You know that weird, slightly nauseating, yet totally electric feeling where your heart does a literal somersault because someone sent you a "Good morning" text? That's it. That’s the start. Most people call it a crush or catching feelings, but scientists and poets alike have spent centuries trying to figure out why this is falling falling in love and not just a fleeting moment of physical attraction. It’s a messy, biological, and psychological overhaul of your entire system. Honestly, it’s a bit of a miracle we get anything else done when it happens.
It hits differently for everyone. For some, it’s a slow burn, like a pilot light finally catching the rest of the stove. For others, it’s a freight train. There is no "normal" pace, despite what romantic comedies might tell you about meeting cute in a bookstore.
The Neurochemical Soup of New Affection
When you realize this is falling falling in love, your brain isn't just "happy." It’s basically under the influence of a potent pharmaceutical cocktail. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades putting people in fMRI machines to look at their brains in love, found that the ventral tegmental area (VTA) lights up like a Christmas tree. This is the same part of the brain associated with reward, motivation, and—interestingly enough—addiction.
You aren't just liking a person; you are craving them.
The primary culprit here is dopamine. It’s the "feel-good" neurotransmitter that spikes when you’re expecting a reward. When you see their name pop up on your phone, dopamine floods your system. It sharpens your focus. Suddenly, you remember the exact shade of blue they wore three Tuesdays ago, but you can’t remember where you put your car keys. Then there’s norepinephrine, which is basically the body’s version of adrenaline. This is why your palms get sweaty. This is why your heart races. You are literally in a state of physiological stress, but the "good" kind.
The third heavy hitter is serotonin. Paradoxically, serotonin levels actually drop during the early stages of romantic love. This is a fascinatng bit of biology because low serotonin is often linked to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. It explains why you can’t stop re-reading their emails or checking their Instagram story for the fifth time in an hour. You’re not "crazy." Your brain chemistry is just currently skewed toward obsession.
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Why We Project Perfection (The Halo Effect)
We’ve all been there. Your friend starts dating someone new and tells you they’re "perfect." You meet the person and they’re... fine. Maybe a bit loud. Maybe they chew with their mouth open. But your friend is convinced they are a literal saint.
This is the "Halo Effect" in overdrive.
When this is falling falling in love, our brains engage in a bit of creative editing. We amplify the person's positive traits and completely filter out the red flags or annoying habits. Evolutionarily, this makes sense. If we saw someone’s flaws clearly in the first week, we’d probably never stick around long enough to form the deep, stable bond required to raise a child or survive a winter together. We need that initial "blindness" to get through the gates.
It’s a form of positive illusion. Research published in the journal Psychological Science suggests that couples who idealize each other in the beginning often have higher relationship satisfaction years later. So, that weird habit they have of leaving wet towels on the floor? Right now, it’s "eccentric" or "cute." In six months, it might be grounds for a breakup, but for now, the halo is glowing bright.
The Physical Toll: Can You Actually Feel It?
It isn't just in your head. It’s in your gut. The phrase "butterflies in your stomach" isn't just a metaphor; it’s a literal description of the "brain-gut axis" reacting to emotional stimuli. When you’re nervous or excited about someone, your body triggers a mild fight-or-flight response, diverting blood flow away from your digestive system and toward your muscles. That hollow, fluttery feeling is just your stomach wondering where all its blood went.
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Sleep also takes a hit.
You might find yourself staying up until 4:00 AM talking about nothing, only to wake up at 7:00 AM feeling totally energized. This is the hypomania of love. You are running on high-octane emotional fuel. However, this is unsustainable. The body can only handle this level of "high" for so long—usually anywhere from six months to two years—before it shifts into the next phase: attachment.
From Infatuation to Attachment: The Shift
If the first phase is a sprint, the second phase is a marathon. This is where oxytocin and vasopressin come into play. Oxytocin is often called the "cuddle hormone" or the "bonding molecule." It’s released during physical touch, eye contact, and orgasm. It creates a sense of calm, security, and "we-ness."
This transition is where many relationships fail.
When the dopamine levels start to normalize and the "spark" feels less like a lightning strike and more like a warm fireplace, some people panic. They think they’ve "fallen out of love." In reality, they are just transitioning from the volatile state of this is falling falling in love to the more durable state of companionate love. Real intimacy isn't just the excitement of the unknown; it's the comfort of being truly known.
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How to Tell if It’s Real or Just a Projection
It’s hard to be objective when your brain is a soup of dopamine. However, there are a few indicators that what you’re feeling has legs:
- You feel safe, not just anxious. While the "butterflies" are fun, real love usually carries an underlying sense of peace. If you’re constantly walking on eggshells or feeling "high" one minute and "devastated" the next, you might be dealing with an anxious attachment trigger rather than a healthy romance.
- Their "boring" stories are interesting. If you actually care about what they had for lunch or their mundane work drama, that’s a sign of genuine interest in the person, not just the "idea" of them.
- You’re willing to be "ugly." Can you cry in front of them? Can you tell them about the time you failed? Real love requires vulnerability, which is the opposite of the "perfection" we try to project in the early stages.
Navigating the Emotional Turbulence
So, what do you actually do when you realize you're in the thick of it? First, enjoy it. It’s one of the few universally "human" experiences that transcends culture and time. But also, keep one foot on the ground.
Don't make massive life decisions in the first three months. Don't quit your job. Don't move across the country (unless you’ve really, really thought it through). Your judgment is literally impaired right now. It’s like being drunk on a person. You wouldn't sign a mortgage after four tequilas; don't sign one when you're in the "honeymoon" peak of a new relationship.
Actionable Steps for the "Falling" Phase
- Maintain your "Self." It’s easy to merge with a new partner. Make sure you’re still hanging out with your friends and doing your hobbies. Don't let your "I" become "We" too fast.
- Watch for "Love Bombing." If it feels too fast, too intense, and too "perfect," be cautious. Real love takes time to grow. If someone is telling you they love you on the third day, that's usually about their own needs, not who you actually are.
- Check your values early. Chemistry is great, but it won't pay the bills or decide how to raise kids. Talk about the big stuff—money, kids, career goals—before you get too deep.
- Prioritize sleep. It sounds boring, but your brain needs rest to process these intense emotions. Lack of sleep makes you more emotionally volatile, which can lead to unnecessary arguments or overthinking.
Falling in love is a wild, terrifying, beautiful biological imperative. It’s the engine that keeps the species going, but on an individual level, it’s the thing that makes life feel like it’s in technicolor. Just remember that the "falling" part eventually stops. The goal is to land somewhere soft, where you can actually build something that lasts once the dopamine haze clears.
Keep your head. Follow your heart. But maybe keep your calendar updated too. Real love survives the transition from the extraordinary to the ordinary; it's the ability to find the extraordinary in the ordinary that makes it stay.