You're sitting there, staring at your phone, waiting for a text that might not come for another three hours because he’s "at dinner with the family." It’s an exhausting way to live. Honestly, the mental gymnastics required to maintain a relationship with a married man are enough to drain anyone. You want to know how to get him to leave his wife, but before we dive into the logistics, we have to talk about the messy, unvarnished truth of how these situations usually play out in the real world.
Most people will give you fluff. They’ll tell you to be the "cool girl" or wait it out. But if you’re looking for a roadmap, you need to understand the psychological levers at play and the statistical reality that most of these affairs never transition into a legitimate, long-term marriage. It’s heavy stuff.
Why the "Waiting Game" Almost Always Fails
Statistics are a bit of a gut punch here. Various sociological studies, including research often cited by relationship experts like Dr. Frank Pittman, suggest that a tiny percentage of affairs—some estimates say as low as 3% to 5%—actually lead to a lasting marriage. That is a staggering number to wrap your head around when you're the one in the middle of it.
He says he’s going to leave. He says he hasn't slept in the same bed as her in years. But words are cheap. In the world of high-stakes relationships, actions are the only currency that matters. If you’re trying to figure out how to get him to leave his wife, you have to realize that you aren't just competing with her. You are competing with his mortgage, his social standing, his relationship with his kids, and his fear of the unknown.
Men often stay in "dead" marriages because of the "Sunk Cost Fallacy." They’ve put twenty years in. They don't want to lose half their 401k. They don't want to be the "bad guy" in the neighborhood. It’s rarely about a lack of love for the "other woman" and almost always about a paralyzing fear of the logistical nightmare that is divorce.
The Psychological Pivot: Stopping the Ego Stroke
Right now, you are his escape. You're the vacation. When he's with you, he doesn't have to talk about the leaky faucet or the property taxes. He gets the best version of you, and you get the best version of him.
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This is exactly why he stays.
Why would he leave? He has a stable home life (even if it's boring or contentious) and he has a thrilling romantic life with you. He has reached an equilibrium. If you want to change the status quo, you have to break that equilibrium. You have to stop being the "perfect" alternative that makes his miserable marriage bearable.
Stop being available 24/7. When he calls at 11 PM because she’s asleep and he’s lonely, don't answer. You've got to create a vacuum. Humans are wired to pursue what is receding. If you are always there, providing the emotional support his wife doesn't, you are actually helping him stay married to her. You're the safety valve that keeps the pressure in his marriage from exploding.
Creating High Stakes
Divorce is a crisis. No one enters a crisis voluntarily unless the alternative is worse. As long as he can have both of you, the alternative isn't worse.
- Set a hard deadline. Not in a "give me an answer by Friday" way, but a personal, internal boundary.
- Withdraw the emotional labor. Stop being his therapist.
- Social transparency. A man who is serious about a future with you doesn't keep you in a "secret" box forever.
The Financial and Social Concrete
Let’s get real about the money. We live in a world where dual incomes are often the only thing keeping a family afloat. When a man considers leaving, he’s looking at child support, alimony, and the potential loss of his home. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), money is one of the top stressors in any relationship transition.
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If he’s someone who deeply values his reputation or his financial security, the "love" he feels for you might not be enough to outweigh the "loss" he feels regarding his assets. It’s cold. It’s calculating. But it’s how many people think when the chips are down.
You also have to consider the "limerence" factor. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined this term to describe the intense, obsessive stage of early love. Affairs thrive on limerence because they are fueled by obstacles. Once the obstacle (the wife) is removed, the limerence often fades, and the couple is left with the mundane reality of bills and laundry. This is why so many "success stories" in this realm end in a second divorce within five years.
The Ethical Grey Area and the "How You Get Them" Rule
There is an old saying: "How you get them is how you lose them." It’s a cliché for a reason. If he is willing to lie to the person he vowed to spend his life with, you have to wonder what happens when things get difficult with you.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship that lasts. If the foundation of your relationship is built on a series of lies, secret burner phones, and "working late" excuses, that foundation is made of sand. Even if he leaves her tomorrow, the ghost of the affair will haunt your new relationship. You’ll find yourself wondering if he’s actually at the gym or if he’s found a "new" escape.
Specific Steps to Force a Decision
If you are determined to move this forward, you have to move from the shadows into the light. This isn't about "ultimatums"—those usually backfire. It's about personal autonomy.
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- Go No-Contact. This is the most powerful tool in your arsenal. Tell him, "I love you, but I cannot be part of a three-person relationship anymore. When you are legally separated and have your own place, call me. Until then, please don't contact me."
- Focus on your own life. Truly. If he sees that you are moving on, thriving, and potentially dating people who are actually available, it triggers a "loss aversion" response.
- Stop the secrecy. Don't help him hide it. You don't have to call his wife—that often turns the husband back toward the wife in a protective "us against the world" crouch—but stop hiding your existence in ways that make his life easier.
The Reality of the "New" Relationship
Suppose he does it. He packs his bags, files the papers, and moves into a depressing one-bedroom apartment while his wife keeps the house.
Are you ready for that version of him?
The version of him that is grieving (yes, even if he wanted to leave, there is grief), stressed about money, and dealing with angry children? The "affair" version of him was the fun guy who took you to dinners. The "divorced" version of him is a guy who is broke and exhausted. Many women find that once they finally get him to leave his wife, they don't actually want the man who is left.
Actionable Insights for Moving Forward
If you’re serious about your future, you need to stop focusing on his marriage and start focusing on your timeline.
- Audit the excuses. If he has been saying "the kids are almost out of high school" for three years, and the youngest is only a freshman, he’s stalling. Recognize the stall for what it is: a choice to stay.
- Consult a professional. Not to get him to leave, but for yourself. An objective therapist can help you figure out why you’re settling for "part-time" love.
- The 90-Day Rule. If there hasn't been a concrete, legal step toward divorce in 90 days of you asking for change, there likely never will be.
Ultimately, you cannot "make" someone leave a marriage. A person leaves because they have reached their limit or because the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. By being the "perfect" mistress, you are actually reducing his pain and making it easier for him to stay. If you want a real life with a partner who is fully present, you have to be willing to walk away from the half-life you're currently living.
The most successful way to handle this situation isn't through manipulation or better "performance" in the bedroom. It's through radical self-respect. When you decide you're worth more than a Tuesday night at a hotel, his choice becomes very clear, very quickly. He either steps up to keep you, or he lets you go so you can find someone who doesn't have to hide you.
Next Steps for Your Growth
- Establish a boundary diary. Document every time he makes a promise versus every time he keeps one. Seeing the patterns in black and white often breaks the spell of "limerence."
- Broaden your social circle. Re-engage with friends who aren't part of the "secret" life. Isolation is the affair’s best friend; community is its enemy.
- Financial Independence. Ensure you are not financially tied to him in any way. True leverage comes from the ability to leave the situation without losing your security.
- Research the "Divorce Process" in his state. Understanding the actual legal hurdles he’s facing will help you distinguish between legitimate delays and convenient excuses.