We’ve all been there. You’re staring at a screen or sitting in a quiet room, and suddenly a face from ten years ago pops into your head. It’s that person from college you almost asked out but didn't. Or the one who moved away just as things were getting interesting. The women i never had isn't just a phrase; it's a specific kind of mental weight. It’s the weight of the "almost."
It's weird.
Psychologically, our brains are wired to hate unfinished business. This is actually a documented thing called the Zeigarnik Effect. Back in the 1920s, a psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik noticed that waiters remembered orders that hadn't been paid for much better than the ones that were already settled. Once the bill was paid? Poof. The memory vanished. Relationships—or the lack thereof—work the exact same way. When a connection is realized, lived out, and eventually ends, there is a "bill paid" feeling to it. But the ones that never started? They stay open in the background of your mind like forty browser tabs you’re afraid to close.
Why the Idea of Women I Never Had Sticks So Hard
It's the perfection of the void.
Real relationships are messy. They involve arguments about where to eat, annoying habits, and the slow realization that your partner is a flawed human being who leaves wet towels on the bed. But the women i never had don't have flaws. In your mind, they are frozen in a state of perpetual potential. They are the avatars of what "could have been" if everything had gone perfectly.
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Honestly, it’s a trap.
You aren't actually longing for a person; you're longing for a version of yourself that existed in that moment. You're longing for the excitement of the unknown. Researcher Helen Fisher, who has spent decades studying the brain chemistry of love, often talks about how "frustration attraction" kicks in when we are denied what we want. The dopamine spike isn't coming from a real connection—it’s coming from the chase that never ended.
Sometimes I think we use these memories as a shield. If you’re currently in a relationship that’s going through a rocky patch, it’s so much easier to retreat into the fantasy of a "missed connection" than it is to fix the person sitting right in front of you. It’s a form of emotional escapism. You’re comparing a real, breathing human to a ghost. And the ghost always wins because ghosts don't age, they don't get grumpy, and they don't disagree with your political takes.
The Social Media Complication
Before the internet, the women i never had stayed as blurry memories. Maybe you'd see them at a ten-year reunion and realize they’re just normal people. Now? You can find them in three clicks.
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LinkedIn. Instagram. TikTok.
You see the highlight reel. You see the vacation in Tulum and the promotion and the perfectly lit selfie. This creates a "false intimacy" that feeds the obsession. You feel like you know them, but you’re just looking at a digital museum exhibit. According to a study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, "passive lurking" on the profiles of former interests or missed connections significantly increases feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction with one's current life. It keeps the wound fresh.
It’s basically digital self-harm, yet we all do it.
Breaking the Cycle of "Almost"
So, how do you actually stop thinking about the women i never had?
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First, you have to kill the ghost. You have to realize that if it was meant to happen, it probably would have. That sounds like a cliché, but there’s logic there. Relationships require two people to be at the same level of interest and in the same "life stage" at the same time. If one of those variables was off, the relationship wouldn't have been the fairytale you’ve built up in your head. It would have been a different kind of mess.
- Acknowledge the projection. Most of the time, the "perfect" person you’re thinking of is just a mirror. You’re projecting your own needs and desires onto a blank canvas.
- Audit your triggers. Are you thinking about these people when you’re bored? Lonely? Stressed at work? Identify the pattern.
- Practice radical presence. This sounds like some New Age stuff, but it’s practical. Every minute spent wondering what she’s doing now is a minute you aren't spending on your actual life.
Real life is better than a fantasy because it’s tangible.
The women i never had represent a version of the past that never existed. They are the "sliding doors" moments that we use to distract ourselves from the present. If you find yourself stuck in a loop of regret or "what-ifs," it’s usually a sign that your current life needs an upgrade. Maybe you’re bored. Maybe you’re stagnant. The fix isn't to look backward; it’s to build something in the here and now that is so engaging you don't have time to wonder about the people who weren't meant to be in your story.
Stop checking the profile. Stop wondering "what if."
Practical Next Steps:
- Audit your "following" list: If seeing a specific person's name makes your stomach drop or sends you into a spiral of comparison, hit the mute button. You don't have to unfollow if it's awkward; just remove the stimulus from your daily feed.
- Write the "Real" Ending: Sit down and write out a realistic version of what that relationship would have been like after six months. Include the chores, the bills, and the inevitable personality clashes. De-mythologize the fantasy.
- Invest in "The Now": Take the energy you’re spending on nostalgia and redirect it. Join a new gym, start that side project, or actually plan a date night with your partner. Action is the only cure for rumination.