You’re sitting on the couch, the blue light of your phone hitting your face at 11:42 PM, and there it is. A notification. Your heart does that weird, uncomfortable thud against your ribs. It’s one of those toxic texts from my toxic ex that somehow manages to be both infuriating and addictive at the same time. Why do they do it? Why now? Honestly, the psychology behind that "Hey, I just had a dream about you" text is way more calculated than a simple middle-of-the-night whim.
It's a power move.
Psychologists often refer to this as "hoovering." Like a vacuum, they’re trying to suck you back into the chaos because their own ego needs a top-off. They don't necessarily want you back—they want the reaction they get from you. When you reply, even if it's to tell them to go jump in a lake, they’ve won. They’ve proven they still have a direct line to your nervous system.
The Anatomy of the Digital Hook
Toxic communication isn't always screaming in all caps. Sometimes it’s the "soft" toxic text. This is the one where they bring up a shared memory or ask a mundane question about a sweater they think they left at your place three years ago. It feels innocent. It isn't. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and leading expert on narcissistic abuse, these messages are designed to test your boundaries. They are "feelers" sent out to see if the door is still a crack open.
If you answer the question about the sweater, the next text is about how they saw a movie that reminded them of you. Then it’s a comment about how "no one ever understood me like you did." Suddenly, you're back in the cycle.
Then you have the "Word Salad" texts. These are the long, rambling paragraphs that make absolutely no sense if you actually try to parse the logic. They use circular reasoning, bring up things you did in 2019 to justify something they did yesterday, and leave you feeling dizzy. You spend forty minutes drafting a logical response, only to realize you’re arguing with someone who isn't using logic—they’re using emotional manipulation as a weapon.
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Why our brains crave the chaos
It's actually a physiological thing. When you get a text from a toxic person, your brain releases cortisol—the stress hormone. But if the text is "nice" or "apologetic," you get a hit of dopamine. This creates an intermittent reinforcement schedule, which is the exact same mechanism that makes slot machines so addictive. You keep pulling the lever (checking the phone) hoping for the "good" text, even though you mostly get the "bad" ones.
It’s an addiction. Plain and simple.
Spotting the Patterns Before You Hit Send
You've probably seen the "I'm sorry you feel that way" text. It’s the classic non-apology. It shifts the blame onto your reaction rather than their action. It's a hallmark of toxic texts from my toxic ex because it maintains their "good guy" image while still gaslighting you.
Another big one? The "Emergency" text.
- "My dog is sick."
- "I’m having a hard time."
- "I just needed to tell someone who cares."
This is a play for your empathy. If you’re a kind, empathetic person—which most victims of toxic partners are—you feel a moral obligation to respond. They know this. They are literally weaponizing your kindness against you. It's predatory behavior disguised as vulnerability.
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The reality is that healthy people don't use their exes as emotional support systems, especially if the breakup was messy. They have friends, family, or therapists for that. If they are coming to you, it’s usually because they know you’re the easiest source of "supply" to tap into.
The "No Contact" Rule Isn't Just a Cliche
Everyone tells you to go "No Contact." It sounds easy, but it’s brutally hard. When you block someone, you lose the ability to "monitor" the threat. There’s a weird comfort in knowing what the toxic person is thinking or doing, even if it hurts. Blocking them feels like flying blind.
But you have to realize that every time you read one of those toxic texts from my toxic ex, you are reopening a wound that was trying to scab over. You aren't "gathering information" or "staying informed." You are being retraumatized in small, digital doses.
If you absolutely cannot block them for legal reasons—maybe you share kids or a mortgage—you have to use the "Grey Rock" method.
Being a Grey Rock means being as boring and unreactive as a literal rock.
"Yes."
"No."
"The kids will be ready at 5:00."
No emojis. No explanations. No defending yourself against their accusations. If they text you a three-page essay on why you’re a terrible person, you respond with "Received." It drives them crazy because there’s nothing for them to hook into. They want the fire. Don't give them the oxygen.
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How to handle the "Accidental" text
We’ve all seen the "Oops, that was meant for someone else" text. It’s usually something designed to make you jealous—maybe a dinner reservation or a flirty comment. Honestly, it’s the oldest trick in the book. If they "accidentally" text you, they are 100% doing it on purpose to see if you’ll bite.
The best response is no response.
Literally.
Do not even tell them "I think this was for someone else." Just delete it. By not responding, you send a much more powerful message: "I am not even paying attention to you."
Moving Toward Digital Peace
Recovering from a relationship defined by toxic texts from my toxic ex takes time. You might find yourself hovering over the "unblock" button on a lonely Friday night. That's normal. Your brain is craving the dopamine spike of the drama.
When that happens, you need a "Pattern Interrupter." Call a friend who knows the truth about the relationship. Read a list you’ve written of the five worst things they ever said to you. Remind your nervous system why you left in the first place.
The goal isn't just to stop texting them. The goal is to reach a point where you see a notification from them and feel... nothing. Not anger, not sadness, just a mild sense of "Oh, that again." That's called indifference, and it’s the ultimate end-game.
Actionable Steps for Today
- Change their name in your phone. If you can’t block them, change their contact name to "Do Not Answer" or "Toxic Cycle." It acts as a visual warning before you even read the message.
- Turn off notifications. If you’re co-parenting, use an app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. This moves the conversation out of your personal texting space and into a professional, monitored environment.
- Screenshot and Delete. If you need to keep records for legal reasons, screenshot the toxic messages, upload them to a specific folder in the cloud (or send them to a trusted friend), and then delete the thread from your phone. You don't need that energy sitting in your pocket all day.
- Set a "Response Delay." If you must respond, wait at least four hours. Toxic people thrive on urgency and immediate emotional reactions. By waiting, you reclaim control of the tempo of the conversation.
- Audit your "Digital Leaks." Check if they still have access to your location, your Netflix account, or shared calendars. These are all ways they can "text" you without actually sending a message, just to let you know they’re still watching.
Breaking the cycle of toxic communication is about more than just hitting delete. It’s about deciding that your peace of mind is worth more than the temporary rush of a drama-filled notification. It starts with one ignored text. Then another. Eventually, the silence becomes the most beautiful thing you've ever heard.