If you spend five minutes scrolling through TikTok or Reddit, you’ll see the same exhausted refrain: dating is a dumpster fire. Specifically, the "hookup" part. People are lonely, but they’re also bored. They’re "getting their needs met" physically, yet leaving the bedroom feeling like they just finished a long, pointless shift at a retail job. It makes you wonder: was casual sex always this bad, or did we just break something along the way?
Honestly, the nostalgia for the "sexual revolution" of the 60s and 70s makes it look like a nonstop party of liberation. We imagine a world of bell-bottoms and carefree encounters. But history is rarely that clean. What we’re feeling now—that distinct "ick" after a lackluster Hinge date—isn't necessarily because casual sex used to be better. It's because the context has shifted entirely. We’ve turned a human instinct into a logistics problem.
The Myth of the Golden Age of Hooking Up
Most people look back at the 1970s as the peak of sexual freedom. They think of Studio 54 or the "Summer of Love." But if you actually read the sociological work from that era, like Shere Hite’s famous The Hite Report (1976), you’ll see that women, in particular, were already complaining that the "revolution" felt a lot like more work for them. They were expected to be "available" and "liberated," but the actual quality of the sex was, well, pretty mediocre.
Casual sex wasn't "better" back then in terms of technique or satisfaction. It was just newer. There was a political charge to it. Every encounter felt like a middle finger to the rigid 1950s nuclear family structure. Today, that rebellion is gone. Having a casual encounter isn't a political statement anymore. It’s just Tuesday.
When you strip away the "rebellion" aspect, you’re left with the act itself. And without a connection or a clear "why," the act can feel incredibly thin. Was casual sex always this bad? For many, yes. We just didn't have the internet to crowdsource our collective disappointment.
The Efficiency Trap and the "Gamification" of People
Here is where it actually did get worse: the apps.
We used to meet people in "third places." Bars, concerts, friends' parties, even the laundromat. There was a preamble. You saw how someone moved, how they smelled, how they treated the bartender. There was a "vibe check" that happened naturally over the course of an hour or two.
Now? We’ve optimized that out of existence.
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Apps like Tinder and Bumble have turned human beings into a deck of cards. You’re not looking for a person; you’re looking for a profile that fits a specific set of criteria. This "efficiency" creates a paradox. According to psychologist Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, having more options actually makes us less satisfied with the choice we finally make. We’re always wondering if the next swipe would have been better.
This translates directly to the bedroom. If you view your partner as a disposable commodity from an app, you’re less likely to invest the effort required to make the sex actually good. Communication is the first thing to go. Why tell someone what you like when you can just find someone else tomorrow?
The Performance Pressure
We also have to talk about the "Instagrammification" of intimacy. We are more aware than ever of how we’re supposed to look and act. Pornography, while more accessible, has created a bizarre "script" for casual sex that many people feel they have to follow. It’s performative.
People are often so focused on "performing" sex—trying to look like a certain aesthetic or hit certain "moves"—that they completely lose the sensory experience. It’s hard to have good sex when you’re worried about your camera angles or whether you’re being "chill" enough.
Why Modern Casual Sex Feels Like a Chore
There’s a term in sociology called "sexual citizenship." It’s the idea that we all have a right to sexual agency and safety. But in our current era, we’ve leaned so hard into "agency" that we’ve forgotten about "mutuality."
- The "Cool Girl/Guy" Fallacy: There is a massive social pressure to be the person who "doesn't catch feelings." This creates a defensive wall. You can’t be vulnerable if you’re trying to prove you don't care.
- The End of Aftercare: Casual sex has become so transactional that the "exit strategy" is often more planned than the actual sex. Leaving immediately—the "ghosting" of the physical world—leaves people feeling used rather than satisfied.
- The Dopamine Burnout: We are overstimulated. Between short-form video, endless scrolling, and instant gratification, our brains are fried. A casual encounter often struggles to compete with the high-speed dopamine hits we get from our phones.
Is it any wonder we’re asking if it was always this bad? We are trying to find a deeply human, oxytocin-heavy connection in a system designed for high-speed, low-effort transactions. It’s a hardware-software mismatch.
The Gender Satisfaction Gap
We can't ignore the data here. Studies, including research by Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues in the American Sociological Review, consistently show a massive "orgasm gap" in casual encounters compared to committed relationships.
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Women are significantly less likely to reach climax during a hookup than they are with a regular partner. Why? Because a regular partner knows what they like. A regular partner is invested in their pleasure. In a one-off casual encounter, the "social script" often defaults to male-centric pleasure.
So, for roughly half the population, casual sex has statistically always been a bit of a gamble, often with poor odds. The difference now is that we’re talking about it. We’re acknowledging that "liberation" doesn't mean much if you’re not actually enjoying yourself.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Make it Not "Bad"
If you’re tired of the hollow feeling, you don't necessarily have to give up casual sex and join a monastery. You just have to change the "operating system" you're using.
Prioritize Radical Honesty
The biggest killer of good sex is the "fear of being weird." If you want something specific, say it. If you aren't feeling it halfway through, stop. The "badness" of casual sex often stems from people going through the motions because they feel they "should" finish.
Slow the Process Down
Stop treating the "meet" like a business transaction. If you meet someone on an app, have a real conversation first. Vet the vibe. If the "vibe" isn't there in person, don't feel obligated to go home with them just because you both swiped right.
Reclaim the "Human" Element
Acknowledge that this is another person. Even if it’s a one-time thing, the "human" part—the talking, the laughing, the glass of water afterward—is what prevents the "hollow" feeling. It’s possible to have a casual encounter that is respectful and warm without it needing to turn into a marriage proposal.
Audit Your "Why"
Why are you doing it? Are you doing it because you’re horny and genuinely want to share that energy with someone? Or are you doing it because you’re bored, lonely, or feel like you "should" be "out there"? If the "why" is boredom or a need for external validation, the sex will almost always be bad. Every single time.
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Moving Forward With Intent
The reality is that was casual sex always this bad is the wrong question. The right question is: "Why am I settling for bad sex?"
We live in an era where we have more freedom than any generation before us. We aren't bound by the same social stigmas. But freedom without intention is just chaos. If casual sex feels bad, it’s usually because it’s lacking the one thing that makes sex good: presence.
Stop swiping like you’re ordering pizza. Start looking at intimacy—even the casual kind—as something that requires a bit of soul, a bit of humor, and a lot of communication. If the person you’re with can’t handle a basic conversation about what feels good, they shouldn't be in your bed anyway.
If you want to change your experience, start by deleting the apps for a month. See how your brain resets. Re-learn what it feels like to actually want someone, rather than just being bored by them. The quality of your sex life is directly tied to the quality of your boundaries. Set them higher.
To actually improve your experiences, try these steps:
- Define your "Hard No's" before you even open a dating app. If you know your boundaries, you won't bypass them in the heat of the moment.
- Focus on "Sober Intimacy." Try to ensure your first few encounters with someone aren't fueled entirely by alcohol; it helps you actually gauge if there is physical chemistry.
- Practice "The Check-In." During the act, a simple "Do you like this?" or "Is this okay?" changes the dynamic from a performance to a shared experience.
Casual sex isn't inherently broken. Our approach to it is. By slowing down and demanding a bit more "humanity" in our "hookups," we can move past the burnout and actually find the enjoyment we were promised.