You’re probably tired. Maybe you’re anxious, or your back hurts for no reason, or you’ve got this nagging sense that life shouldn’t feel like a constant uphill sprint. When you go to the doctor, they run some blood work, look at the charts, and tell you everything is "normal." But it doesn't feel normal.
That’s because it isn't.
We’ve built a society that treats chronic illness, depression, and burnout as unfortunate glitches in an otherwise functional system. We look at the individual as the problem. We say, "Oh, they have bad genes," or "They just need to manage their stress better." But what if the system itself is the pathogen?
The myth of normal isn't just a catchy book title by Dr. Gabor Maté; it’s a terrifyingly accurate description of how we’ve normalized suffering. We’ve mistaken "average" for "healthy." If everyone in a room is breathing toxic fumes, the person coughing isn't the "abnormal" one—they’re just the first one to show symptoms of a broken environment.
The Toxic Culture We Call Home
Most of us think of health as a personal matter. You eat your broccoli, you go for a run, you try to get eight hours of sleep. It’s all very individualistic. But human beings aren't closed loops. We are open systems, constantly exchanging information and energy with our surroundings.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician with decades of experience in family practice and palliative care, argues that our culture is fundamentally "biopsychosocial." This means your biology is inseparable from your psychology and your social environment. You can't talk about a person's autoimmune disease without talking about their childhood or their job. It sounds "woo-woo" to some old-school MDs, but the science is catching up fast.
Look at the rising rates of autoimmune disorders. Women are disproportionately affected. Why? Researchers like Dr. Robert Naviaux at UCSD suggest that cells enter a "cell danger response" when they sense chronic threat. If you live in a society that expects you to be a perfect parent, a high-performing employee, and a stoic emotional support pillar—all while ignoring your own needs—your body is going to stay in a state of high alert. Eventually, it starts attacking itself.
It’s a survival mechanism that’s gone haywire.
Trauma Isn't Just "The Big Stuff"
We have a massive misunderstanding of what trauma actually is. Usually, when people hear that word, they think of war zones or horrific abuse. Maté distinguishes between "Capital T" trauma and "small t" trauma.
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"Capital T" trauma is the catastrophic stuff. But "small t" trauma is the "myth of normal" in action. It’s the lack of emotional attunement. It’s a child not feeling seen or heard by their parents because those parents are overworked, distracted, or dealing with their own unaddressed pain.
It’s subtle. It’s a slow erosion of the self.
Think about the standard American birth experience or the way we push infants to "sleep train" by letting them cry it out. We are essentially teaching children from day one that their needs are an inconvenience. We label babies who need constant touch as "difficult" and those who shut down and stop crying as "good." We are rewarding the suppression of self.
This sets a template. Fast forward thirty years, and that "good baby" is now a "people pleaser" who can’t say no to their boss, develops chronic migraines, and has no idea why. They are living the myth of normal. They are functioning exactly how society trained them to: by ignoring their gut feelings to keep the peace.
The Physiological Cost of Fitting In
Stress isn't just a feeling in your head. It’s a chemical cascade. When you suppress your emotions—especially anger—to fit into a "normal" social role, you’re pumping cortisol and adrenaline through your system.
Long-term, this destroys your immune system.
- It thins the gut lining (hello, "leaky gut").
- It increases systemic inflammation.
- It messes with your telomeres, which are the protective caps on your DNA.
There’s a famous study often cited in discussions about the myth of normal regarding ALS patients. Doctors noticed that people with ALS were often "unusually nice." They were the people who never complained, never got angry, and always put others first. While being "nice" doesn't cause ALS, the lifelong habit of suppressing one's own identity and emotions creates a physiological environment where disease can thrive.
We’ve made self-sacrifice a virtue, but the body keeps the score. (Shout out to Bessel van der Kolk for that phrase, because it’s 100% true).
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Why We Are So Addicted
When we talk about addiction, we usually focus on the substance. We talk about opioids, or alcohol, or cocaine. We treat it as a moral failing or a brain disease.
But Maté asks a different question: "Not why the addiction, but why the pain?"
In a culture defined by the myth of normal, we are all seeking an escape from a reality that feels increasingly hollow. Some of us use heroin. Others use work, shopping, social media, or exercise. The mechanism is the same. We are trying to soothe a nervous system that feels unsafe.
Our economy actually depends on this lack of wholeness. If you felt completely at peace and satisfied with yourself, you wouldn't need to buy a new car every three years. You wouldn't need the latest iPhone. You wouldn't need the endless stream of dopamine hits from TikTok. Capitalism loves the myth of normal because "normal" people are hungry, insecure, and easy to sell to.
Is Healing Even Possible?
It sounds bleak, honestly. If the whole culture is "toxic," how do you get better?
It starts with "dis-illusionment." Literally, breaking the illusion. You have to stop pretending that your exhaustion is just a personal flaw. You have to stop pathologizing your sadness and start looking at what it’s trying to tell you.
Healing isn't about getting back to "normal." Normal was the problem. Healing is about returning to your authentic self—the person you were before you had to twist yourself into shapes to fit in.
This involves "compassionate inquiry." It means looking at your behaviors—even the "bad" ones like overeating or procrastination—with curiosity instead of judgment. Why am I doing this? What pain is this behavior trying to shield me from?
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Actionable Steps to Break the Myth
You can't change the entire world overnight, but you can change how you interface with it. If you want to stop living the myth of normal, you have to start making choices that look "abnormal" to everyone else.
Practice Radical Authenticity
Start small. The next time someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, say "no" without giving a five-minute-long excuse. Notice the physical tension that arises in your chest when you say it. That tension is the "old you" trying to survive by being compliant. Breathe through it.
Audit Your Environment
Stop consuming "rage-bait" media. If your job requires you to be "on" 24/7, recognize that this is a direct threat to your physical health. You might not be able to quit today, but you can stop identifying with the role. You are not your productivity.
Prioritize Connection over Networking
We are tribal animals. We need to be seen and known. Modern "normal" life is incredibly lonely, even when we’re surrounded by people. Find one or two people with whom you can be completely honest—no masks, no "I'm doing great" platitudes.
Listen to the Body
Your body speaks in symptoms long before it speaks in words. If you have chronic digestive issues, skin flare-ups, or fatigue, stop asking "How do I make this go away?" and start asking "What is my body saying 'no' to that I haven't been able to say with my voice?"
The myth of normal tells us that if we can just work hard enough and buy enough stuff, we’ll be happy. It’s a lie. The path to health isn't through more effort; it’s through more truth. It’s about realizing that your "symptoms" might actually be your body’s way of trying to save your life.
When you stop trying to be "normal," you finally give yourself permission to be well. That’s where the real work begins. It’s uncomfortable, it’s messy, and it’s the only way out of the trap.
Invest in your own sanity, even if the world thinks you’re being difficult. Especially then.