The stomach drop. That’s usually how it starts. You’re walking away from a conversation at a coffee shop or hanging up a Zoom call, and suddenly, the mental replay begins. You analyze the way they squinted when you made that joke about the weather. You wonder if your "see ya later" sounded too eager or, worse, totally indifferent. It’s a gnawing, low-level hum of "they might not like me," and honestly, it’s one of the most exhausting parts of being human.
We’re wired for this. Back when we were living in small tribal groups, being disliked wasn’t just a bummer; it was a death sentence. If the group didn't like you, they kicked you out, and you became a snack for a saber-toothed cat. Evolution doesn't care about your self-esteem. It cares about your survival. So, your brain treats a perceived slight from a coworker the same way it would treat a physical threat.
The Liking Gap is Real
Here is the weirdest part about that "they might not like me" feeling: you’re probably wrong.
Psychologists call this the "Liking Gap." A 2018 study published in Psychological Science by researchers from Yale, Cornell, and the University of Pennsylvania found that after people meet and talk, they consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them. The researchers followed participants through various social interactions—everything from short laboratory "get-to-know-you" chats to actual college dorm roommates.
The results were wild. Almost every single person thought their partner liked them less than the partner actually did. We are our own worst critics. While you are spiraling about that weird thing you said about your cat, the other person is busy spiraling about the weird thing they said about their lunch. We’re all so wrapped up in our own internal monologues that we miss the fact that most people are actually quite kind in their assessments of us.
Why Your Brain Lies to You
Negative bias is a jerk. It’s a cognitive distortion that makes us focus on one tiny negative detail while ignoring a mountain of positive evidence.
Imagine you’re at a party. You talk to ten people. Nine of them laugh, engage, and swap numbers with you. One person looks at their watch and leaves the conversation early. When you get home, which one do you think about? Exactly. You’ll spend three hours wondering why that one person didn’t like you.
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This often stems from "Spotlight Effect." We think there is a giant neon light pointing at our flaws. In reality, everyone else is too busy worrying about their own spotlight to notice yours. Nicholas Epley, a professor at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, has done extensive work on this. He suggests that we simply cannot step out of our own heads to see ourselves as others see us. We have all the "backstage" info on our own insecurities, but we only see the "front-of-house" performance of everyone else.
Social Anxiety vs. Reality
Sometimes, "they might not like me" isn't just a fleeting thought; it’s a symptom of social anxiety disorder (SAD).
For someone with clinical social anxiety, the fear of being judged or disliked is paralyzing. It’s not just "I hope they like me." It’s "They definitely hate me, and I shouldn't have come." This is where the brain starts using safety behaviors. You might check your phone constantly to look busy, or you might over-prepare what you’re going to say.
The irony? These safety behaviors can actually make you seem distant or uninterested, which might lead people to—you guessed it—interact with you less. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you’re being rejected, you might inadvertently push people away.
Signs You’re Overthinking It
How do you know if it's just in your head?
Look for the "Mind Reading" trap. Are you assuming you know what they’re thinking without any evidence? If your evidence is "they didn't use an emoji in that text," you’re mind-reading.
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Consider the "Transparency Illusion." This is the belief that your internal state is visible to everyone else. You feel like a nervous wreck, so you assume you look like a nervous wreck. But usually, people can't see the racing heart or the sweaty palms. You likely look perfectly normal.
Also, think about your own standards. Do you like everyone you meet? Probably not. Sometimes there just isn't "vibe" compatibility. That’s okay. Being disliked by someone doesn't mean you’re unlikeable. It just means you aren't for them. And that is a huge distinction.
The Power of Being "Fine" With It
There is a certain level of freedom that comes with accepting that, yeah, some people might not like you.
In the world of high-stakes business or public life, this is a requirement for survival. Take a look at any polarizing figure. They don't spend their nights weeping over Twitter comments. They find their "tribe" and focus there.
If you try to be a "gold doubloon" that everyone wants, you’ll end up exhausted. Even gold doubloons have people who think they’re too heavy or too shiny.
How to Stop the Spiral
When the "they might not like me" thought hits, you have to interrupt the circuit.
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Stop. Breathe.
Ask yourself: "What is the actual, physical evidence that this person dislikes me?" If the answer is "they looked at me weird," that isn't evidence. That’s an interpretation. Maybe they have a headache. Maybe they’re worried about their mortgage. Maybe they’re wondering if you like them.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself, suggests "dropping the safety behaviors." Instead of trying to be perfect or hiding, try to be curious. Focus on the other person. Ask them questions. When you shift the focus from "How am I performing?" to "Who is this person?", the anxiety usually drops.
Actionable Steps for Social Confidence
Stop trying to be liked and start trying to be interested. It’s a total game-changer.
- Test the "Liking Gap" yourself. Next time you have a conversation, consciously decide to believe they liked you. Act as if they already think you're great. You'll find you're more relaxed, funnier, and more engaged.
- The "So What?" Method. If someone truly doesn't like you, ask "So what?" Will your life end? Will your friends leave you? Usually, the answer is no. Life goes on.
- Audit your "Mind Reading." When you catch yourself assuming someone is judging you, label it. Say out loud or in your head: "I am currently mind-reading." It helps create distance between the thought and the feeling.
- Practice Vulnerability. This sounds cheesy, but Brene Brown is onto something. Admitting you're a bit nervous or that you don't know something makes you more relatable. Perfection is intimidating; flaws are magnets.
- Change the Goal. Instead of "The goal is for them to like me," make the goal "The goal is to learn one thing about them." You can control your curiosity; you can't control their opinion.
Socializing is a skill, not a personality trait. The more you do it, the more you realize that most people are just trying their best to get through the day without embarrassing themselves. If you can be the person who makes others feel comfortable, you won't have to worry about whether they like you. They will.
Stop analyzing the texts. Put the phone down. The reality is that people are thinking about you about 1% as much as you think they are. That’s not a bad thing—it’s the ultimate hall pass to be yourself.
Practical Next Steps
- Recall a recent social interaction where you felt "they might not like me." Write down three alternative reasons for their behavior that have nothing to do with you (e.g., they were tired, they had a long day, they are naturally shy).
- Commit to one "vulnerability experiment" this week. Tell a friend or colleague about a small mistake you made or a minor insecurity. Observe how it actually draws them closer rather than pushing them away.
- Practice "Active Listening" during your next conversation. Focus entirely on the other person's words and emotions rather than preparing your next response or judging your performance.