You’re standing in the middle of a Target, or maybe scrolling through a TikTok Shop feed, and you see it. It’s a gadget or a piece of decor that you didn’t know existed five minutes ago. Suddenly, your brain starts screaming that your life is incomplete without it. This isn't just a shopping urge. It’s a philosophical tug-of-war that’s been happening for decades, famously framed by social psychologist Erich Fromm as the struggle to have or to be.
Honestly, it’s a weird way to live. We’ve been conditioned to believe that our value is a collection of receipts. If I have the house, the car, and the specific brand of espresso machine that makes the little pods, then I am successful. But Fromm, writing back in 1976, argued that this "having" mode is actually a fast track to feeling empty. He wasn’t some minimalist influencer trying to sell you a beige aesthetic. He was a guy who survived the rise of consumerism and saw exactly how it was hollowing us out.
When you operate in the having mode, your relationship with the world is one of possession. You want to incorporate things into yourself. You want to own the knowledge, own the person you’re dating, and own the experiences. But when you switch to the being mode? That’s where the real stuff happens. That’s where you’re actually present.
The Difference Between Owning a Moment and Living One
Think about the last concert you went to. Look around. Half the crowd is watching the entire show through a six-inch glass screen. They are desperately trying to "have" the concert. They want the file on their phone. They want the proof. They want to possess the memory so they can show it off later.
The person in the being mode is the one with their phone in their pocket. They’re feeling the bass vibrate in their chest. They might forget the specific setlist in three years, but the experience changed them.
Fromm’s book, To Have or to Be?, breaks this down with scary precision. He suggests that the "having" mode is based on private property and the desire for power. It’s aggressive. If I have something and you don't, I’m "better." But that creates a constant state of anxiety because things can be lost. You can lose your job. Your car can get totaled. Your phone can break. If your entire identity is built on "having," then when the things go away, you go away.
The Consumerism Trap and Our Identity Crisis
We live in a "having" society. It's basically the default setting now. Everything is marketed as a solution to a lack of being. Feeling lonely? Buy this app subscription. Feeling uninspired? Buy this $2,000 laptop. We try to solve internal, "being" problems with external, "having" solutions.
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Marketing experts know this. They don't sell you a car; they sell you the "feeling of freedom." But the trick is that the car only gives you the image of freedom. The actual state of being free is an internal process that doesn't require a monthly payment of $450.
Why Having Makes Us Miserable
There is this thing called the "hedonic treadmill." You’ve probably felt it. You get the thing you wanted, you feel a spike of dopamine for about forty-eight hours, and then your baseline resets. Now you need the next thing.
- Attachment to objects: We start to see ourselves as the sum of our belongings.
- The fear of loss: The more you have, the more you have to defend.
- Social Comparison: Having is competitive. Being isn't. You can't "be" better than someone else in a way that creates a hierarchy, but you can definitely have more money.
Gabriel Marcel, a French philosopher, also touched on this. He talked about "disposability." In a having-centered world, everything—and even everyone—becomes disposable. If a friend doesn't "add value" to your life (a very having-centric phrase), you drop them. We treat people like assets in a portfolio.
Learning to Just Be (Without the Cringe)
The word "being" sounds kinda woo-woo and New Age, but it’s actually quite practical. In the mode of being, the focus is on the process, not the outcome.
If you’re reading a book in the "having" mode, your goal is to finish it. You want to say you’ve read it. You want to put it on your Goodreads list and check the box. If you’re reading in the "being" mode, you’re engaged with the ideas. You’re arguing with the author in your head. You might spend an hour on three pages because those pages actually made you think.
Modern productivity culture is the enemy of being. We are told to "optimize" our sleep, our workouts, and our hobbies. If you’re hiking just to get your heart rate data on your Apple Watch, you’re in the having mode. You’re "having" a workout. If you’re hiking because the woods are beautiful and you feel alive, you’re "being."
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The Psychological Cost of "Having" Knowledge
This is a big one for the internet age. We have access to all the information in the world. We "have" Wikipedia. We "have" AI tools. But do we actually know anything?
Fromm argued that having knowledge is just possessing data. You can recite facts. You can pass a test. But "being" in knowledge means you’ve internalized it. It has changed how you see the world.
Think about the difference between someone who has memorized a recipe and a chef who understands how heat and acid interact. The person with the recipe is lost if they’re missing one ingredient. The person who is a cook can walk into any kitchen and make something delicious. They don't "have" the skill; they are the skill.
How to Shift Your Perspective Today
It’s not like you can just stop owning things. We live in a physical world. You need a roof and clothes. The goal isn't to become a monk; it’s to change your relationship with what you own.
Stop asking "What do I want to have?" and start asking "Who do I want to be?"
If you want to be a writer, stop worrying about having the perfect desk or the "Pro" version of a writing software. Just write. The act of writing is being. The collection of notebooks on your shelf is having. One of those things makes you a writer; the other just makes you a person with a lot of paper.
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Tangible Steps Toward the Being Mode
- Audit your "Whys": Before you buy something, ask if you're trying to buy a personality trait. Are you buying those running shoes because you want to run, or because you want to "have" the identity of a runner?
- Practice un-captured moments: Go for a walk or to a dinner and leave your phone in the car. Resist the urge to document. Experience the moment without the intent to possess it as a digital file.
- Focus on verbs, not nouns: Instead of saying "I have a garden," try "I am gardening." It sounds small, but it shifts the focus from the finished product (the noun) to the active experience (the verb).
- Embrace the "dead" time: We usually try to fill every gap in our day by "having" content—podcasts, music, social media. Try sitting for ten minutes with nothing. No input. Just being. It’s uncomfortable as hell at first because it forces you to face yourself without your "possessions."
The Real Power of Being
The most radical thing about the to have or to be distinction is that "being" makes you much harder to control. If you don't need to "have" the latest thing to feel okay, then marketers lose their power over you. If your self-worth isn't tied to your title, then your boss loses their power over you.
Being is active. Having is passive.
When you’re in the mode of being, you’re a participant in your own life. You’re not just a container for stuff or a billboard for brands. It’s a messy, unpredictable, and sometimes difficult way to live because it requires you to actually show up. But honestly? It’s the only way to feel like you’re actually alive instead of just occupying space.
Start by looking at your next big purchase. Ask yourself if it’s an extension of who you are or just a weight you’re planning to carry. The shift from "having" to "being" doesn't happen overnight, but once you start noticing the difference, you can't un-see it. You realize that the best parts of your life—love, joy, curiosity—are things you can never actually own. You can only experience them.
Actionable Insights for a "Being" Focused Life:
- De-clutter with a purpose: Don't just throw things away. Look at an object and ask: "Does this facilitate an activity (being) or am I just keeping it for status/security (having)?" If it doesn't help you do or live, it’s probably dead weight.
- Reframe your goals: Instead of "I want to have a million dollars," reframe it to "I want to be financially secure enough to spend my time on [X activity]." The goal becomes the life you live, not the number you hold.
- Engage in "productive" play: Find a hobby where there is no "score" and no "product." Painting for the sake of the colors, or dancing when you're alone in your kitchen. This is the purest form of being.
- Invest in experiences over things: Science consistently shows that the "happiness" from a trip or a class lasts longer than the happiness from a new couch. Why? Because experiences become part of who you are, whereas things just sit in your house.