If you’ve ever tried to navigate a long-distance relationship, you know the struggle is basically 90% logistics and 10% trying not to lose your mind. It’s messy. It’s awkward. Mostly, it involves a lot of pixelated FaceTime calls that cut out right when things are getting interesting. That’s exactly why the going the distance sex scene—specifically the one involving the "phone sex" montage between Drew Barrymore and Justin Long—remains such a weirdly accurate touchstone for romantic comedies. It didn't try to be sexy in a Hollywood way. It was clumsy.
Nanette Burstein directed this 2010 R-rated rom-com with a specific goal in mind. She wanted to capture the grit of a bicoastal romance between Erin and Garrett. Most movies in this genre treat distance like a minor inconvenience that can be solved with a bouquet of flowers and a last-minute flight to JFK. But this film? It dug into the uncomfortable reality of trying to maintain intimacy when one person is in San Francisco and the other is in New York.
What Actually Happens in the Scene?
Let’s be real. Phone sex is inherently kind of cringey if you stop to think about it for more than two seconds. The movie leans into that. Instead of a polished, erotic sequence, we get a series of attempts that range from "okay, this is working" to "I am literally talking to a piece of plastic and I feel ridiculous."
Garrett and Erin are shown in their respective apartments. The lighting isn't perfect. The dialogue isn't Shakespeare. It's hesitant. At one point, Garrett is trying to talk dirty and it just feels forced, which is exactly how it feels in real life when you're trying to perform for a speakerphone. The going the distance sex scene works because it prioritizes the psychological connection over the physical one, showing how distance forces couples to rely entirely on verbal cues and imagination.
It's about the effort. It's about the frustration of a dropped signal.
Why the Chemistry Felt Different
There’s a reason the banter felt so fluid. Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were actually dating on and off during the production. That’s not a secret, but it changes how you view the intimacy on screen. You can’t fake that level of comfort. When they are fumbling through the awkwardness of long-distance intimacy, there is a shorthand there that feels earned.
Burstein reportedly encouraged improvisation. This wasn't a "stick to the script" type of set. In the world of R-rated comedies, usually, the "sex scene" is the punchline. Here, it’s a bit of both. It’s funny because it’s relatable, but it’s also a little sad because you realize how much they are missing out on by being 3,000 miles apart.
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The Realistic Logistics of Long-Distance Intimacy
A lot of films ignore the "stuff" surrounding sex. Going the Distance doesn't. We see the laptops. We see the phones. We see the uncomfortable positions they have to sit in just to keep the camera at a decent angle.
The going the distance sex scene actually addresses the "phone sex fatigue" that sets in during long-term separation. It starts off as a novelty. It ends up feeling like a chore. The film captures that transition brilliantly through the montage. One moment they are laughing, the next they are just staring at the screen, exhausted by the digital barrier between them.
Critics at the time, like Roger Ebert, noted that the film felt more "honest" than the typical romantic comedy fluff. It didn't shy away from the fact that sex is a massive part of a relationship, and when you remove the physical element, things get weird fast.
The Technical Side of Filming the Awkwardness
How do you film two people in different cities having a shared intimate moment? The production used split screens and clever editing to make it feel like they were in the same "emotional" space even if the physical space was fractured.
The Improvisation Element
Justin Long has mentioned in various interviews over the years that much of the dialogue in these intimate moments was riffed. When you're working with someone you're actually dating, the "weirdness" of a film crew watching you talk dirty into a phone is slightly mitigated by the fact that you actually like the person on the other end.
- The director kept the cameras rolling for long takes.
- They focused on the "fails" rather than the successes.
- The lighting was kept intentionally "homey" to mimic the glow of a computer screen.
Breaking the Rom-Com Mold
In the mid-2000s and early 2010s, rom-coms were often sanitized. You had the "fade to black" or the "morning after" shots. Going the Distance pushed back against that. It leaned into the R-rating not just for shock value, but for accuracy. If you’re a 30-something in a long-distance relationship, you’re going to talk about sex. You’re going to try things that feel stupid.
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The Cultural Impact of the Phone Sex Montage
While the movie didn't shatter box office records, it developed a cult following among people who actually lived through the LDR (Long Distance Relationship) grind. The going the distance sex scene is often cited in forums and "best of" lists specifically because it doesn't try to be sexy. It tries to be true.
It’s about the vulnerability. Opening up to someone over a phone line is a different kind of exposure than being in the room with them. You have to use your words. You have to be descriptive. You have to deal with the silence when the other person doesn't know what to say.
Comparing it to Modern Depictions
If you look at how intimacy is handled in more recent shows like Normal People or Euphoria, there’s a lot of focus on the intensity. Going the Distance focuses on the comedy of errors. It’s the "anti-intensity" scene.
- It’s messy.
- It’s interrupted.
- It’s deeply human.
We don't get many scenes like this anymore because the "phone sex" trope has been replaced by texting and "sliding into DMs." But the core emotion—the longing for someone who isn't there—is timeless.
Actionable Takeaways for Navigating Screen-Based Intimacy
If you find yourself in the same position as Erin and Garrett, there are actually things you can learn from how the film portrays their struggle. It’s not just a movie; it’s a bit of a case study in digital communication.
Embrace the Awkward
The biggest mistake couples make when trying to be intimate from a distance is trying to make it "perfect." The going the distance sex scene shows that the laughter and the "this is weird" comments are actually what keep the connection alive.
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- Don't follow a script.
- Talk about your day first; don't just jump into the "intimacy" part.
- Acknowledge that the technology sucks sometimes.
Focus on Verbal Connection
Since you don't have the physical aspect, the "distance" version of sex is all about the voice. In the movie, the characters use storytelling. They talk about what they would be doing. This is a real-world psychological tool called "sensate focus" (though usually used in person) adapted for distance. It builds anticipation.
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the reasons the characters in the movie get so frustrated is because they expect the phone to replace the person. It can't. The film eventually shows that while phone sex is a bridge, it’s not a destination. You have to have an end date for the distance.
The going the distance sex scene serves as a reminder that technology is a tool, not a solution. It’s a way to hold onto the person until you can get back to the same zip code.
To really understand the impact of this scene, you have to look at the context of the whole film. It isn't just a raunchy moment dropped in for a laugh. It’s the narrative climax of their frustration. They want each other, they can see each other, but they can’t touch each other. That frustration is the engine that drives the rest of the movie. It’s why the ending feels so earned. It’s why people still talk about it over a decade later.
Next time you’re watching a rom-com and everything looks too perfect, remember Drew Barrymore and Justin Long fumbling with their phones. It’s a much better reflection of what love actually looks like when there’s a continent in the way.
Next Steps for Enthusiasts:
If you're interested in the evolution of R-rated romantic comedies, look into the filmography of Nanette Burstein, who transitioned from documentaries like The Kid Stays in the Picture to this grounded take on romance. You can also compare this specific scene to the digital intimacy portrayed in the 2013 film Her, which takes the concept of "voice-only" intimacy to a sci-fi extreme. Understanding these portrayals helps demystify how media shapes our expectations of modern relationships.