I was sitting in a crowded cafe last Tuesday when I saw a woman eating lunch alone. She wasn't scrolling through her phone. She wasn't wearing headphones. She was just... eating. She looked genuinely content, savoring her pasta and watching the rain hit the window. It hit me then that our culture treats this scene like a tragedy, a "table for one" pity party, when it’s actually a flex.
Society sells us this idea that being single is a waiting room. You’re supposedly "in-between" things, like a flight delay at O'Hare. But what if it’s the destination? What if the unexpected joy of being single isn't about "finding yourself" so you can be better for someone else, but about realizing you’re already the main character?
The science of solo living
Let’s get nerdy for a second. We’ve been told for decades that married people are healthier and live longer. That was the gold standard of social science. But newer research is starting to poke holes in those old "marriage or bust" theories. Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, has spent her career debunking the "singles are miserable" myth. Her research, often referred to as "singles studies," suggests that people who embrace being single often have more robust social networks than their married peers.
Think about it. When people get coupled up, they tend to "minify" their world. They hunker down. They stop reaching out to that random college friend or the neighbor across the hall. Singles, on the other hand, are the glue of society. They are more likely to support their parents, help their siblings, and stay connected with friends. They have "social fitness."
The autonomy high
There is a specific kind of dopamine hit you get when you realize nobody is coming home to judge your choices. You want to eat cereal for dinner while watching a documentary about deep-sea squids at 11 PM? Go for it. You want to leave the laundry in the dryer for three days? Nobody cares.
This isn't just about being lazy. It's about autonomy.
💡 You might also like: Easy recipes dinner for two: Why you are probably overcomplicating date night
A 2016 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that "singlehood" can actually foster increased personal growth and development. When you don't have a partner as a constant sounding board or safety net, you develop a sharper sense of self-reliance. You learn how to fix the leaky faucet, how to navigate a solo trip through Tokyo, and how to sit with your own thoughts without needing a distraction. It’s a trial by fire that turns you into a much more interesting person.
The unexpected joy of being single and the myth of loneliness
Loneliness and being alone are not the same thing. Seriously. We’ve all been in a relationship where we felt completely, utterly alone while sitting right next to someone on the couch. That is a heavy, suffocating kind of lonely.
Solitude, though? Solitude is a choice. It’s a luxury.
When you’re single, you get to reclaim your "mental real estate." You aren't constantly tracking someone else's moods, schedules, or dietary preferences. You don't have to negotiate where to go for the holidays or whose family is more "difficult." That mental bandwidth can be redirected. It goes into your career, your hobbies, or just your own peace of mind.
Emotional agility
There’s this concept called "emotional agility," coined by psychologist Susan David. It’s the ability to navigate your inner world—your thoughts and feelings—with curiosity instead of judgment. Single people often have more space to practice this. Without the constant feedback loop of a partner, you have to be your own cheerleader and your own reality check. It’s hard work, but it builds a level of emotional resilience that is frankly terrifying to people who have never been alone.
📖 Related: How is gum made? The sticky truth about what you are actually chewing
Reimagining the "Single" narrative
We need to stop using the word "still." As in, "Are you still single?" It implies a failure to progress. It’s like asking someone if they’re "still" breathing.
The unexpected joy of being single often comes from the realization that your life doesn't need a witness to be valid. You don't need someone to see the sunset with you for the sunset to be beautiful.
Let's look at the financial aspect. While "the singles tax" is a very real thing (shoutout to higher rent and no dual-income tax breaks), single people often have more control over their long-term financial health. You aren't bailing out a partner’s credit card debt or compromising on investment strategies. You can live in a tiny studio to save for a house, or blow your savings on a Master’s degree without asking for permission. It’s pure, unadulterated agency.
The "Sologamy" trend and self-commitment
While the idea of "marrying yourself" might sound a bit "Eat Pray Love" for some, the underlying sentiment is solid. It’s about commitment. Not to another person, but to your own values.
In Japan, there’s a growing movement of people choosing to stay single—a phenomenon sometimes linked to "herbivore men" or "career-focused women." They aren't avoiding love because they’re bitter; they’re avoiding the traditional constraints of marriage because they value their freedom more. They’ve found that the trade-off—losing 50% of your autonomy for 50% more companionship—isn't a deal they want to make.
👉 See also: Curtain Bangs on Fine Hair: Why Yours Probably Look Flat and How to Fix It
Navigating the "Single Shaming" at family events
We've all been there. Thanksgiving dinner. Aunt Linda asks if you've tried Hinge lately.
The best way to handle this isn't to get defensive. It’s to be boringly happy. When you lean into the unexpected joy of being single, people stop seeing you as a problem to be solved. Tell them about the book you’re writing. Tell them about the marathon you’re training for. Tell them about how much you love your quiet mornings.
Most of the time, people project their own fears of loneliness onto you. If you show them that you aren't afraid of your own company, their "pity" evaporates. It’s actually kinda funny to watch.
Why singlehood makes you better at... everything
Honestly, being single for a long stretch makes you a better friend and, eventually, a better partner (if you choose to go that route). You learn your boundaries. You learn what you actually like, versus what you just tolerated because your ex liked it.
You become a person with "edges."
- You develop deep friendships: Without a "primary" person, your friends become your family. These bonds are often more diverse and resilient.
- You take bigger risks: Moving for a job or starting a business is easier when you only have to move one person.
- You sleep better: No snoring, no blanket hogging, no midnight bathroom trips from someone else. This is a scientific fact of bliss.
- You discover weird hobbies: I know a guy who took up competitive lock-picking because he had the time. He’s the happiest person I know.
Actionable steps to embrace your solo era
If you're currently single and feeling more "meh" than "joyful," it takes a bit of a mindset shift. You have to treat yourself like the guest of honor in your own life.
- The "Solo Date" Tier List: Start small. Go to a movie alone. Then a cafe. Eventually, go to a sit-down restaurant with a book. The goal is to reach the level where you can sit in silence without feeling the need to look busy.
- Audit your social media: If your feed is nothing but engagement photos and "we did a thing" posts, hit mute. Follow people who are living vibrant, solo lives. Expand your definition of what a "successful" life looks like.
- Invest in your space: Stop living like you’re in a dorm. Buy the nice sheets. Hang the art. Make your home a sanctuary that you actually want to spend time in, rather than just a place where you sleep between dates.
- Practice "Selective Availability": Just because you’re single doesn't mean you’re always available. Set boundaries with your time. Learn to say no to things that don't serve you, even if your calendar is technically empty.
- Build a "Crisis Tree": One of the fears of being single is "who will I call if I'm in the ER?" Build your network. Have a designated emergency contact, a "spare key" friend, and a "venting" friend. Knowing you have a safety net makes the freedom feel a lot less like a tightrope walk.
Being single isn't a lack of something. It's the presence of everything else. It’s the wide-open space where you get to decide who you are when nobody is watching. And honestly? That person is usually pretty awesome.