You’ve probably sat through a wedding where the tension spiked the second the vows started. Everyone is waiting for it. That one specific word. It’s the linguistic equivalent of a landmine in modern ceremonies. I’m talking about "obey." The phrase love honour and obey has been the backbone of English-speaking marriage rites for centuries, but today, it feels like a relic from a different planet. People get genuinely angry about it. Or they laugh it off as a joke. But where did it actually come from? It wasn't just some random idea cooked up to be mean. It has a specific, legally binding, and deeply religious history that most people completely misunderstand when they’re picking out flower arrangements or arguing with their officiant.
Where Love Honour and Obey Actually Started
It basically goes back to 1549. That was the year Thomas Cranmer, the Archbishop of Canterbury, put together the first Book of Common Prayer. Before this, wedding vows in England were a bit of a localized mess, often conducted in Latin or various regional dialects. Cranmer wanted consistency. He wanted a script.
In that 1549 version, the groom promised to "love, cherish, and alter," while the bride promised to "obey, serve, love, honour, and keep." Notice the imbalance? It was baked into the cake from day one. This wasn't just about romance. It was about "coverture." Coverture was a legal doctrine where a woman’s legal existence was basically suspended during marriage and incorporated into that of her husband. He was the "baron," and she was the "feme." She couldn't own property in her own name or sign contracts. So, the vow to obey wasn't just a religious sentiment; it was a verbal acknowledgement of her legal status under the King’s law.
Honestly, it’s wild to think about how long this stuck around. Even as the world changed, the church was slow to move. The 1662 version of the Book of Common Prayer—which is the one most traditionalists still point to—kept the "obey" requirement firmly in place for the woman. Men were off the hook for that specific verb. They had to provide and protect, but they didn't have to follow orders.
The Massive Shift in the 1920s
Things started to break in the early 20th century. You had the Suffragettes making noise. You had women entering the workforce in ways they hadn't before. The church couldn't ignore the fact that the "obey" vow was becoming a massive PR problem.
In 1928, the Church of England finally proposed a revised prayer book that made "obey" optional. It was a huge deal at the time. Headlines across the globe debated whether a marriage could even function if the wife didn't promise to follow the husband’s lead. Some conservative clergy members were convinced it would lead to the total collapse of the family unit. Spoiler: it didn't.
But here is a weird fact: even after the 1920s, many couples stuck with the old version. Tradition is a powerful drug. Even today, you’ll find couples using the 1662 vows because they want that "vintage" feel, sometimes without fully processing the legal weight those words once carried.
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Famous Examples and the Royal Factor
When we talk about love honour and obey, we have to talk about the British Royal Family. They are the ultimate trendsetters for traditional weddings.
- Princess Diana (1981): She made global headlines when she famously dropped "obey" from her vows to Prince Charles. It was seen as a radical act of independence. People were shocked.
- Sarah Ferguson (1986): She actually kept it in! She promised to obey Prince Andrew.
- Kate Middleton (2011) and Meghan Markle (2018): Both followed Diana’s lead and skipped it.
The Royal shift mirrored what was happening in society. By the time Prince William and Catherine married, the idea of a bride promising to obey her husband felt almost alien to a global audience of millions. It marks the transition of marriage from a hierarchy to a partnership.
Why Do Some People Still Use It?
You’d think the phrase would be dead by now. It’s not. There are still pockets of the world, and specific denominations, where love honour and obey is the standard.
In some deeply conservative evangelical circles, the concept of "Complementarianism" keeps it alive. This is the belief that men and women have different, God-given roles. The man is the "head," and the woman is the "helper." For people in these communities, "obey" isn't about being a doormat. They see it as a beautiful form of divine order.
Then there are the "Traditional Latin Mass" Catholics or high-church Anglicans who use it because they value the liturgy's antiquity. For them, changing the words feels like breaking a link in a chain that goes back centuries. They aren't necessarily looking to recreate 17th-century legal structures; they just like the gravity of the old words.
But let's be real. For most modern couples, the word "obey" sounds like something you say to a dog. It’s a total mood-killer in a ceremony about mutual love.
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The Psychological Impact of Vow Language
Words matter. They shape how we perceive our roles. Researchers in sociology have long looked at how the language of the wedding ceremony sets the tone for the marriage. If you start a partnership by promising to "obey," does that create an unconscious power imbalance?
Maybe. Or maybe people just say the words because they sound "wedding-y" and then go back to arguing about who does the dishes just like everyone else.
However, many therapists argue that "honour" is actually the much stronger, more relevant word for 2026. Honouring someone implies respect, seeing their value, and protecting their dignity. You can honour someone without being their subordinate. Obeying, on the other hand, implies a lack of agency.
Breaking Down the Three Words
Let's look at the trio individually.
- Love: This one is easy. Everyone wants this. But in the 1500s, "love" in a vow was less about "butterflies in the stomach" and more about a committed will. It was an action, not a feeling.
- Honour: This meant giving the other person their due status. It meant not shaming them in public and treating them with high regard.
- Obey: The troublemaker. It specifically comes from the Latin obedire, meaning to give ear to or hearken. In a legal sense, it meant the husband made the decisions, and the wife followed them.
Changing the Script: Modern Alternatives
If you’re looking at your vows and love honour and obey feels like a bad fit, you aren't stuck. Most modern officiants—even in religious settings—have a menu of options.
Many couples now swap "obey" for "partner," "encourage," or "cherish." The Episcopal Church in the US, for example, has moved toward gender-neutral language where both parties make identical promises. It’s a "leveling of the playing field" that reflects modern law, where both spouses have equal rights to property, children, and their own identities.
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Interestingly, some secular ceremonies are moving away from "vows" entirely, preferring "intentions." It’s a subtle shift from a legalistic contract to a personal manifesto.
The Global Perspective
It’s important to remember that this specific debate is very Western and very English-centric. In many other cultures, the "obey" equivalent is either much more explicit or entirely absent.
In traditional Islamic marriage contracts (Nikah), the focus is often on the Mahr (the gift from groom to bride) and the husband's responsibility to provide. In some Hindu ceremonies, the focus is on the Saptapadi (seven steps), where the couple makes joint promises about food, strength, wealth, and friendship. The "obey" dynamic is a very specific artifact of English common law and the Church of England’s history.
How to Handle the "Obey" Question Today
If you are currently planning a wedding or helping someone who is, the "obey" question usually comes up during the first or second meeting with the officiant.
Don't feel pressured. If a church tells you that you must use the 1662 vows, and that makes you uncomfortable, you have to decide if the tradition of the building is worth the weight of the words. Most modern clergy are totally fine with skipping it. They’ve seen the "obey" vow cause more awkward chuckles than actual spiritual moments.
Actionable Steps for Choosing Your Vows
If you’re struggling with the language of love honour and obey, here is how to navigate it:
- Read the source material. Don't just take a snippet. Read the full 1662 or 1928 marriage service. See the context. Sometimes seeing the whole thing makes it easier to decide what to keep and what to toss.
- Talk about power dynamics. Use the vow discussion as a catalyst for a real conversation with your partner. Ask: "What does 'honour' look like to us?" or "How do we handle it when we disagree?"
- Check the legal requirements. In most places, the "legal" part of the wedding is just a few specific sentences. The rest—the "obey" part—is usually just the "ceremonial" or "religious" part. You have more flexibility than you think.
- Consult your officiant early. Don't wait until the rehearsal to tell a traditional priest you aren't saying the word "obey." That's a recipe for a very stressful Friday night.
- Consider a "Middle Way." If you love the history but hate the sexism, look for older liturgical versions that used "cherish" instead. It carries the same weight of antiquity without the baggage of coverture.
Marriage has changed. It went from a property transfer to a partnership of equals. The language we use at the altar is the last thing to catch up. Whether you choose to love honour and obey or to rewrite the script entirely, the most important thing is that the words actually mean something to the two people standing there. Everything else is just history.