Everyone says it. You’ve probably seen it on a moody Instagram caption or heard it growled by a protagonist in a gritty revenge flick. "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." It’s one of those lines that hits like a ton of bricks because it feels so ancient, so wise, and so undeniably true. But here’s the thing: most people have no idea where it actually came from.
Revenge is a messy business. It’s a literal poison.
We tend to attribute this specific "dig two graves" wisdom to Confucius. You’ll find his name attached to it on thousands of quote websites and Pinterest boards. But if you actually dig into the Analects or any verified Confucian texts, you’re going to come up empty-handed. It’s a ghost quote. It’s what scholars often call an "apocryphal" saying—something that sounds like it should have been said by a specific person, so we just collectively decided it was.
Where did the "Dig Two Graves" saying actually start?
If it wasn't Confucius, then who was it? Honestly, it's hard to pin down a single "Aha!" moment in history, but the sentiment is deeply rooted in Japanese proverbs and 19th-century literature. There’s a Japanese saying, "Anā futatsu" (Two holes), which basically refers to the idea that if you curse someone, you better be ready for two graves. It’s a warning to practitioners of dark magic or those seeking blood feuds. You kill them, but you’re effectively dead too.
By the time the late 1800s rolled around, we started seeing versions of this in Western writing. It’s more of a cultural evolution than a single spark of genius. It’s a "meme" in the original sense of the word—an idea that survived because it perfectly captures the self-destructive nature of spite.
Think about the logic for a second. Why two?
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It’s not just about the physical act of dying. It’s about the soul. The moment you commit your life to destroying someone else, you stop living your own life. That person—the person you were before the grudge—is effectively gone. You’ve buried your future, your peace, and your identity just to see someone else fall.
Why this quote exploded in modern pop culture
We love a good revenge story. But we also love the tragedy of the hero who loses themselves in the process.
Take the show Revenge, which ran in the early 2010s. They used the "dig two graves" quote as the literal opening hook for the entire series. It set the tone for Emily Thorne’s whole existence. Every time she checked a name off her list, she was digging that second hole a little deeper. It’s a trope because it’s a universal human experience. We’ve all felt that burning desire to "get even," and most of us have realized, usually too late, that the anger hurt us way more than it ever hurt the other person.
In the 2024 film The Beekeeper, or even going back to the John Wick franchise, the "two graves" philosophy is always hovering in the background. Even if they don't say the words, the visual language is there. The hero is covered in blood, alone, and has nothing left once the "villain" is gone.
The Psychology of the Second Grave
Psychologists actually have a lot to say about this. It’s not just poetic fluff. When you harbor deep-seated resentment, your body stays in a state of chronic stress. Your cortisol is spiked. Your sleep is trashed. You are, quite literally, digging a premature grave through physiological wear and tear.
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Dr. Michael McCullough, a psychology professor and author of Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct, notes that while revenge served an evolutionary purpose (deterring others from hurting us), it’s a high-cost strategy. In the modern world, the "cost" usually outweighs the "benefit." You win the fight, but you lose your health and your time.
The misconceptions about "Forgive and Forget"
People often think the alternative to digging two graves is being a doormat. That’s a total misunderstanding of the concept. Avoiding the "second grave" doesn't mean you have to invite the person who hurt you over for Sunday dinner.
It’s about "dropping the rope."
Imagine you’re in a tug-of-war with someone who ruined your career or broke your heart. You’re pulling with everything you’ve got. Your hands are bleeding. Your muscles are screaming. The "dig two graves" warning is simply telling you that as long as you keep pulling, you are stuck in that pit with them. If you let go of the rope, they might fall backward, or they might stay standing. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can finally walk away and do something else with your day.
Real-life examples of the "Two Graves" Trap
- Corporate Feuds: Look at some of the most famous business rivalries. When leaders become obsessed with "crushing" a competitor rather than innovating, they often tank their own stock price and alienate their best employees. They were so busy digging a grave for the "other guy" that they didn't notice their own company was falling into the hole.
- Legal Battles: Family court is a prime location for the two-grave phenomenon. Parents spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees just to "win" a specific point of spite, only to find they’ve bankrupted their child's college fund in the process.
- Social Media "Canceling": We see this constantly. Someone spends months of their life dedicated to a "takedown" of a public figure. By the end, the person doing the hunting has often become just as toxic and miserable as the person they were trying to expose.
Is it ever worth it?
Some would argue that in extreme cases of injustice, the "second grave" is a price they’re willing to pay. And that’s a valid philosophical stance. If the pursuit of justice—even if it looks like revenge—is the only thing that gives a person's life meaning after a tragedy, they might consciously choose to dig that second hole.
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But for 99% of us? The grudge over the promotion we didn't get or the ex who cheated isn't worth a grave. Not even a small one.
How to stop digging
So, how do you actually apply this? If you’re currently obsessed with "getting back" at someone, you’re already holding the shovel. Here’s how to put it down.
First, acknowledge the "Sunk Cost." You’ve already lost time, energy, or money to this person. Why give them more? Every hour you spend plotting or venting is an hour you are paying them in your most precious currency: your life.
Second, reframe the win. The best revenge isn't a "takedown." It’s total indifference. When that person no longer has the power to ruin your mood or dictate your actions, you’ve won. They’re still in their hole; you’re just not in there with them.
Finally, do an audit of your "graves." Look at the grudges you’re holding. Are any of them actually making your life better? Probably not.
Practical steps to move forward
- Identify the "Cost of Carry." Write down exactly what this resentment is costing you. Is it your sleep? Your ability to trust new people? Your focus at work? Put a "price tag" on the grudge.
- The "One Year Rule." Ask yourself: "In one year, will I be glad I spent this much energy on this person?" If the answer is no, stop immediately.
- Physical Release. Sometimes the brain needs the body to catch up. Go for a run, box, or literally write the person's name on a piece of paper and burn it. It sounds cheesy, but symbolic closure can stop the mental loop of revenge.
- Redirect the Spite. If you have "spite energy," use it as fuel for self-improvement. Use the "I'll show them" mentality to get in the best shape of your life or finish that project you’ve been putting off. At least then, the "second grave" becomes a garden.
The phrase "I've dug two graves" isn't a command; it’s a warning. It’s a reminder that we are linked to our enemies by the cords of our own anger. Cutting that cord is the only way to make sure only one person ends up in the dirt. Don't be the second one. Life is way too short to spend it in a hole you dug for yourself.