You're scrolling through Instagram and see an old high school friend posting from a beach in Amalfi. They look fit. They look rich. Suddenly, your morning coffee tastes a bit like ash. That sharp, stinging knot in your chest? That’s it. If you’ve ever wondered about the definition of envy, it’s basically that unpleasant cocktail of "I want that" mixed with a side of "and it sucks that I don't have it." It is one of the most universal human experiences, yet it’s the one we are most ashamed to admit.
We often confuse it with jealousy. They aren't the same. Jealousy involves three people—you're afraid someone is going to take away something you already have, like a partner or a job. Envy is a two-person game. It’s just you looking at someone else’s life and feeling diminished by their success. It is a silent thief of joy.
Aristotle called it pain at the sight of another’s good fortune. That’s a heavy way to put it, but he wasn’t wrong. It’s a literal biological response. Researchers like Richard Smith, a professor who spent years studying this at the University of Kentucky, note that envy usually strikes when we compare ourselves to people who are actually similar to us. You probably don’t envy Elon Musk’s billions because his life is too far removed from yours. But your coworker getting a promotion? Or your cousin buying a house while you’re still renting? That hits close to home.
The Definition of Envy and the Social Comparison Trap
At its core, the definition of envy is rooted in social comparison theory. Leon Festinger, a psychologist in the 1950s, argued that humans have an innate drive to evaluate themselves. Since we don't have an objective ruler to measure "success" or "happiness," we look at the person standing next to us.
It’s reflexive.
When you see someone "winning" in an area you care about, your brain processes it as a loss for you. It shouldn't make sense. Their success doesn't actually take anything off your plate. But the brain is weird. It views social status as a zero-sum game. If they go up, you must have gone down. This is what makes envy so toxic compared to simple admiration. Admiration says, "Wow, that’s great, how can I do that?" Envy says, "That should have been me."
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There are two main flavors of this emotion that researchers discuss: benign and malicious.
Benign vs. Malicious Envy
Benign envy is the "level up" version. It’s still uncomfortable. It still stings. However, it focuses on the object or the achievement itself. You see your friend’s new car and you think, Man, I want a car like that. I need to work harder. It can actually be a motivator. It pushes you.
Then there’s the dark side. Malicious envy.
This isn't about you getting the thing; it’s about wanting the other person to lose it. It’s the hope that the person fails. It’s the "schadenfreude" waiting to happen. This type of envy is linked to higher levels of cortisol and long-term stress. Honestly, it’s exhausting. When you spend your mental energy tracking someone else's downfall, you aren't building anything of your own.
Why We Envy the People Closest to Us
It’s a paradox. We don’t envy strangers. A random person winning the lottery in another country doesn't ruin your day. But if your neighbor wins? You might feel a bit sick.
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This is because of "self-evaluation maintenance." We define ourselves by certain traits. If you pride yourself on being the "smart one" in your friend group, and a friend suddenly gets a PhD, it threatens your identity. The more relevant the person is to your life, the more likely the definition of envy will apply to your interactions with them.
Think about the "Sears-Roebuck" effect in old psychology studies. People were generally happy with their modest lives until the catalogs arrived showing what everyone else had. Today, we have a digital catalog running 24/7 in our pockets. Social media is an envy machine. It forces us into "upward social comparison" with people who are only showing their highlight reels. You’re comparing your "behind-the-scenes" footage with their edited trailer.
The Neuroscience of Feeling "Lesser Than"
What’s happening in your head when this hits?
Neuroscientists have found that social pain, like envy, activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain—specifically the anterior cingulate cortex. When you feel "envious," your brain is literally telling you that you’ve been hurt.
In a 2009 study by Hidehiko Takahashi, researchers used fMRI scans to watch people’s brains while they read about successful peers. The results were startling. When the participants felt envy, the "pain" centers lit up. When they read about those same peers failing later on, the "reward" centers (the ventral striatum) lit up. It’s a biological predisposition toward being a hater.
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Understanding this doesn't excuse being a jerk, but it helps us realize that the feeling is a software glitch in our evolutionary biology. We are wired to care about our rank in the tribe. In the caveman days, being the "lowest" meant you might not eat. Today, it just means you don't have a designer watch. The stakes have changed, but the brain hasn't caught up.
How to Stop the Spiral
Identifying the definition of envy in your own life is the first step toward killing it. You can't fix a feeling you’re too embarrassed to acknowledge.
Start by "naming the demon." When you feel that heat in your chest, say it out loud or write it down: "I am feeling envious because Sarah got the recognition I wanted." It takes the power away. It moves the emotion from the reactive part of your brain to the logical part.
Next, try to practice "compersion." This is a term often used in niche communities, but it’s becoming more mainstream. It’s the opposite of envy. It’s the act of feeling joy because someone else is experiencing joy. It sounds like some hippie-dippie nonsense, but it’s a muscle you can train. When someone wins, try to find one specific reason why you’re happy for them. Even if you have to fake it at first.
Finally, pivot to gratitude. It’s a cliché for a reason. You cannot feel envy and gratitude at the exact same moment. They are neurologically incompatible.
Real-World Action Steps
If you’re tired of the green-eyed monster running your life, here’s how to actually move forward:
- Mute the triggers. If there is one specific person on Instagram whose posts make you feel like garbage, hit the mute button. You don't have to unfollow them and make it a "thing." Just remove the stimulus.
- Audit your "Inner Circle." Surround yourself with people who celebrate your wins. If you’re in a group where everyone subtly puts each other down to feel better, envy will always be the baseline.
- Define your own metrics. Envy happens when you haven't decided what "success" looks like for you. If you don't have your own goals, you’ll just default to wanting what everyone else has. Write down three things that actually matter to you. If "a boat" isn't on that list, why are you upset that your coworker bought one?
- Use the "Benign" Pivot. The next time you feel envy, ask: "What does this tell me about what I want?" If you envy a friend's fitness, don't stew in it—use that energy to book a gym session. Turn the sting into fuel.
The goal isn't to never feel envy again. That’s impossible. You're human. The goal is to recognize it, understand that it's just a misfiring survival instinct, and choose not to let it sit in the driver's seat of your life.