It starts with a rush that feels like destiny, but it ends in a loop you can't seem to quit. You know the one. It’s that agonizing "push-pull" where one minute you’re being treated like royalty and the next you’re being ghosted or criticized for the way you breathe. People call it "toxic," but that word is too small for this. Honestly, what you’re likely experiencing is trauma bonding in relationships, a psychological anchor that makes leaving a harmful person feel physically impossible. It isn’t about being "weak" or "addicted to drama." It is a biological response to intermittent reinforcement.
Think about a slot machine. If it paid out every single time, you’d get bored. If it never paid out, you’d walk away in five minutes. But if it pays out just often enough—unexpectedly—you’ll sit there until your bank account is dry. That is the engine behind a trauma bond. It’s a survival mechanism gone haywire.
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The Chemistry of Why You’re Stuck
Psychologist Patrick Carnes, who actually coined the term "betrayal bond" back in the 90s, describes this as a highly addictive state. Your brain is literally being rewired by the highs and lows. When things are good, your system is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. It feels like a drug. Then, when the "devaluation" phase hits—the screaming, the silent treatment, the lies—your body spikes with cortisol and adrenaline. You are in fight-or-flight mode.
Then comes the "hoovering."
The partner returns with an apology, a gift, or just a sudden return to kindness. Suddenly, that spike of relief provides a massive hit of dopamine that is more powerful than a "normal" healthy relationship could ever produce. You’re hooked. You aren't just in love; you are biochemically bonded to your "captor."
It is a paradox. The person causing the pain becomes the only person you believe can soothe it. This is why you find yourself defending them to your friends. You say things like, "They had a hard childhood," or "You just don't see the side of them I see." You're not lying. You’re just operating under a distorted reality caused by cognitive dissonance.
Identifying the Seven Stages
Trauma bonding in relationships doesn't happen overnight. It’s a slow burn. Dr. Elinor Greenberg, a therapist specializing in personality disorders, often notes how subtle the "love bombing" stage can be.
- Love Bombing: This is the "soulmate" phase. They want to be with you 24/7. They tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear. It’s intense. It’s fast. It’s overwhelming.
- Trust and Dependency: You start relying on them for emotional validation. You think, Finally, someone who gets me.
- The First "Slip": A small criticism. A weird comment. You brush it off because you have so much "good" banked.
- Gaslighting: They do something wrong, but somehow it’s your fault. You start doubting your own memory.
- Resignation: You start "walking on eggshells" to avoid the next explosion.
- Loss of Self: Your hobbies, friends, and personality start to fade. You exist only to keep the peace.
- The Addiction: This is the full-blown bond. Even when they hurt you, you crave their presence for the relief it brings.
Real-World Nuance: It’s Not Just "Abuse"
We need to be clear here: trauma bonding isn't always about physical violence. In fact, some of the strongest bonds are formed through purely emotional or psychological manipulation. You might see this in relationships where one partner uses "vulnerability" as a weapon. They share a deep trauma, making you feel like their "savior," only to use that same intimacy to shame you later.
It’s confusing. It’s messy.
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Dr. Judith Herman, in her seminal work Trauma and Recovery, points out that the power imbalance is the key ingredient. If there is a perceived or real power gap, the bond tightens. This happens in cults. It happens in hostage situations (Stockholm Syndrome). And it happens in suburban living rooms every single day.
People stay. They stay for years. Sometimes decades.
Why "Just Leaving" Isn't Simple
If you’ve ever told a friend in a trauma bond to "just leave," you’ve probably realized it doesn’t work. It’s like telling a smoker to just stop wanting nicotine while they’re holding a lit cigarette. The withdrawal is physical. When the bond is severed, the victim often experiences symptoms similar to drug withdrawal: nausea, tremors, extreme anxiety, and obsessive thoughts.
The brain's prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for logic—basically goes offline. The amygdala, the emotional center, takes the wheel. You can't "logic" your way out of a biological hijack.
Furthermore, the "Stockholm" element means the victim has been trained to see the world through the perpetrator’s eyes. You start to believe their critiques. You think you’re lucky they stay with you. This isn't a lack of intelligence. It's a survival strategy. If you can please the person who is hurting you, maybe the hurting will stop.
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Breaking the Cycle: Practical Steps
Recovery from trauma bonding in relationships requires more than just a breakup. It requires a detox. You have to treat yourself like someone recovering from a physiological addiction.
1. The "No Contact" Rule (Strictly)
This isn't about being petty. It’s about letting your nervous system settle. Every time you check their Instagram or answer a text, you trigger a "micro-hit" of that addictive cycle. You need total silence to let the cortisol levels drop and the dopamine receptors reset. If you have kids and can't go full "No Contact," use "Grey Rock" methods—be as boring and unreactive as a grey rock. Short, factual answers. No emotion.
2. Radical Reality Testing
Keep a "Truth Journal." Write down exactly what happened. Not the "nice" version you tell your mom. Write: "On Tuesday, they called me a failure and threw a glass." Read it when you feel the urge to reach out. This helps combat the "euphoric recall" where your brain tries to only remember the love-bombing phase.
3. Somatic Regulation
Since the bond is held in the body, you have to heal the body. Things like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy are highly effective for trauma bonds. It helps uncouple the emotional charge from the memory. Breathwork, yoga, and even weighted blankets can help calm the "alarm" system that’s been ringing in your chest for months.
4. Build a "Shadow Cabinet"
You need two or three people who know the whole truth. These are the people you call when you’re about to text your ex. They hold the "memory" for you when your brain starts to get foggy. They remind you why you left.
5. Forgive Your Younger Self
Stop calling yourself stupid. You weren't stupid; you were human. Your brain did exactly what it was evolved to do: it tried to find safety in a dangerous situation by bonding to the source of the danger. Acknowledge the "inner child" who just wanted to be loved and tell them it’s okay to be safe now.
Recovery is not a straight line. You will have days where you miss them so much it hurts to breathe. That’s the bond talking. It’s a ghost in the machine. Acknowledge the feeling, but don't act on it. Over time, the silence becomes less scary and more like peace. You start to remember who you were before the love bombing began. That person is still there. They’re just waiting for the noise to stop.