Let's be honest for a second. Most people are actually pretty bad at talking about what they want in bed. It’s awkward. We’ve all been there, staring at the ceiling, wondering if mentioning that one specific thing will make the vibe weird or if we should just keep quiet and hope they figure it out through some kind of sexual osmosis. They won't. This is exactly why this or that sex questions have exploded in popularity over the last few years on platforms like TikTok and within modern relationship therapy circles. It’s a low-stakes way to bypass the "we need to talk" dread.
The concept is dead simple. You provide two options. They pick one. You move on.
But there is a psychological layer here that most "viral" lists miss. When you use this format, you aren't just playing a game; you’re engaging in a form of forced-choice preference assessment. This is a tool often used in behavioral psychology to determine hierarchy of reinforcement. Basically, it’s easier for the human brain to choose between two concrete items than it is to answer an open-ended question like "what do you like?" That question is a nightmare. It's too broad. Most people freeze up.
Why "This or That" Actually Works for Couples
If you ask your partner "what's your biggest fantasy?" you’re putting them on the spot. They might feel judged or simply not have an answer ready. However, if you ask "Lights on or lights off?" the barrier to entry is almost zero. It’s accessible.
According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, the vast majority of people have sexual fantasies they’ve never shared with their partners. His research, which involved surveying over 4,000 Americans, found that a lack of communication is the primary bridge between having a fantasy and actually feeling satisfied. Using this or that sex questions acts as a conversational lubricant. It’s a "gamified" version of a consent and preference check.
Think about the difference between these two scenarios:
- "I want to try something new, what do you think about bondage?" (High pressure, potentially confrontational).
- "This or that: Silk ties or handcuffs?" (Playful, hypothetical, exploratory).
One feels like a demand; the other feels like a discovery.
The Categories That Actually Matter
Don't just stick to the boring stuff. If you're going to do this, you have to cover the sensory, the emotional, and the logistical. Most people forget the logistics.
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Sensory Preferences
- Morning sex or late-night sessions?
- Complete silence or a curated playlist?
- Rough textures or satin sheets?
- Total darkness or candles?
Action and Intensity
- Slow and romantic or fast and intense?
- Being in control or giving up control?
- Standard positions or something from a manual?
- Short and sweet or a marathon?
The "Taboo" Scale
- Public risk or bedroom safety?
- Talking dirty or staying quiet?
- Mirrors or no mirrors?
- Roleplay or just being yourselves?
The Science of Sexual Compatibility
Compatibility isn't some magical spark that exists or doesn't. It's built.
In the world of clinical sexology, we often talk about "Spontaneous Desire" vs. "Responsive Desire." This concept, popularized by researchers like Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are, suggests that many people (especially women) don't just "get in the mood" out of nowhere. They need a context. This or that sex questions help define that context. If you find out your partner prefers "weighted blankets and slow movements" over "spontaneous kitchen counter encounters," you’ve just gained a roadmap to their responsive desire triggers.
It’s about reducing the "noise" in the relationship. We spend so much time guessing.
I’ve seen couples who have been married for twenty years discover something new through a simple "this or that" game. One partner might have been performing a certain way because they thought the other person liked it, only to find out they both actually preferred the alternative. That’s a lot of wasted energy.
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Common Misconceptions About These Games
A lot of people think these questions are only for "boring" couples or people in a rut. That's a mistake. Even high-heat relationships benefit from refining the details.
Another misconception? That there has to be a "right" answer. Honestly, the best part of the game is finding the "dealbreakers" or the "hard nos" in a way that doesn't feel like a rejection. If you ask "Anal or oral?" and they immediately say "Oral, no question," you’ve established a boundary without it being a big, heavy discussion. It's just a data point.
How to Introduce This Without Being Weird
Timing is everything. Do not start firing off this or that sex questions while your partner is trying to finish a work email or while they’re stressed about the mortgage.
The best way to do it is during a "liminal" space. In a car ride. On a walk. Over a drink. You start with non-sexual ones. "Pizza or tacos?" "Beach or mountains?" Then you pivot. "Okay, let's get spicy. Morning or night?"
If they hesitate, tell them there are no wrong answers. It’s just a vibe check.
Real-World Examples of Results
I recall a case study (names changed for privacy) where Sarah and Mark used a deck of these questions. Mark always assumed Sarah wanted "more" of everything—more intensity, more frequency, more toys. When they played a round of "this or that," he discovered she actually craved "more focus" and "less variety." She found the constant introduction of new elements distracting. By narrowing their focus based on her "this or that" answers, their physical connection actually deepened because the "performance" aspect was removed.
Beyond the Basics: Advanced Questions
Once you’ve cleared the "lights on or off" hurdles, you can get into the weeds. This is where the real growth happens.
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- Instruction vs. Intuition: Do you want me to tell you exactly what to do, or do you want to figure it out together?
- Visual vs. Audio: Is it more a turn-on to watch what’s happening, or to hear the sounds of what’s happening?
- Planned vs. Spontaneous: Do you like the anticipation of knowing it’s happening at 9:00 PM, or do you want to be surprised?
- Aftercare Styles: Do you want to cuddle and talk immediately after, or do you need ten minutes of "zoning out" alone?
That last one is huge. Aftercare is a frequently neglected part of the sexual cycle. If one person wants to talk and the other wants to sleep, someone's feelings are getting hurt.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Night In
Don't just read about this and think "cool idea." Actually do it.
First, pick your environment. Somewhere neutral.
Second, set the ground rules. No judging. No "why would you pick that?" Just "got it, noted."
Third, keep it balanced. Don't just grill them. You have to answer too.
If you find a major discrepancy—like one person loves the idea of public play and the other finds it terrifying—don't panic. That’s what compromise or "middle ground" is for. Maybe "public" becomes "the backyard" or "a car in a quiet spot."
The goal of this or that sex questions isn't to find a perfect 1:1 match. It's to map out the terrain so you stop tripping over the same rocks.
Start with five questions tonight. Nothing crazy. Just five. See where the conversation goes. You’ll likely find that the "this" or the "that" is just the starting point for a much more interesting story about why they chose what they chose.
Key Takeaways for Effective Communication:
- Use the "binary choice" method to reduce anxiety around sexual topics.
- Focus on sensory and logistical preferences, not just acts.
- Acknowledge that preferences change over time; a "this" today might be a "that" next year.
- Use the answers to build a "Sexual Profile" for your partner that simplifies your time together.
- Always respect a "neither" if a question hits a hard boundary.