Ever walked into a friend’s house and seen a piece of art that made your eyes hurt, yet they’re beaming with pride? We say "to each her own" to keep the peace. It’s the ultimate social lubricant. But honestly, there is a whole lot more going on beneath that shrug than just being polite. It’s about how our brains are literally built to see the world through a different lens than the person standing right next to us.
Individual preference isn't just about being "difficult" or "unique."
It’s biological.
The Science Behind To Each Her Own
We often think of taste as something we pick up from magazines or TikTok trends. That’s only half the story. Dr. Linda Bartoshuk, a pioneer in the study of genetic variation in taste at the University of Florida, found that some people—supertasters—have more fungiform papillae on their tongues. To them, a cup of black coffee doesn't just taste "strong." It tastes like an assault. When we say to each her own in the context of food, we aren’t just talking about picky eaters; we are talking about different sensory realities.
You’ve probably seen the "dress" meme from a few years back. Some saw gold, others saw blue. It broke the internet because it forced us to realize that "objective" reality is a bit of a lie. Our brains post-process visual information based on our past experiences with lighting. If your brain assumes a cool, blue-tinted light, it corrects the image one way. If it assumes warm sunlight, it goes the other way.
This isn't just about colors or flavors. It’s about psychological disposition.
The Big Five personality traits—Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism—play a massive role here. Someone high in "Openness to Experience" will naturally gravitate toward avant-garde jazz or experimental fusion cuisine. Someone low in that trait might find the same things stressful or chaotic. They aren’t "wrong." Their nervous system is just optimized for stability over novelty.
Why We Struggle With Other People's Choices
It’s hard to wrap our heads around someone else’s "bad" taste. We feel a weirdly strong urge to "fix" it. Social psychologists call this the False Consensus Effect. It’s this cognitive bias where we overestimate how much other people share our beliefs, values, and preferences. When someone deviates from our "norm," it creates cognitive dissonance.
Basically, it’s annoying when someone doesn't like what we like because it subtly challenges our own validity.
Take the "minimalist" vs. "maximalist" home decor debate. One person sees a white room and feels peace. Another sees it and feels like they’re in a sterile hospital ward. They need layers, colors, and "clutter" to feel safe. This is often rooted in childhood environments. If you grew up in a chaotic house, you might crave the silence of minimalism. Or, you might find it cold and rejection-heavy.
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The Luxury of Choice
In a weird way, the phrase to each her own is a byproduct of modern wealth. Go back two hundred years. You didn't have "preferences" for your breakfast cereal. You ate what was harvested. The explosion of consumer choice has turned preference into a form of identity.
Psychologist Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, argues that having too many options actually makes us more miserable. But it also makes us more fiercely protective of the choices we do make. We use our preferences as a signaling tool. What you wear, what you listen to, and how you spend your Saturday mornings tells the world which "tribe" you belong to.
When Preference Becomes a Problem
Is there a limit? Of course.
If someone’s "to each her own" involves something that actively harms others, the phrase loses its power. But in the realm of aesthetics, lifestyle, and career paths, we’ve moved toward a more pluralistic society.
Think about the "Quiet Quitting" movement or the "Girlboss" era. These were two diametrically opposed ways of viewing work-life balance. One person finds fulfillment in 80-hour weeks and high-stakes deals; another finds it in a 3 PM finish and a garden. The tension arises when one side tries to claim the moral high ground.
Nuance matters.
A study published in Nature Human Behaviour suggests that our political leanings are actually influenced by our physiological sensitivity to threat. People who are more easily startled by loud noises or sudden images tend to lean toward more conservative, protective social policies. Meanwhile, those with a lower startle response often lean toward more liberal, open-ended policies.
So, when you’re arguing over dinner about a social issue, it’s not just "logic" vs. "logic." It’s often one nervous system talking to another nervous system.
How to Actually Practice "To Each Her Own"
Most people use the phrase as a way to end a conversation they’re tired of. "Yeah, well, to each her own, I guess." It’s often dismissive. But what if we used it as a starting point for curiosity instead of a wall?
If you want to actually get better at navigating a world full of people who don't think like you, try these shifts:
- Ask for the "Why" without judgment. Instead of saying "How can you like that?" try "What’s the best part of that for you?" You’ll usually find a core value (comfort, excitement, nostalgia) that you actually relate to, even if you hate the object itself.
- Recognize the "Ugly" as "Not for Me." There’s a huge difference between saying "that is objectively ugly" and "my brain isn't the target audience for this." It lowers your stress levels.
- Audit your own biases. Why do you like what you like? Is it because you actually enjoy it, or because it’s what people in your social circle are "supposed" to enjoy?
- Stop trying to "convert" people. Whether it’s a keto diet, a specific crypto coin, or a skincare routine, remember that their biology and history are different. What works for your skin chemistry might give them a rash. Literally.
Actionable Insights for Daily Life
To live more harmoniously with the people around you, focus on functional compatibility rather than preference alignment.
You don't need to like the same movies as your partner. You just need to agree on how you choose which movie to watch. You don't need to have the same work style as your colleague; you just need to agree on the deadline.
Understand that when someone says to each her own, they are often asking for space to be themselves without being corrected. Giving that space is one of the easiest ways to build trust.
Next time you see someone doing something that makes zero sense to you—like training for a marathon in the rain or spending thousands on a vintage stamp collection—just remember the fungiform papillae. Their world literally tastes different than yours.
Accepting that reality doesn't make you "weak-willed" or "lacking in standards." It just makes you observant. The world is big enough for your minimalism and their "clutter" to exist at the same time.