If you’ve spent any time around members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you’ve probably heard the term "Law of Chastity." It’s a big deal. For many outside the faith—and even some inside it—the strict stance on sex before marriage LDS standards can seem like a relic of a bygone era. It’s a sharp contrast to a world where "hookup culture" is basically the default setting on every dating app.
But for Latter-day Saints, this isn't just about a list of "thou shalt nots."
It’s about a specific theology of the body. You see, the Church teaches that the power to create life is a godlike attribute. Because of that, they believe it’s meant to be guarded with a level of intensity that often baffles the casual observer. It isn’t just about "waiting." It's about what they call "sacred procreative powers."
What the Law of Chastity Actually Requires
Let’s get the definitions out of the way. The Law of Chastity is pretty straightforward on paper: no sexual relations outside of a legal marriage between a man and a woman. Period.
It’s not just about the "final act," either. Church leaders, from the late President Spencer W. Kimball to current apostles like Elder David A. Bednar, have been very clear that this includes anything that arouses those specific feelings. We’re talking about passionate kissing, "heavy petting," or any kind of sexual intimacy before the wedding. Honestly, it’s a high bar.
In his book The Miracle of Forgiveness, which was a staple for decades, Kimball wrote extensively about the gravity of sexual sin. While the Church has shifted toward a more hope-centered tone in recent years, the core doctrine hasn't budged an inch. If you’re a practicing member, you're expected to stay "morally clean."
This isn't just a social suggestion. It’s a requirement for entering the temple.
To go inside an LDS temple, members have to pass a "Temple Recommend Interview." One of the questions specifically asks if they live the Law of Chastity. If the answer is no, the recommend is held back until they go through a repentance process with their Bishop. It’s a gatekeeping mechanism that ensures the community stays aligned with its highest covenants.
Why Does the Church Care So Much?
You might wonder why a modern religion is so obsessed with what people do in their bedrooms. The answer lies in the LDS "Plan of Salvation."
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In this worldview, our bodies aren't just biological machines. They are gifts from God. The ability to bring a soul into the world is considered the most sacred power a human can possess. Therefore, using that power outside of a committed, eternal covenant is seen as a form of spiritual "identity theft." It’s using a divine tool for a temporary purpose.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a famous talk at BYU titled "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." He argued that human intimacy is a "sacrament"—a symbolic gesture of total union. If you give the physical union without the total life commitment, you're essentially telling a lie with your body. That’s a heavy concept. It moves the conversation from "strict rules" to "sacred integrity."
People often struggle with this. It's hard.
Staying abstinent in your twenties is a massive challenge. Many young adults in the Church deal with significant guilt if they slip up. The "shame culture" is a real thing that the Church is trying to address, moving the focus toward the Atonement of Jesus Christ rather than just the "sin" itself.
The Cultural Reality of Dating as a Latter-day Saint
Dating in the Church is unique. It’s fast. Because of the emphasis on avoiding sex before marriage LDS circles, there is an unspoken pressure to marry young.
If you can’t have sex until you’re married, and you really want to have sex, the logical conclusion is to get married as soon as possible. This leads to the "Nuptial Speedrun" phenomenon often seen at BYU in Provo or BYU-Idaho. You meet in September, engaged by November, married by February.
It’s a double-edged sword.
On one hand, you have couples building lives together from a young age with shared values. On the other, you have people making life-altering decisions under the influence of raging hormones. Researchers like Jason Carroll at BYU’s School of Family Life have studied these patterns extensively. He’s noted that while "delayed" marriage is the national trend, LDS members still tend to marry significantly earlier than the U.S. average.
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- Average US marriage age: 28–30
- Common LDS marriage age: 21–24
Is it perfect? No. But for those who make it work, the shared commitment to the Law of Chastity often creates a foundation of trust. If you know your partner waited for you, the logic goes, you know they can keep a promise.
Misconceptions and the "Soaking" Myth
We have to talk about the weird stuff. If you spend five minutes on TikTok or Reddit looking up sex before marriage LDS topics, you’ll find "soaking."
For the uninitiated, "soaking" is the alleged practice where a couple engages in penetration but doesn't move, sometimes having a third party jump on the bed (called "jump humping") to create friction without the couple technically "having sex."
Here is the reality: Most active, believing members of the Church find this hilarious, horrifying, or both. There is zero evidence that this is a widespread or "approved" loophole. In fact, if a Bishop heard a couple was doing this, they would be treated exactly as if they had had full intercourse. It’s an internet urban legend that has gained a life of its own because it sounds so bizarre.
The real struggle isn't finding loopholes. It's the "Mormon Shoulder"—the anxiety of whether a long hug lasted too long or if a movie night got too cuddly.
The Mental Health and Relationship Impact
There is a lot of debate about the psychological impact of this doctrine.
Some therapists, particularly those who work with "post-Mormons," argue that the strict focus on chastity leads to sexual dysfunction later in marriage. If you’ve spent 25 years training your brain to believe that "sex is bad and scary," it’s hard to flip a switch on your wedding night and suddenly believe "sex is beautiful and encouraged."
This is often called "Sexual Communication Anxiety."
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However, there’s another side. Some studies suggest that "relationship inertia"—where couples slide into marriage simply because they already live together and share a dog—is lower in the LDS community. Because there is a clear "threshold" (marriage) before intimacy, the decision to commit is often more intentional.
A 2010 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who waited until marriage to have sex reported higher relationship satisfaction and better communication than those who didn't. This wasn't exclusive to LDS people, but the Church definitely uses this kind of data to support its stance.
Repentance and Moving Forward
What happens if someone slips up? In the LDS faith, it’s not the end of the world, but it does require a process.
It usually involves talking to a Bishop. For many, this is the most terrifying part of being a young adult in the Church. The process isn't meant to be a "punishment," though it can feel that way. It’s viewed as a "cleansing." It usually involves a period of not taking the Sacrament (the bread and water on Sundays) and focusing on personal prayer and study.
The goal is to get back to a place where they feel "worthy."
That word—worthy—carries a lot of weight. To some, it’s a beautiful goal. To others, it’s a source of deep-seated anxiety. The Church’s handbook is very specific about these things, but a lot depends on the individual Bishop. Some are incredibly compassionate; others can be more rigid.
Practical Insights for Navigating the Standard
If you are trying to live this standard, or if you are dating someone who is, "winging it" usually doesn't work. The environment today is just too sexualized.
- Set boundaries early. You can't decide your limits when you're already in the back of a car at midnight. Successful LDS couples usually talk about their physical boundaries within the first few dates. It's awkward, but it saves a lot of heartache.
- Focus on "The Why." If you're just following a rule to avoid getting in trouble, you'll eventually resent it. The people who find peace with the Law of Chastity are usually those who view it as a personal gift to their future spouse.
- Understand the difference between "temptation" and "sin." Feeling attracted to someone is biological. It's normal. One of the biggest mistakes young Latter-day Saints make is thinking they are "bad" just because they have natural desires.
- Avoid the "Shame Spiral." If a mistake happens, the worst thing to do is distance yourself from your support system. The Church teaches that the Atonement is infinite, which technically includes "bedroom" mistakes too.
The stance on sex before marriage LDS members hold is one of the most visible markers of their faith. It sets them apart. Whether you see it as a beautiful devotion to sacred covenants or an outdated restriction, it remains a cornerstone of the Latter-day Saint experience. It shapes how they date, how they marry, and how they view their very existence.
It’s about a belief that some things are worth the wait, no matter how loud the rest of the world gets. In a society that pushes for instant gratification, choosing to wait is a radical act of faith. It’s a commitment to a future that hasn't arrived yet, built on the hope that the "sacred" is better than the "now."