Ever get that weird, prickly feeling when someone asks you who you really are? Not your job title. Not your "as seen on Instagram" highlight reel. Just... you. Most people flinch. They start talking about their career or their kids. It’s almost like there’s an unwritten rule that we aren't supposed to look too closely at the person behind the curtain. Alan Watts, the British philosopher who basically brought Eastern thought to the West in the 60s, called this the taboo against knowing who you are. He argued that our entire society is built on a sort of collective agreement to pretend we are separate, lonely egos trapped in bags of skin.
It sounds heavy. Maybe a little "woo-woo" if you aren’t used to it. But honestly? It’s the most practical thing you’ll ever think about.
We live in a world that thrives on us not knowing ourselves. Think about it. If you actually felt complete and knew your worth wasn't tied to your productivity, would you buy half the stuff you see on TikTok? Probably not. The economy, our social structures, and even our educational systems often rely on us feeling just a little bit broken—just enough to keep us searching for the "fix" outside of ourselves.
Why Society Keeps Us in the Dark
There is a genuine pressure to conform to a specific narrative. From the time you’re a kid, you’re sorted. You’re the "smart one," the "athlete," or the "troublemaker." These labels stick. They become a mask. Over time, the mask gets so tight you forget you’re even wearing it. This is where the taboo starts. Knowing yourself—truly knowing yourself—means you might have to drop the mask. And if you drop the mask, you become unpredictable.
Unpredictable people are hard to manage.
Sociologist Erving Goffman wrote extensively about "the presentation of self in everyday life." He viewed social interaction as a theatrical performance. We have a "front stage" where we act out our roles for the public, and a "back stage" where we can supposedly be ourselves. But the taboo is so strong that many of us have lost the key to the back stage. We’ve become the performance.
The Fear of the Void
Why are we so scared? Why is there a taboo at all?
Fear. Plain and simple.
There’s this terrifying idea that if you peel back all the layers—the job, the family role, the hobbies, the political leanings—there might be nothing there. Or worse, there might be something you don't like. We treat our internal world like a dark basement. We know there’s stuff down there, but we’d rather stay upstairs where the lights are on and the TV is loud.
The Ego as a Safety Blanket
The ego isn't just a "big head." In psychological terms, it’s your sense of "I." It’s the narrator in your head that never shuts up. This narrator loves the taboo against knowing who you are because it keeps the narrator in a job. If you realize that you are more than just your thoughts, the narrator loses its power.
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist, talked about the "Shadow." This is the part of ourselves we deem unacceptable. We hide it from others, and eventually, we hide it from ourselves. The taboo is the gatekeeper of the Shadow. We agree not to look at ours if you agree not to look at yours. It’s a polite, silent contract that keeps everyone feeling safe but utterly disconnected.
The Cost of Staying a Stranger to Yourself
Living under this taboo isn't free. You pay for it in anxiety. You pay for it in that "is this it?" feeling that hits at 2:00 AM. When you don't know who you are, you’re basically a leaf in the wind. You react to everything. Someone insults you? You’re devastated because you don't have an internal compass to tell you otherwise. Someone praises you? You’re high on life for ten minutes until you need the next hit.
It’s exhausting.
I’ve seen people reach the "top" of their careers only to realize they climbed the wrong ladder. That’s the ultimate price of the taboo. You spend forty years building a life for a person you don't even know.
Real-World Friction
Look at how we treat "mid-life crises." We mock them. We joke about the guy buying a Porsche or the woman quitting her corporate job to go to an ashram. But usually, a mid-life crisis is just the moment the taboo starts to crack. The person realizes they’ve been living a lie, and they’re scrambling to find the truth before time runs out. Instead of supporting that search, society labels it a "breakdown."
Maybe it’s a breakthrough.
Breaking the Silence
So, how do you actually bypass this taboo? It’s not about staring in a mirror and chanting. It’s about observation.
- Watch the "I" statements. Notice how often you define yourself by things that can be taken away. "I am a manager." "I am a marathon runner." If those things disappeared tomorrow, would you still exist? Of course. So, you aren't those things.
- Lean into the discomfort. When you feel that urge to distract yourself—to pick up your phone the second you’re bored—stay with the boredom. That’s where the taboo lives. The silence is where the "real you" starts to speak.
- Question the "Shoulds." Much of the taboo is built on "I should be this" or "I should want that." Start asking who is saying you should. Usually, it’s a ghost of a parent, a teacher, or an algorithm.
The Practical Reality of Self-Knowledge
Knowing yourself doesn't mean you become a monk. You still have to pay taxes. You still have to get groceries. The difference is that you do these things with a sense of play rather than a sense of desperate necessity. You realize that "you" are the vast, underlying consciousness that experiences life, not just the tiny, stressed-out character in the play.
Western psychology is finally catching up to what Eastern philosophy has said for millennia. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, is essentially a clinical way to break the taboo. By teaching people to observe their thoughts without judgment, they are teaching them to see who they are behind the noise.
It works. It reduces cortisol. It improves sleep. It makes you a better partner and a more effective human being.
What You Find Behind the Taboo
When you finally look, you don't find a void. You find a weird, vibrant, and surprisingly quiet space. You find that you’re actually okay. Not "okay" because you did a good job or because people like you, but "okay" because your existence is enough.
Breaking the taboo against knowing who you are is the most rebellious thing you can do. It’s also the most liberating. You stop being a consumer of your own life and start being the author.
Actionable Steps to Reconnect
If you want to start poking holes in this taboo today, don't overcomplicate it. Big shifts happen in small moments.
- Audit your "Roles": Write down the five roles you play most often (Parent, Employee, Friend, etc.). For each one, ask: "If I stopped doing this today, what part of me would still be here?"
- The Five-Minute Stare: Sit in a chair with no phone, no music, and no book for five minutes. Watch your brain panic. Watch it try to re-establish the taboo by giving you a "To-Do" list. Just watch it.
- Identify the "Other": Notice when you judge someone else harshly. Usually, the thing you hate in them is a part of yourself you’ve locked away because of the taboo. Acknowledge that part.
- Trace your Desires: Next time you want to buy something or achieve something, ask yourself if you want it, or if you want the identity that comes with it. There’s a huge difference.
The goal isn't to reach some magical state of enlightenment where you never feel sad or confused again. The goal is to stop being a stranger to the person living your life. You’ve been living with yourself since day one. It’s about time you two were introduced.