It started with a swipe. A simple Tinder match in Auckland, New Zealand.
Grace Millane was 21, a British backpacker exploring the world with a bright smile and a camera full of memories. Jesse Kempson was 26, a man whose entire existence was essentially a series of fictions. On December 1, 2018, their paths crossed at SkyCity for a date that seemed, at first glance, like any other. They drank cocktails. They laughed. They walked through the city streets.
But by the next morning, Grace was dead.
The case that followed didn't just shock New Zealand; it became a global flashpoint for how we talk about consent, violence, and the way the legal system handles the reputation of victims. At the center of it all was a narrative so pervasive and so damaging that it eventually inspired a documentary aptly titled The Lie.
The first lie: "We went our separate ways"
When Detective Ewen Settle first sat down with Jesse Kempson on December 6, Grace had been missing for five days. Kempson was calm. Too calm, maybe. He looked the detective in the eye and spun a tale of a pleasant evening that ended with a polite goodbye.
He claimed they met, had a few drinks at Andy’s Burger Bar, and then parted ways near SkyCity. He told police he went to meet a friend at the Viaduct, got "black-out drunk" on ten handles of beer, and had to be helped to his room by a hotel concierge.
Honestly, it was a bold-faced lie.
It took investigators almost no time to dismantle it. CCTV footage—the digital footprint that never forgets—showed the pair entering the CityLife hotel together at 9:41 PM. They were seen in the elevator, Grace looking relaxed, Kempson with his arm around her.
He never mentioned she came back to his room. He never mentioned they spent the night together. When confronted with the footage of them entering the elevator, the mask didn't just slip; it shattered.
The pivot to "Rough Sex Gone Wrong"
Once the "we parted ways" story was dead in the water, Kempson shifted gears. This is where the most insidious part of the case began. He admitted she died in his room, but he claimed it was a tragic accident during consensual "rough sex."
His defense team leaned hard into this. They argued that Grace had an interest in BDSM and had initiated a choking game that went too far. This "rough sex defense" effectively put Grace on trial. Her private life, her past partners, and her digital history were dragged into the courtroom and dissected by the media.
It was a classic case of victim-blaming.
The defense argued Kempson "panicked" when he realized she wasn't breathing. They suggested he was just an insecure young man living in the "Instagram age," lying to impress women because he felt inadequate.
But the evidence told a different story.
A forensic pathologist, Dr. Simon Stables, testified that it takes significant, sustained pressure for five to ten minutes to kill someone by strangulation. This isn't a "gentle touch" or a momentary lapse in a "game." It is a deliberate, forceful act.
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While Grace lay dead on his floor, Kempson wasn't calling for help. He wasn't performing CPR. Instead, his search history revealed a chilling lack of remorse. He searched for:
- Waitākere Ranges (where he eventually buried her)
- Hottest fire
- Large sports bags
- Flesh-eating birds
- Are there vultures in New Zealand?
He even took intimate, degrading photographs of her body. Then, he went on another Tinder date the very next day.
Unmasking a serial predator
The "lie" wasn't just about what happened in that hotel room. It was about who Jesse Kempson actually was.
During the trial, the jury wasn't told the full extent of his history because of New Zealand's strict name suppression laws. However, it later came to light that Kempson was a serial liar and a violent offender.
He had lied to Grace about being an oil company manager. He told other women he was a law student, or that he had cancer, or that his parents were dead. One former partner testified (in a separate trial) that he had held a butcher's knife to her throat and threatened to kill her.
After his conviction for Grace's murder, he was found guilty in two other trials of raping another British tourist and committing multiple sexual offenses against an ex-girlfriend.
Basically, he wasn't a "nice guy who panicked." He was a predator who used the "rough sex" narrative as a shield for a long-standing pattern of violence against women.
The legacy of the "Rough Sex" defense
The outrage following the Grace Millane trial sparked a massive movement. It highlighted how easily a woman's sexual history could be weaponized against her, even in death.
In the UK, this led to a significant change in the law. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 explicitly banned the "rough sex defense." It made it clear that a person cannot consent to the infliction of serious harm or death for sexual gratification.
New Zealand followed suit with similar conversations about judicial reform. The goal was simple: ensure that "consent to sex" is never confused with "consent to be murdered."
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Actionable insights: Staying safe and staying informed
While the Grace Millane case is an extreme and horrific example, it offers vital lessons for the modern dating world and the fight for justice.
- Trust the digital footprint: If someone’s story doesn't add up, it usually isn't because they’re "private"—it’s because they’re hiding something. Always verify details when meeting someone new.
- The "Vibe Check" is real: If a date makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured, leave. You don't owe anyone an explanation or your time.
- Understand the law of consent: Consent must be informed, enthusiastic, and revocable at any time. Any act that causes physical harm or restricts breathing carries immense risk and, in many jurisdictions, cannot be legally "consented" to if it leads to serious injury.
- Advocate for victim-centric justice: Support organizations like We Can’t Consent To This that work to remove victim-blaming narratives from the courtroom.
The true "lie" in the Grace Millane case was the attempt to make her responsible for her own death. By understanding the tactics predators use and the ways the legal system can be manipulated, we can work toward a future where "rough sex" is never an excuse for murder.
To stay informed on the evolution of these laws, research the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 (UK) and the ongoing legal reforms in New Zealand regarding sexual violence and court procedures.