
Now, look, I’m not saying we should all be "oversharers."
There is a difference between a toxic secret and a private boundary. Not everything needs to be public. Privacy is a right. Secrecy is a burden. The difference usually lies in the intent. Is the silence meant to protect someone's dignity, or is it meant to control someone's perception of reality?
If it’s about control, it’s a problem.
What Actually Happens When You Finally Talk?
It’s usually... underwhelming.
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Not the reaction—the reaction can be huge. But the "thing" itself. Once the words are out in the air, they become just words. They lose that heavy, vibrating, supernatural power they had when they were trapped in your head.
I’ve seen families finally talk about the "secret" uncle and realize that everyone already knew. They were all just waiting for someone else to say it first. They’d spent thirty years being exhausted for no reason.
When you stop saying we don't talk about it, you regain all that energy you were using to maintain the wall. You can use it for something else. Like actually living.
Practical Steps for Navigating "Taboo" Conversations
If you are ready to poke the elephant, here is how you do it without getting stepped on.
- Check your "why." Are you bringing this up to heal, or are you doing it to punish someone? If it’s punishment, wait. It’ll just make the wall thicker.
- Choose the "low-stakes" time. Don't bring up the major family trauma at a wedding. Or at 2:00 AM after three drinks. Pick a Tuesday afternoon. Pick a walk in the park. Movement helps lower the intensity of the conversation.
- Use "I" statements, for real. "I feel weird that we never mention Dad’s first marriage" sounds a lot better than "You guys are all lying about Dad’s first marriage."
- Be prepared for pushback. People like their walls. They feel safe behind them. If you try to pull a brick out, they might get angry. That’s okay. It’s a natural reaction to fear.
- Accept that you might be the only one ready. Sometimes, you’ll speak the truth and everyone else will just stare at you and go back to eating their mashed potatoes. You can't force them to talk. But once you’ve said it, you’re no longer a prisoner of the silence.
The most important thing to remember is that the phrase we don't talk about it is usually a sign of where the most growth needs to happen. It’s a map. The "off-limits" zones are exactly where the treasure—and the healing—is buried.
Stop carrying the weight of things that aren't yours to hide.
Start by finding one person you trust. Tell them one small truth that you’ve been holding back. See how it feels. Chances are, the world won't end. In fact, for the first time in a long time, you might actually be able to breathe.
Moving Toward Radical Transparency
The goal isn't to live a life with zero secrets. That's impossible and honestly kind of annoying. The goal is to live a life where you aren't scared of what might happen if the truth comes out.
When you shift from a "we don't talk about it" mindset to a "we handle what comes up" mindset, your entire nervous system relaxes. You become more resilient. You realize that the "scary" topic is just a set of facts, and facts can be managed. Silences, on the other hand, can only be endured.
If you're feeling the weight of a shared silence right now, take a minute to ask yourself who that silence is actually serving. If the answer is "nobody," it might be time to find your voice.