Acceptance is a weird thing. Sometimes it feels like a superpower, and other times it feels like you're just giving up because you’re exhausted. Most of us have probably muttered the phrase it is what it is while staring at a flat tire or a rejected job application. It’s a verbal shrug. It’s short. It’s punchy.
But what are we actually saying when we drop that line?
For some, it's the ultimate expression of Stoicism—the modern-day version of Amor Fati. For others, it’s a red flag for workplace burnout or emotional checked-out-ness. Honestly, the phrase has become a bit of a linguistic Rorschach test. How you interpret it says a lot about your current headspace.
The Linguistic Roots of the Verbal Shrug
You might think this phrase popped out of a 90s locker room, but it’s actually been around much longer than that. Linguists have tracked variations of this tautology back decades. A tautology is basically a statement that repeats itself, like saying "a circle is round." It doesn't provide new information, yet it carries a massive emotional weight.
The first recorded use in a modern context often points to a 1949 article in The Nebraska State Journal by J.E. Lawrence. He used it to describe the gritty reality of frontier life. It wasn't a "vibe" back then; it was a survival mechanism. If the crops died, they died. It is what it is.
Fast forward to the early 2000s, and the sports world hijacked it. Bill Belichick, the former New England Patriots coach, turned it into a shield. Whenever reporters pressed him on a bad play or a controversial trade, he’d lean into the microphone and deliver those five words. It became a way to end a conversation without actually saying anything. It’s the ultimate "no comment" that still sounds like a comment.
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Is Saying "It Is What It Is" Actually Healthy?
Psychologists are split on this. On one hand, you have the school of Radical Acceptance. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), argues that suffering comes from our refusal to accept reality. When we fight against facts we can't change, we create "unnecessary suffering."
In this light, saying it is what it is can be a form of mental hygiene.
Imagine you're stuck in traffic on the way to a wedding. You can scream at the steering wheel, spike your cortisol levels, and arrive with a sweaty, angry face. Or, you can acknowledge the sea of brake lights and realize your anger won't move the cars. Accepting the situation doesn't mean you like it. It just means you aren't wasting energy fighting a ghost.
But there’s a dark side.
When used in a toxic workplace or a failing relationship, the phrase can become a tool for gaslighting or learned helplessness. If a manager uses it to dismiss a legitimate complaint about safety or overwork, they aren't practicing Zen. They’re practicing avoidance. They are telling you that the status quo is unchangeable, even when it isn't. That’s where the phrase gets dangerous. It shuts down the imagination. It kills the "what if" that leads to progress.
The Stoic Connection: Marcus Aurelius in a Hoodie
If you’ve spent any time on the "productivity" side of the internet lately, you know that Stoicism is having a massive moment. From Ryan Holiday’s books to Silicon Valley CEOs, everyone wants to be a Stoic.
The core of Stoic philosophy—as taught by Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius—is the "dichotomy of control." You have things you can control (your thoughts, your actions) and things you can't (the weather, the economy, other people’s opinions).
It is what it is is basically the "Lululemon version" of The Enchiridion.
When Aurelius wrote in his private journals about not being frustrated by the "shamelessness" of people he met, he was practicing this exact sentiment. He was reminding himself that the world is full of difficult people and that expecting otherwise is a recipe for misery. He didn't use the modern slang, obviously, but the DNA is the same. It's about maintaining your internal fortress regardless of the chaos outside.
Why We Use It When Words Fail
Sometimes we say it because we are tired.
Language is often too clumsy for deep grief or complex disappointment. If someone loses a loved one or a lifelong dream, "I'm sorry" feels tiny. "Everything happens for a reason" feels like a lie. In those moments, it is what it is acknowledges the cold, hard finality of a situation. It’s a way of standing in the rain without pretending it’s sunny.
Cultural Saturation and the Meme-ification of Apathy
Because the phrase is so versatile, it’s been run into the ground. It has appeared in song lyrics by everyone from Snoop Dogg to Kacey Musgraves. It’s been on coffee mugs and neon signs.
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We’ve reached a point of "semantic bleaching." This happens when a word or phrase is used so often that it loses its original punch. Now, when people hear it, they often roll their eyes. It has become a cliché. In reality TV, specifically shows like Love Island or The Bachelor, the phrase is a constant. It’s used to justify dumping someone or getting dumped.
"Yeah, I know I promised I liked you, but then I kissed the other guy... it is what it is."
In this context, it’s a way to dodge accountability. It frames a personal choice as an act of fate. This is the exact opposite of the Stoic ideal. Instead of accepting what you can't control, you're pretending you don't control your own behavior. It’s a linguistic escape hatch.
Navigating the Nuance
If you want to use this mindset effectively, you have to be honest with yourself about why you’re using it.
Ask yourself:
- Am I accepting a reality I truly cannot change?
- Or am I just too scared to try and change it?
If it’s the former, the phrase is a tool for peace. If it’s the latter, it’s a cage.
True wisdom lies in knowing the difference. This is essentially the Serenity Prayer without the religious overtones. You need the courage to change the things you can, but you also need the "it is what it is" energy for the things you can't.
Practical Ways to Apply Healthy Acceptance
Don't just say the phrase. Embody the logic behind it.
Next time you hit a major roadblock, try a "reality check" exercise. Literally list out the facts of the situation.
- The project was cancelled.
- My boss is unhappy.
- I have three weeks of savings left.
Notice that none of those facts include "I am a failure" or "The world is ending." Those are interpretations. The facts are just what they are. By stripping away the narrative, you reduce the emotional "drag" on your decision-making. You can move faster because you aren't carrying the weight of a story you made up about the facts.
Another trick is the "Five-Year Rule." Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no, then it is what it is is a perfectly appropriate response. It helps you triage your emotional investments. We only have so much "give a damn" to go around. Don't spend it all on a rude barista or a delayed flight.
Final Steps for a Better Mindset
To move forward with a more balanced approach to acceptance, focus on these three shifts:
Audit your vocabulary. Pay attention to how often you say the phrase. If it’s your response to everything—from a bad lunch to a major life crisis—you might be leaning too hard into apathy. Try replacing it occasionally with "I don't like this, but I accept it." It’s more honest and keeps you in the driver's seat.
Identify your "Influence Zone." Draw two circles. In the middle circle, write down everything you can actually do something about today. In the outer circle, write the stuff you're stressing over that you can't touch. Practice saying it is what it is specifically for the items in that outer circle. Let them go.
Stop using it to end meaningful conversations. If a friend or partner is trying to talk to you about something important, don't use this phrase as a wall. It’s a conversation killer. Instead, use it as a starting point for a strategy. "Okay, the situation is what it is. Now, what’s our first move?"
Acceptance isn't a one-time event; it’s a daily practice. It’s about looking at the world with clear eyes and refusing to be broken by what you see. Whether you call it Stoicism, Radical Acceptance, or just "it is what it is," the goal is the same: to keep moving forward without the heavy baggage of "should have been."
Focus on your next right move. That is the only part that isn't settled yet.