It starts with a feeling in the gut. That prickly, static electricity in the air where you find yourself walking on eggshells, even though you haven’t quite figured out why yet. This is the beginning. Most people think domestic abuse is just a constant stream of screaming or hitting, but that’s not how it works in the real world. If it were always terrible, people would leave a lot sooner. The reality is much more deceptive. The cycle of family violence is a rotating door of tension, explosion, and—this is the part that keeps people trapped—intense, drug-like reconciliation.
Lenore Walker, a psychologist who basically changed the way we look at domestic trauma in the 1970s, was the one who really mapped this out. She realized that abuse isn't random. It’s a loop. Honestly, once you see the loop, you can't unsee it. But when you’re in it? It’s a fog. You think you’re managing a difficult personality or "helping" someone through a rough patch. You aren't. You're just waiting for the next revolution of the wheel.
The Tension Building Phase: Life on a Tripwire
Imagine living in a house where the temperature is slowly rising, but you aren't allowed to touch the thermostat. That’s the tension-building phase. It’s quiet. Too quiet. In this stage of the cycle of family violence, the victim becomes an expert in "calming the waters." You might find yourself cleaning the house obsessively, keeping the kids silent, or choosing your words like you’re diffusing a bomb.
The abuser isn't necessarily hitting anyone yet. Instead, they’re using "micro-aggressions." Maybe it's a cold stare. Maybe it's a sarcastic comment about your weight or your job. They are testing boundaries. They are asserting control. Experts like Lundy Bancroft, who wrote the seminal book Why Does He Do That?, argue that this phase is less about "losing control" and more about "gaining control." The abuser feels entitled to have their needs met perfectly, and when life inevitably gets messy, they blame their partner.
It's exhausting.
You’re constantly scanning. Psychologists call this hyper-vigilance. Your nervous system is fried because you’re trying to predict the unpredictable. And the worst part? You blame yourself. You think, If I just made a better dinner, he wouldn’t be so stressed. Or, If I hadn't brought up the bills, she wouldn't have snapped. This self-blame is the glue that keeps the cycle moving toward the next stage.
The Incident: When the Pressure Valve Blows
Eventually, the tension becomes unbearable. The "incident" happens. This is the "explosion."
It’s important to be clear here: the incident isn't always a punch. It can be sexual assault, terrifying threats, or psychological destruction. It’s the moment the abuser decides to release their internal pressure by offloading it onto someone else.
💡 You might also like: Why the Long Head of the Tricep is the Secret to Huge Arms
During this part of the cycle of family violence, the victim is in survival mode. The brain's prefrontal cortex—the part that does the logic—basically shuts down. You're running on pure amygdala. Fight, flight, or, most commonly in these situations, freeze. Or fawn. Fawning is when you try to appease the attacker to make the violence stop faster.
Wait.
There's a common misconception that the abuser "snaps" or "loses it." But notice how rarely they "lose it" in front of their boss or a police officer? They choose the time, the place, and often the severity. This is a choice. It’s an exercise of power. Whether it lasts ten minutes or ten hours, the incident leaves a mark that goes way deeper than skin level. It creates a trauma bond, a physiological attachment fueled by the massive spikes in cortisol and adrenaline.
The Honeymoon Phase: The Great Deception
This is where the trap is set. After the explosion, the abuser suddenly transforms. This is the "reconciliation" or "honeymoon" phase.
"I'm so sorry."
"I didn't mean it."
"You know I love you more than anything."
"I’ll go to therapy, I promise."
They might buy flowers. They might be the most attentive, loving partner you’ve ever had for a few weeks. They cry. They show vulnerability. And because you love them—and because your brain is desperate for the stress to end—you believe them. This phase is actually the most dangerous part of the cycle of family violence. Why? Because it provides "intermittent reinforcement."
In psychology, intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful way to condition a behavior. It’s why people get addicted to slot machines. If the machine never paid out, you’d stop playing. But it pays out just enough to keep you pulling the lever. The honeymoon phase is the payout. It convinces the victim that "the real them" is the loving person, and the "abusive them" is just a temporary glitch.
📖 Related: Why the Dead Bug Exercise Ball Routine is the Best Core Workout You Aren't Doing Right
It isn't a glitch. It's the bait.
Why "Just Leaving" Isn't as Simple as It Sounds
We’ve all heard it. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I would never put up with that."
Kinda arrogant, right?
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. Statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) show that a woman is 70 times more likely to be killed in the few weeks after leaving than at any other time in the relationship. When an abuser realizes they are losing control, they often escalate to the ultimate form of control: lethal violence.
Then there’s the "brain fog." Constant abuse actually changes the physical structure of the brain. The hippocampus shrinks, making it hard to form new memories or plan for the future. The amygdala becomes overactive. You are essentially living in a state of permanent "concussion" without ever being hit in the head.
- Financial Abuse: 99% of domestic violence cases involve financial control. If you have no credit card, no cash, and no access to the bank account, where do you go?
- Isolation: The abuser has likely spent years cutting you off from friends and family. You feel alone.
- Gaslighting: You’ve been told you’re crazy for so long that you don't trust your own perception of reality anymore.
Breaking the Cycle of Family Violence for Good
So, how does this actually stop? It rarely stops because the abuser "gets better" on their own. It stops when the cycle is interrupted by outside forces or a radical shift in the victim's situation.
Real change requires more than an apology. It requires a total overhaul of the abuser's belief system regarding power and entitlement. Most programs for "batterers" have incredibly high recidivism rates because you can't fix a power problem with an "anger management" class. It’s not about anger. It’s about the belief that they have the right to dominate another person.
👉 See also: Why Raw Milk Is Bad: What Enthusiasts Often Ignore About The Science
For the person caught in the loop, breaking free usually looks like a slow, quiet gathering of resources.
- Safety Planning: This isn't just "getting out." It's having a "go-bag" hidden. It’s knowing which windows are unlocked. It’s having a code word with a neighbor.
- Documenting Everything: Abusers rely on the "he-said, she-said" dynamic. Photos, journals (kept in a safe place or digitally encrypted), and medical records are the only way to pierce the veil of gaslighting.
- No Contact: This is the gold standard for recovery. Because the trauma bond is so physical, even a "simple" text message can trigger a dopamine hit that pulls the victim back into the honeymoon phase.
The cycle of family violence is a beast, but it’s a predictable one. Once you identify the phases—the tension, the explosion, the apology—the "magic" of the manipulation starts to wear off. You realize you aren't a partner; you're a player in a script that was written long before you even met them.
What You Can Actually Do Right Now
If you recognize these patterns in your own life or someone else's, "waiting for things to get better" is a losing strategy. The cycle only gets faster over time. The tension phases get shorter, and the incidents get more severe.
First, call or text a dedicated resource. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788. They don't judge. They just help you figure out a plan.
Second, stop keeping the secret. Abuse thrives in the dark. Tell one person you trust—someone who won't just tell you what to do, but will listen.
Third, understand that "closure" isn't something you get from the abuser. You won't get the apology that makes it all okay. You get closure by walking away and refusing to play your part in the next revolution of the cycle.
It isn't your fault. It never was. But you are the only one who can decide that the current loop is the last one.
Actionable Insights for Survivors and Allies
- Audit the "Honeymoon": Next time an apology happens, look for change in behavior rather than intensity of emotion. Tears aren't transformation.
- Secure Your Digital Footprint: Use a VPN and incognito modes. Many abusers use stalkerware or shared iCloud accounts to track movement.
- Build a "Freedom Fund": Even if it’s five dollars at a time, having money that the abuser doesn't know about is the single biggest predictor of a successful exit.
- Validate the Reality: If you're a friend, don't ask "Why don't you leave?" Instead, say "I believe you, and I’m here when you’re ready."
The loop only stays closed if you stay inside it. The moment you step out, the cycle breaks. It’s terrifying, but it’s the only way back to yourself.