You’ve heard it at a brunch table. Or maybe you’ve screamed it into a pillow after a third consecutive "ghosting" incident. The phrase todos los hombres son iguales is a cultural staple, a verbal shrug that summarizes a world of dating frustration. But honestly, is there any truth to it, or is it just a defense mechanism we use to keep from getting our hearts thrashed again?
It’s complicated.
When people say todos los hombres son iguales, they aren't usually talking about height, career choices, or whether the guy likes pineapple on pizza. They are talking about patterns. They're talking about that specific brand of emotional unavailability or the "u up?" text at 2 AM. It feels like a universal constant, like gravity or the fact that charger cables always tangle themselves in your pocket.
The Psychology of Generalization
Why do our brains do this? Humans are wired to find patterns. It’s a survival trait. If a prehistoric human saw three tigers and all of them tried to eat him, he didn't wait for the fourth tiger to "prove himself." He just assumed all tigers were dangerous. In modern dating, if you encounter three guys who are afraid of commitment, your brain screams that todos los hombres son iguales to protect you from the fourth one.
Psychologists call this "overgeneralization." It’s a cognitive distortion. According to Dr. Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy, this happens when we take a single negative event and see it as a never-ending pattern of defeat. When you’re hurt, your brain stops looking for nuances. It looks for safety.
But there’s also the "Availability Heuristic." This is a fancy way of saying we judge the probability of things based on how easily examples come to mind. If your TikTok feed is full of "story times" about terrible exes, and your best friend just got cheated on, your brain decides that bad behavior is the only thing that exists. It’s loud. It’s visible. The guys who are actually decent, communicative, and doing their laundry on time don't usually make for viral content, so they disappear from the narrative.
📖 Related: Hairstyles for women over 50 with round faces: What your stylist isn't telling you
Social Conditioning and the "Man Box"
Let's look at the sociological side. Is it possible that society actually tries to make them all the same?
The "Man Box" is a concept frequently discussed by sociologists like Tony Porter. It refers to the rigid set of expectations placed on men: don't show emotion, be the provider, be dominant, and never show weakness. When a large group of people is raised with the same "instruction manual," they tend to exhibit similar behaviors. This isn't biological; it's a script.
If we see a pattern where men struggle to talk about their feelings, it’s often because they were told from age five that "boys don't cry." When we say todos los hombres son iguales, we might actually be observing the results of a very specific type of upbringing that prizes stoicism over connection.
Interestingly, researchers like Dr. Brené Brown have spent decades looking at shame and vulnerability. Her work suggests that men face a different kind of shame than women. While women are often shamed for not "doing it all," men are shamed for being perceived as weak. This fear of being seen as "less than" leads to the defensive, distant behavior that many people encounter in the dating pool. It’s not that they are identical clones; it’s that they are often reacting to the same social pressures.
The Role of Dating Apps in the Todos Los Hombres Son Iguales Myth
The digital age changed everything.
👉 See also: How to Sign Someone Up for Scientology: What Actually Happens and What You Need to Know
If you feel like todos los hombres son iguales, look at your phone. Dating apps have turned human connection into a supermarket experience. When you have an infinite scroll of faces, people become "disposable." This isn't a "man" problem; it's a "platform" problem. However, the way men are often socialized to approach dating—as a numbers game or a pursuit—interacts with these apps in a way that creates a very repetitive experience for the people on the receiving end.
A study from the Pew Research Center found that women are significantly more likely than men to say they have been harassed on dating sites or sent unsolicited images. When these negative experiences become the "norm," the phrase todos los hombres son iguales feels less like an exaggeration and more like a statistical report.
Biology vs. Personality
Are there actual biological differences? Sure. Testosterone exists. But does it make every man act the same? Absolutely not.
Neuroscience shows us that brain plasticity—the brain's ability to change and adapt—is far more significant than any minor "pink vs. blue" brain differences. In his book Testosterone Rex, Dr. Cordelia Fine argues that the idea of "hardwired" gender differences is largely a myth. We aren't born with a "bad at texting" gene or a "fear of marriage" chromosome.
Personality is a mix of the "Big Five" traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. Men are spread across the entire spectrum of these traits. You’ll find men who are highly neurotic and anxious, and men who are incredibly "chill." You’ll find men who are obsessed with order and men who live in chaos. The idea that they are all "the same" falls apart the moment you look at personality data.
✨ Don't miss: Wire brush for cleaning: What most people get wrong about choosing the right bristles
Breaking the Cycle of the "Same Guy"
If you keep ending up with the same person in a different body, it might not be a conspiracy of the universe. It might be your "picker."
We often subconsciously choose people who feel familiar, even if that familiarity is painful. If you grew up with a distant father, you might find yourself attracted to distant men because that's what "love" feels like to your nervous system. You aren't meeting the same man; you are choosing the same vibe.
Breaking this cycle requires a lot of self-reflection. It means asking why "nice" guys feel "boring." Often, "boring" is just the absence of the anxiety we’ve mistaken for passion. When the drama is gone, we don't know what to do with ourselves.
Actionable Steps for Changing the Narrative
So, how do you move past the todos los hombres son iguales mindset? It’s not about being "delusional" or ignoring red flags. It’s about recalibrating your perspective.
- Audit your circle. If your friends only talk about how much they hate men, you’re going to hate men. Negativity is contagious. Try to spend time with people who have healthy, functional relationships. They do exist. Seeing it in person makes it feel possible.
- Change the "Algorithm." This applies to your real life and your literal social media. Stop engaging with content that feeds the "gender war." The more you click on "why men suck" videos, the more the internet will feed them to you, reinforcing your bias.
- Look for the "Exceptions." Start actively noticing men who don't fit the stereotype. The guy who stays late to help his mom, the friend who is a great dad, the coworker who actually listens. When you stop looking for the "bad guy," the "good guys" start becoming visible.
- Define your "Non-Negotiables." Instead of looking for "a man who isn't like the others," look for specific traits. Do you want someone who is "Agreeable" and "Conscientious"? Screen for those traits early. Don't wait six months to find out he doesn't value what you value.
- Do the "Inner Work." If you find yourself saying todos los hombres son iguales as a way to avoid dating altogether, it might be a protective shield. Therapy can help you figure out if you're using this generalization to keep people at a distance so you don't get hurt.
The phrase is a shield, but a shield also blocks out the sunlight. It’s a way to simplify a complex, messy world. It’s a way to feel like we have control when dating feels like a chaotic lottery. But the truth is, there are billions of men on this planet, each with a unique history, a different set of fears, and a specific way of loving. To say they are all the same is to close the book before you’ve even read the first page.
It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to be tired of the games. But don't let a few bad chapters convince you the whole library is full of the same story.
Real change starts with how we view the world. If you expect everyone to be the same, you'll subconsciously look for evidence to prove yourself right. You'll ignore the guy who is kind because he doesn't fit the "all men are the same" box you've built. Flip the script. Start looking for the nuances. You might find that the world is a lot more diverse—and hopeful—than you thought.